And he's gone.....

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by welcometowitsend, Apr 8, 2012.

  1. Well, things went from bad to worse yesterday. I just joined this group recently and posted (under New here, could use some support/advice) that we had been having some problems with our DS. He has Tourette's and ADHD and has a few Aspie tendencies (Tourette's and Aspergers overlap somewhat). No medications or therapy has ever been needed. I walked him through social cues - what's acceptable, what's not, here's how you hide your tics (which seem to be in total remission), here are strategies to help you focus (he's very smart in school which helps). He was home schooled until grade 9 - entered school - no issued either academically or socially. Developed a good group of friends, good grades, teachers loved him. Now he's in grade 10 and is 16. He's changed his group of friends, I suspect he is doing drugs and he has gotten very verbally aggressive and intimidating towards me. His father had to restrain him from me last week and he got physically violent with his father. Then tried to have dad arrested for assault. He went to stay at his girlfriends for a few days. I was hoping he'd have a change of heart and agree to get into some individual and family therapy so we could work through things. Keep in mind at 12 he is legally allowed to make medical decisions for himself and at 16 he is legally allowed to leave home. Ridiculous laws.

    No way.... He called on Saturday morning to advise us that he would be by at noon to get his things. He showed up demanding money, items like his dirt bike (not gonna happen), skis (he wants to sell everything) etc. He asked me for the baseball bat he threatened me with and when I told him I got rid of it he informed me I owed him $20. I'm just dumbfounded by his reasoning and thinking. He was belligerent with both his father and myself, swearing, telling us to get out of our own house, making odd demands. After 3 hours of this he finally had all his stuff packed and he left. His girlfriends father was only too happy to pick him up with all his belongings - I don't understand some parents - they think they're helping when they're not. He got his belongings, no money and I let him take the guitar because he is taking guitar in school and I don't want him to lose the credit. He did not get any of the big items like the skis or dirt bike.

    Then he informs me that the guidance counsellor at school told him that it would be a great idea for him to move out and get his own apartment and go on student welfare. He told them we were abusive parents (child beaters). That child has never seen any kind of abuse. Have we made some mistakes, yes, but we've never been abusive parents. I'm so ticked at the school - where do they get off recommending that for him when they've never even spoken to us? They don't know he has Tourette's or ADHD with some Aspergers tendencies (we didn't want to give the school labels to put on him when he was doing so well with everything)- they don't know if he is using drugs or not. They know nothing and didn't even bother to call us to recommend or offer any counselling. They will be getting a visit from me when school gets back in on Tuesday. I doubt he will get student welfare anyway because they will have to verify that he is fleeing an abusive home.

    So, I have been a mess, can't sleep, crying at the drop of a hat. I feel horrible for my daughter (13) who is such a great kid - everything seems to be revolving around difficult child right now. Husband has been a wonderful support. I just keep trying to put one foot in front of another and function. Breathe. My parents are coming home from their Florida place tonight and all I can think is that "I want my Mommy".

    How do you not let this break you? How do you keep functioning? How do you get it out of your head for 30 seconds? I have been crying myself to sleep, waking up repeatedly through the night and before I even open my eyes in the morning - it's there.
  2. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I don't think I responded to your other thread - so let me start by offering you a warm Welcome.

    We have been in the same situation several times and watched our daughter leave her "abusive" home and be welcomed in by somebody else's family who throught they were "rescuing" this poor child from us terrible ogres. In our case, our difficult child showed her true colors to her new family within a matter of days (and then they couldn't send her back her fast enough!).

    In you son's case? It sounds like he may have his stuff "together" enough to last quite awhile with his host family. I don't know how student welfare works, but if you have to go through an investigation I would think you would want to just be honest and show them documentation of your son's diagnosis and the things you have done to try and help him. It may be that he returns home when he runs out of money or wears out his welcome with the new family - or he may stay there for quite some time...

    Honestly? If it keeps your home a bit peaceful (and keeps you from being threatened with baseball bats) - let him go! In fact, what we have done is immediately introduce ourselves to the other parents and bring copies of our child's medical and police records. We THANK them for being willing to take responsibility. We let them know how pleased we are with the arrangement...

    Usually, that's enough to get them on high alert...
  3. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh dear, your poor mommy heart is wounded, yes, I think we ALL know how that feels. I'm so very sorry. Others will be along to give you advice about the things you need advice about, I do not know enough about your particular issues. However, I can relate to all the feelings. I'm so glad your Mom will be there to support you, that's perfect timing. It's all so hard and so overwhelming when we are dealing with our difficult children. Yes, all you can do sometimes is put one foot in front of the other, keep posting here, cry when you need to, get outside support from people who know how to assist you, therapists, groups for parents like Alanon, CoDa, 12 step groups, others here more experienced can give you advice on that. For me, I have learned to do a lot to keep me nurtured, like therapy and groups, but also acupuncture which reduces stress, massage and getting plenty of exercise and fresh air. There are medications which can help you with anxiety and sleeping if you decide to go that route, at least you can sleep. (that's a personal choice)

    This is all a process. It takes us time to pull ourselves away from our children's issues. We've been taking care of them for years and all of a sudden, poof, detach and let go? It doesn't work that way. It's a challenging road, no one gets there without heartache. We all know how you feel. I wish I could answer your questions with some great responses that will give you instant relief and make the pain go away. I can't. I'm so sorry. I know how real and deep that pain goes. I know how the sleepless nights are with all the worry and fear. But, it does get better. Little by little, you go through it, you understand it better, you gain clarity, you cry, you get support, you learn about detaching from their issues, you learn to love them in a different, more removed way.

    You don't "let it break you" because you have another child to take care of, you have a husband, you have your life. You function through each day, one moment at a time, you deal with what's in front of you, you don't go into the future and let yourself get frightened because there's nothing you can do about that now. You live right here in the present moment and do what you must. You learn more about acceptance. You grieve. And then, as time goes by, you have more and more moments of being okay. And, those multiply.

    Keep posting here. Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter and your husband. You will be okay. You will do what's needed, your mother's strength will surface and guide you through. We're here if you need us. Keep posting, it helps. Big giant HUGS for you and prayers for you and your family.
  4. lonelyroad

    lonelyroad New Member

    Wow, first off, I would wait and see if the echool actually said have a different interpretation of things...and sometimes hear what they want....

    Quote: "So, I have been a mess, can't sleep, crying at the drop of a hat. I feel horrible for my daughter (13) who is such a great kid - everything seems to be revolving around difficult child right now"

    I so hear you on the above, wehn our daughter goes into a depressive state, everything revolves around her, thankfully my 17 year old son likes to be left alone, but it bothers me..

    No advice other then hugs, he WILL realize rarely is the grass greener on the other side...
  5. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Adding in gentle hugs for your hurting heart. Be sure to take care of you during this time which I know is a lot easier said than done, yet it is so important.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I would call the school guidance counselor and find out if this is actually what he said to your son. Alot of difficult children hear only what they want to hear, so maybe the gc was actually saying one thing and difficult child heard another. I'm so sorry that you're hurting so badly.
  7. Thank you so much for the warmth and support. It really does feel like a big hug from people who have been there done that and know (in some way or another) the pain that we are feeling as a family.

    Yesterday was such a horrible day (being Easter didn't help). My mother kept telling me I had to do something. Get him into therapy (only if he's willing because I can't force him into anything unless I can get him medically declared - which I can't because he never does this around anyone at school, friends or at girlfriend's house) , get him home, change my rules....she just wants him home with us and it seems at almost any cost. I'm not going to do that. I didn't get the support I thought I would from her last night - I guess she needed as much support, maybe more, than I did. I didn't think of that.

    Yesterday was exhausting - get up and do Easter egg hunt for easy child daughter and pretend everything is a-ok, stop at DS's new place and drop off an Easter Basket(chocolate only) and a letter telling him that we love him and hope that he has a change of heart, go to church (lost it and bawled during mass), spent most of the afternoon crying while daughter and husband were out, cooked dinner and entertained both sets of grandparents, and sat around the table and discussed all of this again.

    Last night husband and I sat down and had a talk. Here's what we're going to do.
    1) I'm still going to go to the school to straighten things out and get them to change his address.
    2) We're going to call him once or twice a week (when easy child is at dance class) just to say hello and ask what's been happening in his life.
    3) Continue to let him know that we love him and that if he chooses to get therapy and change his behaviour he can come home (of course he doesn't want that right now)
    4) We're not going to give him money. If he needed food I would buy food for him.

    I have resigned myself to treating him like a young adult that has moved out on his own to start his life. This is how the law sees him. I can't believe the laws in this country. So ridiculous.

    It's going to be very hard to be lovingly detached - guess I'll have to fake it till I make it. And I will keep coming here, reading and taking comfort in the kind words of everyone here and knowing that we are not alone in this.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I think that is an excellent plan!!! Way To Go!!

    I can not tell you how many times I have read this exact situation happening to our members. I can only think of 1 situation where the difficult child ended up staying at that family for long term.

    Does it really matter where he sleeps? He is happy. That is a positive thing in his life. Sometimes I think these difficult children actually do better and get along better with their loved ones when they do not live with them.

    For now, enjoy the peacefulness of your home and focus on you, husband and easy child. It is OK. It does not make you a bad mom in any way. Recharge yourselves because likely in a few weeks, you will be living under constant stress once again.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You've done a wonderful job of taking care of what you can do right now. Yes, lovingly detached, a good way to look at it. It's a process, keep that in mind, you go up, you go sideways, you go down, it's love, love is not able to be put in a category of right or wrong, good or bad, love changes and grows, as does detachment. We're all doing the best we can under very difficult conditions, with the people we love the most. Today, you've done a really good job. We're here for each other for the tomorrows......God bless.
  10. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    That sounds like an excellent plan! Great job!
  11. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Did you check that law with an attorney?? It just sounds so wrong...
  12. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    I don't know which province the OP is in, but... yes, it is that way in some parts of Canada. Unless you are medically or mentally incompetent to manage your own affairs... (medically incompetent means that the drugs or treatments you are under, make you so you are unable to make such decisions solo... mentally incompetent means you have a severe mental illness and are a danger to yourself and/or others OR extreme developmental delay such as Downs), you are allowed to do so.