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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 755573" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear New Leaf I have been out of town the past week away from the computer, thus am seeing this sad post for the first time, right now. I am sorry, truly. And I am in somewhat the same place, as my son had admitted himself to a program and sober living home 2 weeks ago, after we refused to buy him any food or give him money for same. He had established a pattern where he would use his SSI money for drugs, and be without money for the rest of the month. Every month this happened sooner, until this past month his money was gone after a week.</p><p></p><p>In the way this is my son for now, this is Tornado. They choose this on some level. Maybe until they choose voluntarily to go to long-term treatment, they are choosing this on all levels. And within this box, there is no entry for us. Not for you, not for me.</p><p></p><p>I warned my son to think before he burned his bridges with the sober living home, that if he was using it solely for instrumental and self-serving purposes, that is purely for housing and support, without intention to abstain, to think twice. I told him he would not be returning to live anywhere with or near me, under any circumstances. We believe he has left the program and sober living home. He warned me: Mom. <em>The house manager is using Meth.</em> This is what my son does. He projects.</p><p></p><p>Without intention and the desire to seek to become responsible, even a little bit, this cycling of our children becomes inevitable. Truly, I am beginning to believe that no contact is better. There seems to be not one thing I can offer my son, that serves him. And everything serves his addictive behavior. I write this to you to shore up your response to your daughter and to support you to support and to forgive yourself, for any ambivalence.</p><p> It occurred to me only late last night, what the implications are for me and my son, if he's left there. He had gone back on the antivirals for his Hep B. I worry constantly that he will stop them (again) because of the boomerang risk to the virus. Did he go back on the antivirals as a manipulation? And did I set this up, by encouraging it, encouraging him? My involvement with my son puts him at risk, if it serves to add this variable into his mix. Better he not in any way be influenced by me, or the desire to influence me. If all anything is, is a manipulation, and not truly felt or desired.</p><p></p><p>New Leaf. I know we've been around the block with this before. Yet this time I have more clarity that there is no way I can support my son because he distorts everything. Every single thing becomes about this indigent/drug/manipulative lifestyle. The toxicity of it, spills over into me and my life, not the other way around. Every single thing I have done to help seems only to have served him to become further entrenched.</p><p></p><p>That said, I believe you did the right thing to stay true to yourself bringing the toiletries. You're her mother. What you did was purely driven by a heart full of love. How is that wrong? How will it ever be wrong? There's no reason to regret that. We are not fools. We are mothers. That will never change. Why should it? But I am very, very sorry, New Leaf. And I know the worry, which I share. Love.</p><p></p><p>PS New Leaf. I am so very sorry you are disappointed once again. I am disappointed for me, too. My son feels no interest nor obligation to touch base with me, to let me know how or where he is, absent his need to use me or my resources. I exist only to serve. Sadly.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 755573, member: 18958"] Dear New Leaf I have been out of town the past week away from the computer, thus am seeing this sad post for the first time, right now. I am sorry, truly. And I am in somewhat the same place, as my son had admitted himself to a program and sober living home 2 weeks ago, after we refused to buy him any food or give him money for same. He had established a pattern where he would use his SSI money for drugs, and be without money for the rest of the month. Every month this happened sooner, until this past month his money was gone after a week. In the way this is my son for now, this is Tornado. They choose this on some level. Maybe until they choose voluntarily to go to long-term treatment, they are choosing this on all levels. And within this box, there is no entry for us. Not for you, not for me. I warned my son to think before he burned his bridges with the sober living home, that if he was using it solely for instrumental and self-serving purposes, that is purely for housing and support, without intention to abstain, to think twice. I told him he would not be returning to live anywhere with or near me, under any circumstances. We believe he has left the program and sober living home. He warned me: Mom. [I]The house manager is using Meth.[/I] This is what my son does. He projects. Without intention and the desire to seek to become responsible, even a little bit, this cycling of our children becomes inevitable. Truly, I am beginning to believe that no contact is better. There seems to be not one thing I can offer my son, that serves him. And everything serves his addictive behavior. I write this to you to shore up your response to your daughter and to support you to support and to forgive yourself, for any ambivalence. It occurred to me only late last night, what the implications are for me and my son, if he's left there. He had gone back on the antivirals for his Hep B. I worry constantly that he will stop them (again) because of the boomerang risk to the virus. Did he go back on the antivirals as a manipulation? And did I set this up, by encouraging it, encouraging him? My involvement with my son puts him at risk, if it serves to add this variable into his mix. Better he not in any way be influenced by me, or the desire to influence me. If all anything is, is a manipulation, and not truly felt or desired. New Leaf. I know we've been around the block with this before. Yet this time I have more clarity that there is no way I can support my son because he distorts everything. Every single thing becomes about this indigent/drug/manipulative lifestyle. The toxicity of it, spills over into me and my life, not the other way around. Every single thing I have done to help seems only to have served him to become further entrenched. That said, I believe you did the right thing to stay true to yourself bringing the toiletries. You're her mother. What you did was purely driven by a heart full of love. How is that wrong? How will it ever be wrong? There's no reason to regret that. We are not fools. We are mothers. That will never change. Why should it? But I am very, very sorry, New Leaf. And I know the worry, which I share. Love. PS New Leaf. I am so very sorry you are disappointed once again. I am disappointed for me, too. My son feels no interest nor obligation to touch base with me, to let me know how or where he is, absent his need to use me or my resources. I exist only to serve. Sadly. [/QUOTE]
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