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...and it all falls apart
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<blockquote data-quote="Childofmine" data-source="post: 631151" data-attributes="member: 17542"><p>I used to have a really, really hard time with this. I would get all engaged and involved in trying to figure out his life and what I was going to do/not do, and say/not say, and it was all too much. I would find myself saying things I didn't want to do at all, in the heat of the moment, and then I didn't know how to get out of the situation. I felt weak. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, and I was confused all the time, and I didn't like what I was doing or saying----and especially what he was doing or saying---about 90 percent of the time. The whole thing was a mess. </p><p></p><p>Then, over time I came to see an important truth: I can change my mind at any time. And really, I don't have to rationalize why to anybody. All I have to do, I believe, out of courtesy, is to tell the person that I've changed my mind and I won't be doing ___________. </p><p></p><p>Another saying that is relevant in Al-Anon: No is a complete sentence.*** Now, I still have a hard time just saying No to anybody, but I used to spend 10 minutes explaining why I was saying no, in my own Southern way, in an attempt to soften it.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted everybody to like me and be happy. That was an overriding concern. But today, I am less and less concerned with that, and more and more concerned with maintaining my own good health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. </p><p></p><p>If they start carrying on about it---which also always happened---and it was really hard at first to stand up to the barrage, and I would start to rethink and get confused and feel bad again---but over time, I learned that I could kindly say, The answer is no, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. </p><p></p><p>I am learning not to be mean about it. Another saying: Mean what you say, but don't be mean about what you say. *** </p><p></p><p>***Brought to you by the great folks at Al-Anon...</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>I like this Echo. I think we can always provide some context if we wish---or not---and just be simple and short and firm and kind with it all. </p><p></p><p>We can leave them sputtering and cursing and yelling about it, too. We can be calm while they are not. </p><p></p><p>This comes over time, and is not easily achieved or won. I find it helps me so much to write it down, take it with me, and whip it out at the right time, when the conversation begins.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Childofmine, post: 631151, member: 17542"] I used to have a really, really hard time with this. I would get all engaged and involved in trying to figure out his life and what I was going to do/not do, and say/not say, and it was all too much. I would find myself saying things I didn't want to do at all, in the heat of the moment, and then I didn't know how to get out of the situation. I felt weak. I felt like I didn't know what I was doing, and I was confused all the time, and I didn't like what I was doing or saying----and especially what he was doing or saying---about 90 percent of the time. The whole thing was a mess. Then, over time I came to see an important truth: I can change my mind at any time. And really, I don't have to rationalize why to anybody. All I have to do, I believe, out of courtesy, is to tell the person that I've changed my mind and I won't be doing ___________. Another saying that is relevant in Al-Anon: No is a complete sentence.*** Now, I still have a hard time just saying No to anybody, but I used to spend 10 minutes explaining why I was saying no, in my own Southern way, in an attempt to soften it. I just wanted everybody to like me and be happy. That was an overriding concern. But today, I am less and less concerned with that, and more and more concerned with maintaining my own good health, mental, physical, spiritual, emotional. If they start carrying on about it---which also always happened---and it was really hard at first to stand up to the barrage, and I would start to rethink and get confused and feel bad again---but over time, I learned that I could kindly say, The answer is no, and I don't want to talk about this anymore. I am learning not to be mean about it. Another saying: Mean what you say, but don't be mean about what you say. *** ***Brought to you by the great folks at Al-Anon... I like this Echo. I think we can always provide some context if we wish---or not---and just be simple and short and firm and kind with it all. We can leave them sputtering and cursing and yelling about it, too. We can be calm while they are not. This comes over time, and is not easily achieved or won. I find it helps me so much to write it down, take it with me, and whip it out at the right time, when the conversation begins. [/QUOTE]
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