It's been a lousy summer. Stick that fork in me, 'cuz I'm *done*. Dealing with B's death has been just so incredibly difficult. My own grief, and Diva's and of course thank you. I hate suicide. I don't think I've ever seen anything so massively destructive. I cannot visualize ever making peace with this. I still have moments where I just can't catch my breath. And I worry about thank you - it's just wiped him completely out. Such a senseless and stupid act - hmmm, maybe I'm hitting anger phase of grief? But then again not really because when the anger starts, I get sucked back into how much pain she must have been in to do that, to be able to pull the trigger, and the waves just all suck me back under. Then our dog, Angelina, died. I know, comparatively minor, but really not because now Weeburt is grieving as well (his dog). Awful awful awful. She was 12, had been diagnosed with- Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD) but also had a heart murmur - I was in the process of trying to get her into a doggie cardiologist and ... one morning she was just gone. We weren't great doggie parents, but she was a member of our family. I can't stand to go in our backyard anymore because she's not there to beg for food or nuzzle our hands... I miss the sound of her dog tags. And now one of my best friends from HS... you know, you had 1 or 2 really close friends who stood by you, thick and thin, who traveled that horrible adolescent road with you, and you all came out semi-whole at the end of it all? Yea, well, one of those friends. We took very different paths as adults and had really just sent Christmas cards until the last few years when even that stopped, but... I don't know, there are just some people who travel the road with you for a while and those people become a part of you forever. She was diagnosed with liver cancer last fall, and while rationally I knew that that was that, I guess I was really hoping for a miracle, that she'd be one who beats the odds. She's been told by 2 of the top cancer centers now that there's nothing more to do. She's only 50. And she is my friend and ... It's just life, and death, I know. Been going on for all time. I can't even say I'm depressed, which is really bizarre 'cuz you'd think if one were to be depressed, now would be the time, but I think I am just stuck in knee-deep (or rather neck-deep) grief. Work is suffering because I have the attention span of a gnat - guess quality of work will be exceptional since I'm proofing stuff 3 and 4 times. I can't remember a conversation I had 5 minutes ago - my kids are getting frustrated with me because I say the same thing that I just said because I can't remember if I actually said it or just thought it. And I worry about thank you because how much can a kid take? And Weeburt because he's supposed to be applying to colleges and I just don't know if he's ready to do this (though he kicked some major posterior on the SAT/ACT and his AP scores - but he's just so utterly unmotivated as well as being my baby boy). And Diva 'cuz she's starting HS and is in the band which is a *huge* deal nationally and HS bites generally and... And I worry about Boo because I'm getting old and tired and .... and.... and... I keep reminding myself that life cycles and we're obvious caught in one seriously hoovering cycle and that it will get better... and then I think about making a similar statement to husband right after Angelina died. He was telling me how to contact him that day at work because he was going to be someplace different and in my usual supremely dark way I said "don't worry, I won't need to get a hold of you, what else could possibly go wrong?"..... and the AC repair guy proceeded informed me that the AC was kaput and we were 19 days (19 DAYS) past warranty and that will be $3000, thank you very much. Oh, and that was 2 days before we had our first 100-plus-degree day, with a kid who doesn't sweat due to medications. Let me tell you, being in a house with an interior temp of 97 is not a whole lot of fun. So now I'm trying not to think it will get better because ... well, temp fate to show you what else can go wrong, and she'll show you, sure enough. Anyway - no one to share this with, so you folks are the lucky ones.