And so it begins.....

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Mikey, May 30, 2007.

  1. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Talk about pressing your advantage when you have it. wife didn't even wait to start working out the details....

    She just called to tell me about her "talk" with difficult child. She informed him of a new contingency in our family: should he end up in the hospital or ER again from something he could have prevented (like drinking, or another asthma attack from smoking pot), then he will be responsible for the bill. Same for any damage he causes us or others under similar circumstances.

    And if he doesn't have the money? Then we sell his car and use the proceeds to pay the bill. I financed the car on my CC, and the title is in my name. He put 600 down, and has paid another 100 off. That's about what he's cost us in "avoidable" medical bills over the last four months. We could probably sell the car for enough to pay the balance, plus one more stupid, unncessary trip to the ER.


    She followed it up with the fact that it isn't fair to go out and abuse himself, then expect us to pick up the pieces (financially) because of his bad choices. On top of that, we spend 100/month on asthma medications to keep him from having an attack, and he's gone back to smoking the crap (not cigs though, just pot).

    She couldn't read his expression, and he didn't verbally reply. But she's right. And I guess this sets the stage for a broader discussion down the road. If he wants to act like an adult, and have the benefits of an adult, he can shoulder some of the responsibility as well.

    But I'll see how this plays out first. Who knows? Maybe, since he was responsive to wife earlier in the week, this will get his attention in a way we haven't had since the nightmare started.

    The only thing I hate is that this is starting to feel like a war - plotting, executing strategic maneuvers, striking vulnerable targets....

    I feel like I'm at war with my own child. And I don't like it a bit. But, I guess they're his rules, and we can't be faulted for playing by them.

  2. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    it is war. A fight for your right to be in charge of at least your life choices esp when you cannot control your children's choices. A fight also for your stand.

    I have been at war with ant for 10 yrs I think. I had to make a choice of my life and what it could include. it could not include drug dealers, a son out of control. it could include him only when he was doing the right thing. a hand out to help him as ong as he helped himself as well.

    our standoff is now. he is an active alcoholic who works daily. he also runs a brothel. neither the alcoholism nor the brothel can be run out of my home. hence he is out. for good.

    I do visit him, and he calls me. he can live how he pleases and so can I. next time jail rolls around, he knows I am a non particpant.

    good luck. you guys are getting srong. doesnt have to be mean spirited...just firm and the right thing. then stick to it.
  3. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Glad to hear your setting more things into place and you and husband are so moving onto the same page. Like you say, you've set the scene, now see how it plays out. Hopefully when the curtain goes down, it will play out the way you are hoping!!

    See I can be witty too :smile:
  4. judi

    judi Active Member

    Hi Mikey - it is a war -just like Ant's Mom said. You have a set of rules with clear consequences about what happens if you break the rules. That's all you can do.

    In some ways it is easier when they are out of the house but it does add other worries.
  5. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    It is a good sign that your wife upped the ante. That shows that
    as independent adults the threshold is closer for both of you. I
    don't for a minute envy either of you. It is frustrating and sad
    but the pilot of the ship is a screwed up teen. DDD
  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Yes Mikey it is a war and yu are fighting for your son's future.

  7. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    :warrior: does this look familiar? :warrior: It's not here just because it's kinda cute :warrior:
    It's here because we are warrior parents :warrior:. We have rhino skin that gets bruised, worn down, rusty, etc.
    But... :thumbsup: along comes our little corner of :princess: with polish, :bravo: congratulatory verbage, :smile: a shoulder to lean on, :sad: and someone who also feels our pain.

    :hammer: who'd ever imagine we'd be here?

    We're in this war with you Mikey. We're all fighting it. We're all hoping that those cute little cherubs we used to call our children our toddlers, our teens, will come out of their haze and join us again. :smile:

    Reality is some will and some won't. Some may just take a long time to come back.
  8. Big Bad Kitty

    Big Bad Kitty lolcat


    I wish I had more words of wisdom for you. I am SO sick and my head is clouded with medications right now. Looks like you are getting some fantastic advice from the other mommies here. Wanted to let you know I got your back, too. Hugs and prayers.
  9. Ephchap

    Ephchap Active Member


    You and your wife sound like you've come a long way in trying to sort out things with your son. I applaud your efforts. Things have definitely progressed at your house, from the sounds of it. It isn't easy, as we all know. Hang in there.

  10. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    Thanks, Deb. From the looks of things, the road's only going to get bumpier from here. I'm certain you guys will get sick of my posts at some point, but it's the only way I can get my feelings out where I can deal with them.

  11. PonyGirl

    PonyGirl Warrior Parent

    Personally, Mikey, I want to tell you, I'll never get sick of your posts!!

    Keep coming back, We're a Family here. I feel like I know you, wife & easy child, and I keep difficult child in my thoughts along with all our difficult child sons & daughters.

  12. KFld

    KFld New Member

    How could we ever get sick of you!! You are much to witty :smile:
  13. Mikey

    Mikey Psycho Gorilla Dad

    <div class="ubbcode-block"><div class="ubbcode-header">Originally Posted By: KFld</div><div class="ubbcode-body">How could we ever get sick of you!! You are much to witty :smile: </div></div>

    What's the saying? "If I weren't laughing, I'd be crying?"

    I prefer to laugh. Laughing doesn't make my head hurt and my nose drip. Who wants a drippy nose?


  14. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    ah have no need to worry 'bout a thing. Your home dawg's here on T/SA are quite the group :rofl: I haven't posted 4000+ times because it's been a piece a cake in my 'hood :grrr:

    :wink: wit, wine, and whine are lifesavers.