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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 753061" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I don't know why my quote thing doesn't work. I guess I'll ask RB. Meanwhile:</p><p></p><p>RN: <em>There was one person that was very cruel to me here when I was very vulnerable but thankfully she is no longer on the site.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I was in this spot too. (I hope I didn't hurt you. RN.) Devastated by posts here. I think this went on for a few years.</p><p></p><p>There is the strength that can emerge in us in the face of indecision, doubt and humility. There needs to be a place for this here. We need to permit each other this.</p><p></p><p>In the face of a strong, clear voice that feels hurtful, or even judgmental: <em>it must be my fault. I am the weak link here. It's just me. My problem. I'm alone.</em> And then, here, CD, becomes just as hurtful as the world. Maybe more.</p><p></p><p>You see, in the past, nobody spoke up. We all of us bore it. There was not a conversation here about this. Maybe there was a climate of harshness here. And nobody spoke up. Or if we did, we were all alone.</p><p></p><p>New Leaf: <em>at one time I was hurt by a comment made. I don’t think that was the intention of the member. I think it revealed my vulnerability and rawness. Kind of what I see with my grands. They are easily triggered and offended. That’s trauma in action.</em></p><p><em></em></p><p>New Leaf. I hope I was not the one who hurt you. I could be cavalier. And thoughtless. I think I was "high horse." Is that the word? It is not the fault of the tenderhearted person, who is hurt. We need to assume we're all tenderhearted. Because we are.</p><p></p><p>This person who hurt people who used to be here felt herself in her life to have been victimized. She never imagined that she could have hurt others. Nor would she have wanted to hurt anybody. She was kind. But she did. She did hurt people. While I am speaking here of somebody who is not me, that description could be me, too.</p><p></p><p>When I was a young woman, somebody told me I was arrogant. I was secretly pleased. Because the secret part of me felt timid, insecure, vulnerable, fragile. I loved the idea of arrogance because it spoke of somebody who others could not hurt, somebody that nobody could touch. During the same period with men I sought to be a "femme fatal." Not to hurt anybody but to be untouchable. To have the power to reject. To not be rejected. The vulnerability I tried to conceal from myself...but I felt so vulnerable as to be incapable of even imagining a relationship of reciprocity, where vulnerability could come from shared intimacy.</p><p></p><p>It would be many years where I would be able to feel vulnerability, fully. Or maybe, I still don't. You see. It's not so easy to know if one is the victim or victimizer. Because all of us can be both.</p><p></p><p>I don't know how to reconcile this, here. We do hurt each other, sometimes with intent. Sometimes inadvertently. By our defensiveness, by prejudice, by indifference, even by role-playing.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking the past few days this, I think it was RN who said it. She used the verb "ignore." I think there is a lot of wisdom and strength in this. Because it's so, so easy to be triggered and to think one responds in the best interest, but really all it is, is ego defense trying to bury feeling, by dominating and controlling the conversation. There's strength and responsibility in ignoring. I have a hard time with ignoring. I react.</p><p></p><p>Yet, if we don't take responsibility here to say how we feel, and what we value, it's the wild west. Everybody will be forced to get out their pistols.</p><p></p><p>It's hard to know what is right. In a 12 step group there is not cross-talk. But here there is. If there is cross-talk, there is cross-talk. That means we have the right to say what hurts us, right? That means we have the right to say what we need, right? I don't see that this is wrong. As long as we try hard to anticipate the feelings of others, and to take these in account. And recognize that there is not one of us who is not growing. That means we are all of us limited. We need each other to be complete.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 753061, member: 18958"] I don't know why my quote thing doesn't work. I guess I'll ask RB. Meanwhile: RN: [I]There was one person that was very cruel to me here when I was very vulnerable but thankfully she is no longer on the site. [/I] I was in this spot too. (I hope I didn't hurt you. RN.) Devastated by posts here. I think this went on for a few years. There is the strength that can emerge in us in the face of indecision, doubt and humility. There needs to be a place for this here. We need to permit each other this. In the face of a strong, clear voice that feels hurtful, or even judgmental: [I]it must be my fault. I am the weak link here. It's just me. My problem. I'm alone.[/I] And then, here, CD, becomes just as hurtful as the world. Maybe more. You see, in the past, nobody spoke up. We all of us bore it. There was not a conversation here about this. Maybe there was a climate of harshness here. And nobody spoke up. Or if we did, we were all alone. New Leaf: [I]at one time I was hurt by a comment made. I don’t think that was the intention of the member. I think it revealed my vulnerability and rawness. Kind of what I see with my grands. They are easily triggered and offended. That’s trauma in action. [/I] New Leaf. I hope I was not the one who hurt you. I could be cavalier. And thoughtless. I think I was "high horse." Is that the word? It is not the fault of the tenderhearted person, who is hurt. We need to assume we're all tenderhearted. Because we are. This person who hurt people who used to be here felt herself in her life to have been victimized. She never imagined that she could have hurt others. Nor would she have wanted to hurt anybody. She was kind. But she did. She did hurt people. While I am speaking here of somebody who is not me, that description could be me, too. When I was a young woman, somebody told me I was arrogant. I was secretly pleased. Because the secret part of me felt timid, insecure, vulnerable, fragile. I loved the idea of arrogance because it spoke of somebody who others could not hurt, somebody that nobody could touch. During the same period with men I sought to be a "femme fatal." Not to hurt anybody but to be untouchable. To have the power to reject. To not be rejected. The vulnerability I tried to conceal from myself...but I felt so vulnerable as to be incapable of even imagining a relationship of reciprocity, where vulnerability could come from shared intimacy. It would be many years where I would be able to feel vulnerability, fully. Or maybe, I still don't. You see. It's not so easy to know if one is the victim or victimizer. Because all of us can be both. I don't know how to reconcile this, here. We do hurt each other, sometimes with intent. Sometimes inadvertently. By our defensiveness, by prejudice, by indifference, even by role-playing. I have been thinking the past few days this, I think it was RN who said it. She used the verb "ignore." I think there is a lot of wisdom and strength in this. Because it's so, so easy to be triggered and to think one responds in the best interest, but really all it is, is ego defense trying to bury feeling, by dominating and controlling the conversation. There's strength and responsibility in ignoring. I have a hard time with ignoring. I react. Yet, if we don't take responsibility here to say how we feel, and what we value, it's the wild west. Everybody will be forced to get out their pistols. It's hard to know what is right. In a 12 step group there is not cross-talk. But here there is. If there is cross-talk, there is cross-talk. That means we have the right to say what hurts us, right? That means we have the right to say what we need, right? I don't see that this is wrong. As long as we try hard to anticipate the feelings of others, and to take these in account. And recognize that there is not one of us who is not growing. That means we are all of us limited. We need each other to be complete. [/QUOTE]
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