And now I've hung up on PO

buddy

New Member
klmno, it sounds like a bad dream, one of those where you try to wake up but can't. I am really struggling with faith, I need to talk to someone about this in real life. But I do still have some and you are in my prayers.
 

klmno

Active Member
thank you for the support, Ladies, I don't know what I'd do without it. Yes, Buddy, it seems like a bad dream. It went from a possibility of re-unification within a few mos to now being around the end of next summer, at the earliest, and that would then require difficult child and I jumping thru every one of their hoops and having a min 90 days of them dictating everything in our home following that- so difficult child would be just short of his 18th birthday. So it went from this to it being a min of 1 year from now before they lighten up at all, not to mention not even being off parole, in 1 flippin day. I should have known something was up when PO didn't call Monday with the answer about caseworker and mentor. I seriously can't buy into this group home's program. It's another anger management 'treatment' and difficult child is finishing his 3rd one now- I can't see how a 4th is going to make a difference. And I be darned if I'm going to end up in another situation where difficult child and I are sitting at home with a 'therapist' there asking if everything is fine so we can lie or pretend evverything is in order to be complinant or tell the truth and face an explosion from difficult child after 'therapist' leaves. I'm putting 'therapist' in quotes because these aren't MH profs. They are people with a bachelors in human services but no Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) or any kind of license is required to gget the job- I checked on their long list of job vacancies for job descriptions.

Now, the whole modality (Sp) is based on the family being required to be involved in their anger management groups and meetings, unless the kid is there rom dss/foster care. I won't be there due to work and well, let's face it, I simply can't buy into it. The re-entry lady already knows that- I made it clear and she told super it was clear that I wouldn't do this. That might soundd horrible but none of this behavior mod addresses underlying family issues andd I told them if they went this route, we 'd be sitting there mos from now, when difficult child finished those requirements, with me presenting the same concerns to them about him moving back in with me. So how is this supposed to play out?
 

buddy

New Member
Everything you say makes so much sense and it is beyond me how they can't see it. Well maybe not, I guess if I look at their non difficult child-parent perspective, not realizing that difficult child parents KNOW what is best for their kid, I guess I can understand how it happens....but the system is just messed up and i think they all are stuck in their little parts, not able to see the whole. much like (but even less control) when one is forced to go to a bunch of medical specialists and no one wants to see the big picture. There are certainly many of us who can relate a little bit to you in that way. But as I said, not to this degree because you literally seem to have no rights, no recourse. Just one person could make such a difference here. Just one little change, like the date...to back it up for school reasons. They seem hell bent on causing more issues than were there in the first place.

You are really doing well here, keep venting and typing and getting it all out. It will really help ease your burden a little because those thoughts and injustices will just float around in your brain causing more stress. You are making yourself very clear. The problem is on their side. i dont know at what point I could ever just say, well...nothing I can do so?? I dont even know how much the serenity prayer (or if not a pray-er, at least that concept) would help me in this case. I suppose you can try.

luv, hugs, thoughts, care, Buddy
 

AnnieO

Shooting from the Hip
k - no, you DON'T sound horrible. You sound like you are doing everything (more than everything) you can to keep YOUR LIFE going, so that you will HAVE a life, no matter what. If you don't have a life, what exactly would you offer difficult child?

It's as if the system is determined to make the child's home life a ticking time bomb, so they can then point their fingers right back at the parents. My husband just started a new job LAST WEEK - and now what? More court, court, court. He has to take time off for this koi. So if he loses his job? (They're pretty understanding but JEESH). And it is the same with you. They want you to do not just a, b, and c, but d through z and more as well.

You're doing FINE. :hugs:
 

ksm

Well-Known Member
", whatever- do you have any idea how bad this gets when you/your child doesn't even have the protections of law to fall back on? The PO can say anything to a parent and when/if it comes down to one person'ss word over another- well....

I am still kind of new to this list... but I would find a way to tape these communications. When we dealt with SRS and the private organization that has the foster care contract for our area of the state, I would tape meetings , but document phone calls. I would summarize what he said, email it to him and ask him to confirm that your summary is or is not correct. You are right, it is just your word against his and in his world, it won't matter what you say he said.

Good luck. KSM
 

DaisyFace

Love me...Love me not
And what's the deal with having meetings or phone calls to address concerns a parent has if none of it matters? If it's being dictated and ordered, they don't care what concerns a parent has. So why do they do this? Is it just to get the parent to buy into it? How can any parent buy into something when they know they are being manipulated?

K--

I don't think they are looking for parents to "buy into" anything.

This is a government worker, employed by a government agency and required to complete government forms. YOU are a check-mark.

As in: spoke with parent/s: _______ CHECK!

Informed parent/s of release date:_____CHECK!

Parent/s agree to court requirements:_____CHECK!


There's no box to indicate that parents have legitimate concerns, questions or even intelligence!

Answer the questions, fill in the form - NEXT! That's how it works.

I'm sorry that you and your son and still suffering...
 

klmno

Active Member
I guess- except their form says "Parents informed of parole plan"____CHECK. They don't care if the parents agree or not. However, any of their behvaior mod 'therapy' requires the parent to be on board. So I'm non-compliant if I don't show up and agree with any treatment meeting the group home requires. Of course, this is only because PO decided that reunification was the goal- which was fine until finding out their plan to achieve it.

Step, I get it- I've told them before that they can choose between me working and paying CS/supporting difficult child at home or me being unemployed and homeless but making all the required appts, meetings, etc., because I'm also court ordered to pay CS thru DSS as long as difficult child is in their system and not living with me.

DF- I thouroughly understand your frustration with that idealistic plan for your difficult child. But right now, I'm thinking that's what difficult child needs to shoot for. If we take the goal of reunification off the table, difficult child only needs to concentrate on the requirements of the group home as they pertain to behavior there and obeying the law, without getting into family tensions. Unfortunately, that will mean either a group home until he's 18yo or graduates high school. Still, it seems so much easier. There's nothing to stop us from working things out or even living together once he's out of their system and 18yo.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
K...as sad as I think it is, I think you must for you and your sons peace of mind AND relationship going forward into adulthood, have him released into the long term group home. That pains me greatly because I am all for having my child at home as you know. It would break my heart to make this choice as I am sure it is breaking yours. But I dont think having to work with these idiots in your life day in and day out will help you because they dont get what his issues are. Actually right now, no one knows what his issues will be as he comes out of this stay. We know how he was coming out of his first incarceration and it wasnt pretty. This could be better or worse.

This certainly isnt to say you just forget him until he is 18. Of course you will still be in his life for the next year. When he turns 18, you can both tell them all to shove it.
 

klmno

Active Member
DJ- PO isn't giving me a choice about it, as of yesterday- hursday at 5:00PM he was saying it was my choice and he'd check into somethings and get back to me on Monday. He never got back to me. This is why it hoovers that he acted like I was trying to take over yesterday when he's the one that led me to believe it was up to me. Anyway, now that we are looking at difficult child being so much closer to 18 before he even gets out of the group home, the question is 'is the goal of the group home to get him out on his own or re-unification with the family'. The PO, of course, made that choice on his own too and difficult child told re-entry lady he wanted to come home. The length of stay either way is around 6 mos or more if difficult child misbehaves- he has to earn his way out.

I think you must for you and your sons peace of mind AND relationship going forward into adulthood,

I told them this is probably what would be best if difficult child went to that group home because neither of our goals for him could be met otherwise and it would do more damage to our relationship, if not set him up for failure. And, I was going to be the one to determine when difficult child moves back in with me- not them. The sad thing is, it really wouldn't take that much, and it would cost less, just to give him a few weeks someplace else so we can see if he's going to try this time, then move back home. Oh-their only point right now seems to be that it's their decision. Obviously, PO has not owned up to his super that he told me and difficult child that it was up to me. And the two success stories on this place's website- geds and flipping hamburgers and living in an apartment. I wonder if those families thought the reunification plan was going to work? I wonder if those kids went in and jumped thru hoops thinking they were getting a diploma and help getting into college.

I guess I'll hire the attny and talk to difficult child over the next few weeks.
 

DammitJanet

Well-Known Member
One more idea...just to throw out there. if they are adamant that he go to group home and then come home shortly before he is 18 which is what I am getting out of this. Can you set him up in a small studio apartment close to you? Just thinking.
 

klmno

Active Member
No- PO is still in control of placement until he's off parole and he can't get off parole now until he goes to this group home and he or he & me (if he comes home) has a min 90 days of their intenseive outpatient whatever. They choose where he goes and have to approve of it. He gets out when re-entry lady says he gets out of group home. So, they might say he is ready to get out of group home in 6 mos but I might not be ready or comfortable yet with him coming home- then we are right back to 'abandonment' on the table. The first time difficult child was on probation, we both had to attend anger management, although the parents only had to go to part of it. Did it help? Nope- it taught my 11yo how to curse horribly and punch holes in walls.

Also, PO had told me before that he could use the local detention center as a means to transition difficult child out of Department of Juvenile Justice. I didn't like the idea at the time because it would ruin any chance of getting the advanced diploma. Well, that won't be an option anymore since difficult child has no chance for it with this new release date. Then why didn't PO even think of any of this? Again, rash decisions. I thought about calling him up and bringing this up and asking him to look into it but after his Dr. Jekyll attitude yesterday and me hanging up on him, I'm thinking it wouldn't do any good. Honestly, the detention home transition would solve all the problems, assuming PO is right in that they allow a kid to be checked out for a day pass, then for weekend, or whatever. That would give us time to see if he really is going to try or needs the group home.
 

Steely

Active Member
K - I want to try and help more but I am sort of confused by everything here (I think I am losing brain cells - lol)

Do you mind doing a brief list of the options that are now available, and time frames, now that things have changed?
 

klmno

Active Member
Steely, a week ago PO was telling me we had option of difficult child coming home, either with a caseworker from 're-entry' program or on ankle bracelet and therapuetic mentor, or difficult child going to a group home run by re-entry program then having intensive services by them once difficult child earned his way out of that, or foster care. I wanted to weigh those options so he told me that we had a meeting with him, me, his super, and re-entry lady to discuss all this. But apparently, he told his super and re-entry lady the meeting was just to get me to buy into the group home and answer my questions or respect his authority or something- he clearly hadn't been telling us all the same thing. And after that meeting, he asked to meet with me privately and then he told me again that it was my choice, I asked what he recommended and he sais re-entry's intensive services with difficult child coming straight home but I was concerned about difficult child not having a mentor that route so he told me he would check into that and call me Monday am to let me know if the caseworker from re-entry could work on weekends with difficult child and double as a mentor. He didn't call Monday- He called yesterday and gave me a spill about how the parole plan wasn;'t up to me- he wrote it and it was set in stone that difficult child would go to the group home. I asked about the stuff he'd previously told me and he tried tto "explain" (make excuses) for telling me one thing then tellng me another. But he stressed the fact yesterday that difficult child was in Department of Juvenile Justice custody, not mine, and it remained that way even once difficult child was on parole.

So to answer your question, today I have no options.

I guess what's on the table is that the current plan says difficult child will go to a group home that he has to work his way out of and the average length of stay is 6-8 mos. This is coming from Department of Juvenile Justice incarceration that he's having to work his way out of. Part of his requirements are to complete their anger management program and this will be his 4th one, the second time I've gone thru it with him. But, this will all put him right at 18yo when he can get out. So the question on my table (not POs because he's ordering this), is whether or not to do this BS with min 90 days intensive inhome behavior mod once difficult child completes that and returns home, or to just throw in the towel and tell them re-unification is out of the picture so they help difficult child transition to independent living and this family koi is taken off the parole plan- leaving me officially a bad parentin their eyes,but leaving them out of difficult child's and my relationship.

Is that clear as mud now? LOL!
 

Steely

Active Member
So the question on my table (not POs because he's ordering this), is whether or not to do this BS with min 90 days intensive inhome behavior mod once difficult child completes that and returns home, or to just throw in the towel and tell them re-unification is out of the picture so they help difficult child transition to independent living and this family koi is taken off the parole plan- leaving me officially a bad parentin their eyes,but leaving them out of difficult child's and my relationship.

So, no matter what he has to do anger mgmt group home, and that will end when he is around 18? And your question is whether or not after that, you want re-unification?
 
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