And so it goes...

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by hearts and roses, May 18, 2009.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Wasn't sure if I should put this in PE, but since I dragged my H into it, I figured it was suited for WC.

    It appears that we're hovering very closely to square one again with difficult child. While her attitude has been okay, she's stayed clean and sober, and she's been supposedly looking for a job, she doesn't have a job yet; all the college kids are back, so it's slim pickings. Although I realize the job market overall is not doing so well, for minimum wage earners around here, there are jobs out there.

    I just hung up with difficult child to see what she had accomplished so far today - I was surprised (NOT) to find her home and in the back of my head I was hoping she'd already gone out and was just home for lunch. Nope. She's not going out today because, in her words, "I used up the last of my gas driving to the club this weekend, so now I have no gas to go job hunting"...WHAT?!?!?! I gave her a bit of a lecture, reminded her of our agreement and hung up. Oh yeah, and did I ever mention that her blood work came back on late Friday and it appears that difficult child is ACUTELY ANEMIC. Which may explain in some part the excessive sleeping.

    Yesterday I spent a better portion of the day at church helping with a market fair and then hit up the library on the way home. I was with H and these days, it's a real challenge to spend that much time with him (story for another post). What did we find when we arrived home at 3:15PM? BOTH daughters in their beds watching tv (well, difficult child was just sleeping). The house was undone, the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes, the garbages were all full, the house needed some dusting...IOW, there were certainly things that the two of them could have done rather than lounge around in bed like a couple of sick sloths. I was peeved, I mean really peeved. Then as I pull out the vacuum, I spy H lying on our bed reading his new library book. ARGH. I did the silent scream - in retrospect, I know I should have probably let 'it' fly, but I didn't. I buzzed through, left the bathroom cleaners in the bathroom sink, and left the house with an order to clean the bathroom, unload the dishwasher, check the laundry...all followed by a few good slams of some doors, heh heh. When I returned at about 8:30, most everything was done. But guess who did it all? H. WTH? difficult child was gone, easy child was still in her bed.

    I just really hate this lounging in bed in the middle of the day watching tv or using the laptop. GET OUT OF YOUR BED AND SIT AT THE TABLE OR WATCH TV IN THE LIVING ROOM. There is just something about them being in bed in the middle of the day that SENDS ME OVER THE EDGE. My mom used to come home from work and change, then hop into bed to read - every night for a few years. I know she was suffering with depression likely, but as a teen, I hated it. I think this current thing with mine is reminding me of how they are shutting everyone else out and it drives me insane. Can I make a rule that no one is allowed to be in bed during the day unless they are sick?


    easy child started her new job today, which means she will be taking care of the pup at lunchtime, albeit slightly later than the pup is accostomed to, but I think she will survive it. I just know that easy child will try and find a way to get out of taking care of her dog during her lunch break (2 hours!) and expect someone one else in the house to do it for her, namely me or difficult child. She's in for a rude awakeing because I have dedicated myself to the gym during my lunch breaks until mid-June.

    I'm just annoyed. I feel like carp. I haven't been well, I am getting ready for that ablation thing next week (in my head I have to psyche myself), I have worries about my mom, my marriage is in the toilet, I need more counseling sessions than the two a month I can afford, I want my own apt, I want difficult child to shape up and move out, and ditto for easy child. I sometimes feel so selfish for thinking this way and then I think of myself at their ages. I didn't even have the luxury of living with my parents at their ages, even if I wanted to (which I did not). My parents moved 3000 miles away. I have a friend who says that if the girls weren't living at home, H and I would have to figure out exactly what we want from our marriage and whether or not we'd want to stay together. All I can think of is the vast lengths of silent moments in between the inane superficial questions he asks me or his rants about work - just shoot me now.

    Ugh, just had to get that out. I know that there are no answers that anyone can give me about this, really. Ultimately, I need to work this out and figure out what I want to do and then grow the cohones to do it.
     
    Last edited: May 18, 2009
  2. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jo,

    When you were a kid (gradeschool) did you ever have a merrygo round on your playground? I ask this because until a few years ago my life was very much like riding on that thing in gradeschool.

    Today the govt. mandated a set of regulated brakes on them now to prevent them from whirling around, going faster and faster. I have a very bad scar from riding one, while the school bullies pulled and pushed it faster and faster until my head got stuck back from centrifugal force and I fell off, was drug through the gravel.

    All the things that have happened in your home seem to be like this merry-go-round on a playground. Your family just keeps adding more and more and more chores, spinning your round and round and round...and I think you're at the place where you would take your licks jumping off - but are still trying to hang on at a dizzying speed with your body pulled so far back it's just a matter of time before you do fall off and get drug around.

    For that my friend, I'm very sorry. I don't have all the answers and looking in from being outside it's easy to say "Well I'd do this or that." because I know what it feels like; a lot of us here do. You are right in the fact that when you've had enough - you'll let everyone know. I don't think it's a matter of growing some brass ovaries or cajones. I think it's a matter of drawing your boundaries and not settling for less than you deserve.

    You deserve a childless home - your kids could find a place - but why should they? They have no pre-determined move out date.

    You deserve a marriage in a childless home. But how can you figure out what you and husband need when you have this kid and that kid and this crisis and that crisis and the granddog - and I know you worry about that puppy because YOU ARE A MOM - and you know what is right for that puppy. So don't tell me you are NOT worrying about it - because you already are. (HA)

    You deserve a life where you can come home from work and just take off your work clothes, climb into your fat clothes and sit and read or eat doritos with hot cocoa if you want to until you fall asleep or get up and make dinner for you and husband or do a load of laundry - or make a note out of things you want to get done that week.

    So in saying all of this....I wish you the best and hope you know that there is someone out there who knows what a not-so Merry go-round life is like - and hopes you find a way to stop the bullies from pushing you until you fall off.

    Hugs
    (Certified playground safety inspector)
    Star
     
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jo...I am so with you. I really think if I lived just with Tony I would be so much happier. Having an adult child living at home is hoovering the life out of me. I cant say he is bad or does anything wrong but he just drives me crazy. Its the little things. Its the fact that he doesnt do anything unless I practically drag him to the mess and say..."DO THIS NOW" and give him point by point instructions...each and every time. I cant just tell him that he is responsible for the kitchen from now on and have him do it. Which is driving me absolutely batty. Even Keyana is more grown up...do you know this toddler empties her potty chair all by herself? How big girl is that? LOL.
     
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Thanks ladies.
     
  5. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    Just a hug. Adult children should not live at home. That said, I wish mine could afford to live on their own. Back when I was their age, it was feasible. Today---I just don't see how they could do it financially. Everything has tripled but wages.
     
  6. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I came home to FIVE puddles of pee this evening. difficult child was home ALL DAY with the pup and claims she took her out. Puh-Leez. I made difficult child go with me with all the dogs for a walk around the block. Then when easy child came home, she didn't take the pup out [or even ask if she'd been out] and then after dinner there were two more puddles of pee in the living room. Ugh. I wish I didn't love this dog.
     
  7. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending hugs. When Miss KT was at my mom's, Hubby and I were a much happier couple. Now things are sliding again, since they both insist on acting like third graders.
     
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Jo, Nichole got her move out date for 2 reasons. 1. me in nursing school this fall. 2. Stuff like you're describing. Ok, sorry 3 reasons........the kid is 20, plenty old enough to be on her own. (most especially when you have a 3 yr old!)

    Something odd has developed as a result of this move out date that I hadn't anticipated.

    Nichole started pitching in and helping without being asked or told far more often. And I don't mean the usual half arsed way of doing it, but actually cleaning. She is showing (suddenly) that she actually cares how the house looks. She's even been mowing the yard.....and doing the gardening.

    This afternoon she mowed the yard without being ask.....and even put the mower back in the shed when she finished!! (OMG)

    Ok, so it's not consistant quite yet, but it's getting there.

    I know it's not in hopes of me changing my mind about the move out date. She knows I'm firm about it.

    Only thing I can figure.......Is all this investigating she's been doing about bills and such is beginning to make her appreciate us and home. I dunno. But it's nice. We can clean now without fear the room will be trashed again 15 mins later.

    At least H did what you wanted done. Mine wouldn't have bothered. My idiot husband actually complains about Nichole doing his mowing. ugh!

    About the rule as far as being in bed during the day......All I can tell you is that my Mom had one. It wasn't pretty if you dared break it. Same with doing chores. She dumped trashcans into my bed more times than I can count. (gives one motivation to clean) Now I've never dumped trash in my kid's beds.......but I do have to say it was effective on getting my attention. LOL

    (((hugs)))
     
  9. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hugs and more hugs.
     
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Lisa, what you said about Nicole pitching in more was funny to me. Yesterday, while easy child was on her lunch break, she dropped off a salad for me and gave me her meager rent money. She gave me $10 extra for some things she wanted the day before in groceries (which really amounted to about $25, but I let it slide-hmmm, maybe I shouldn't have).

    Most of the time easy child will just do some chores and be helpful; I have to remember that she's been sick since November and is still coughing and having trouble sleeping. Perhaps with her new job and normal hours she will feel better. And she does make dinner once a week, sometimes twice.

    difficult child, on the other hand, will help - when I ask or leave her a note, and sometimes she needs more reminding. But most of the time she will be helpful. I think her anemia is slowing her down a bit and I also think she could be slipping into a bit of a depression. HOWEVER, I notice she has energy to hang with her friends till all hours of the night, so I'm not letting her get away with any of that. Last night she said, "It's great living in a house where every body hates you" - oh, please. easy child gave difficult child some carp about using her laptop while she's at work. H gave her the 3rd degree about job hunting and I gave her some carp about leaving dishes and cups in the sink and on her dresser all day (I hate coming home to a messy kitchen). I said, "We all love you and would just like to see you take responsibility for yourself - stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it." She looked dumbfounded and went back to her room.

    This morning I woke up and felt like I'm getting sick again. Maybe the Dr didn't have me on the antibiotics long enough. I feel like a difficult child myself. Hahaha.
     
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    Jo,

    Anemia can be controlled. I have Thalassemia and belive me - a couple iron pills a day every day - without fail from WALMART and I"m not dragging so badly - I take 2 a day, just plain old over the counter iron....and if it makes her sick or constipated - she can get slow release FE.

    As far as piddles?

    I think you need to prove a point. easy child is NOT well? OKay - then she has no need for a puppy. If she's not well enough to take care of it - she needs to rehome him. If she's just lazy - then she needs to rehome him. IF you want to make a point - put him in a kennel cab- and ask your vet to kennel him for a day or two and tell easy child that THIS is what it is like without the puppy. See if it's better for her (and your carpet).

    If she actually misses him - then tell her when he comes home from the kennel - tired or not, sick or not - NO EXCUSES - it is a life that can NOT take care of itself - when she got him she signed on to be its' Mother - not it's part time care taker and pissyspot cleaner upper. SHe promised when she got him to train him, feed him, play with him - I think she needs a reminder. Firm but assertive - lol (said like Caesar) :laugh:
     
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