And the drama continues

[SeaGenieTx]

Mtdenise I'm in your shoes as my 23 yr old son is doing the same. I check his Facebook posts just to make sure he is alive. He is mooching off friends, partying and running from responsibilities and the law. Just a matter of time he runs out of luck. I just know my house is so peaceful with him gone. He will never live in my home again that's for damn sure. Hang in there you are NOT alone. I have my good days and bad days too - seems to be getting so much easier the more I detach.

 

[Tanya M]

It never ceases to amaze me how our d-cs always manage to find someone who will "help" them out. One thing I have learned is those who choose to help them, that's on them. Of course I feel bad if they get burned but it's their choice. I used to feel like I needed to warn everyone who came into my sons life but I realized that is not my place. I need to live for myself just as you need to live for yourself.

I started putting ornaments on the tree and there were so many memories of my son. Ornaments with his picture, ornaments he made, ornaments with his name on them. I almost took the damn tree down. Worst I've felt in a long time.

I know exactly how you feel. Years ago I put all the ornaments that were painful for me into a bag that stays in my ornament box. For me, it has gotten easier over the years. One of the hardest things for me was my mom had gifted to my son some heirloom ornaments and decorations which she wrote notes to my son with the intention that "someday" I would pass along to him these cherished items with the notes. My mom passed 17 years ago. I was with her when she passed away and my husband was with our son in court. It can be hard for me when I'm going through the Christmas decorations and come across those special hand written notes from my mom. I do hope someday that I might be able to pass along these treasures to my son.
I made a decision a long time ago that I was not going to allow my son to ruin any more holidays, birthdays or any other type of celebration as I was no longer going to give him that power.
I love decorating my Christmas tree and my home for the holidays. I do it for me. I cherish the good memories and let go of the rest.

Hang in there!! You will get through this.

 

[mtic]

Just wanted to post an update. My son called on Thursday. He will be back in town on Tuesday because he has to meet with his parole officer. We have no idea what will happen as he violated parole by moving to another state. He was still coming back to check in all these months, so I'm not sure how serious a violation this is. Anyway, he also said he wanted to move back near us, how he wants to change, how he screwed his life up...you know all the stuff DCs say all the time. He wants to move back home with us.

As much as I want him back home to try to help him, I know that's not feasible right now. I don't trust him as he has stolen from us in the past. His father and I told him that he needs to find someplace else to live (he already arranged to stay with some friends just in case we said no) and that we need to have several face-to-face conversations with him before we would even consider having him live at home. Basically we need to see improvement in his life...something we haven't seen in over 2 years.

I really don't know where this is going to lead, but I feel the ball is totally in his court. He has to prove to us that he wants to change. He definitely has to build up our trust. Ugh...just one thing after another. Trying not to get my hopes up.

 

[wakeupcall]

I couldn't put up a tree this year either. Just.Couldn't.Do.It. It's supposed to be a happy day with family...at least that's how I was brought up. For me, it's anything but a happy day. I'll be glad when it's all over.

 

[Jabberwockey]

We have no idea what will happen as he violated parole by moving to another state. He was still coming back to check in all these months, so I'm not sure how serious a violation this is.

Is he on probation or parole? In other words, was he released from prison to supervision or is this his sentence? The reason I ask is that if he is on parole (released from prison) then there is a good chance he will go back. If he is on probation then it will depend on how well he has done while on supervision. Must admit though, they probably wont take lightly the fact that he has been lying to them all this time. Either way, he will probably spend a couple of days in jail since they should have immediately issued an abscond warrant as soon as they found out that he was living out of state.

 

[Childofmine]

Mtdenise, I can understand your unsettled feelings about him coming back there and not knowing what will happen.

As much as I want him back home to try to help him, I know that's not feasible right now.

It's great that you know this. Our homes must be our sanctuaries. Especially when we are dealing with the pain of a Difficult Child.

Your son may likely spend time in jail for this. I know when my son violated probation several times he always went back to jail for a period of time. That was okay with me. My son had a lifelong habit of believing the rules don't apply to him. I contributed to that. So it was good for the buck to stop with law enforcement.

If you can, listen and be supportive about anything positive he says, but stand way back and give him a lot of space and boundaries and distance and time.

People often say one thing and do another. I saw with my son, as he began turning his life around about 18 months ago, a lot of doing really hard things (like sleeping outside on a bench and walking to work to be there at 4 a.m. day after day) for months. I didn't step in except to offer to wash his blanket a few times, have him over for dinner, and offer encouragement. We waited for months before we were confident enough in the fact that he was working very very hard to change, before we helped him get an apartment in late October. Four months went by for us.

Hang in there. I hope something good comes of all of this.

 

[Tanya M]

I don't trust him as he has stolen from us in the past. His father and I told him that he needs to find someplace else to live

Yes, trust is a precious thing and once it has been broken it is almost impossible to get back. I don't know if I will ever trust my son again. My son has also stolen from us on numerous occasions and that in and of itself is reason not to trust but for me, it goes so much deeper. The repeated lying cuts to the quick.

we need to have several face-to-face conversations with him before we would even consider having him live at home. Basically we need to see improvement in his life...something we haven't seen in over 2 years.

I caution you to be very careful here. My son was very good at telling us what we wanted to hear and also "pretending" to show improvement. You see, he knew that if he could convince us that he was "really trying" that we would continue to help him. What I learned is that we should not have been helping at all because it only continued the cycle of enabling.

Be good to yourself. Treat yourself to something special.

 

[BusynMember]

I don't think face-to-face talks will help either. Drug users lie. I think the best way to see if your son has changed is NOT to talk at all about it, but to watch his behavior and i'd wait several months. My daughter (cough) "quit" many times to hear her say it, but it wasn't true. When she finally quit we could tell she had changed for the better and s he did not boast about it to us or ask for anything from us and started to launch and has been good ever since.

Talk is cheap to an addict. It won't tell you anything. As my ex-drug using daughter has said to us, "Never trust what a drug user says. They lie." And she lied the entire time she used too. And she as there...she knows.

 

[mtic]

Thank you for all your comments. Jabber, he was on supervised probation. Never did any jail time. I got my terms mixed up.

I was actually coming back to this thread to ask if I should reconsider taking him in. I believe he is going to move in with the same friends he had when he left (not the best environment and I'm not even sure they will accept him back). He really has no place else to go. Part of me wants him out of that environment, but as I said I can't trust him. I figure if he's hell bent on changing he will work like hell to get out of that not so good place to stay. I'm so confused. Oh how we want to help, but just can't live feeling like we have to hide everything of value in our house. I'm going to re-read all the comments. The life experiences here are exactly what I need to hear right now. Thank you!!!

 

[BusynMember]

My experience is that even if he lives with you, he will still seek out the environment he will move into if you don't let him. He isn't clean and he won't stay clean even in your house and if he steals, lies, uses etc. in your house it would again be my opinion to let him go until he is clean and you KNOW he is clean. My daughter did as many drug things living in my house than not. She fooled us a lot into thinking she was clean, but she snuck out at night and used, especially when we were sleeping. She managed to get on parole twice while living at home...she had to live at home...she was a minor most of the time. She did not change her lifestyle or friends until SHE decided to do it on her own and she wasn't at home when she made that decision. In short, I personally (and this is just one opinion) think you are asking for more stress and chaos if you bring him home while he is still sick.

 

[Jabberwockey]

You didn't misspeak. Parole officer has become a generic term. Just wanted to clarify. If you don't trust him then don't let him move in with you. He wont appreciate it and it wont help him or you. If that's what he wants, he will find those bad places to hang out. He may even bring those people into your home.

 

[mtic]

In short, I personally (and this is just one opinion) think you are asking for more stress and chaos if you bring him home while he is still sick.

I agree. I'm so thankful for this site...truly I am. Your input is all so valuable. Who else completely understands what we are going through. Before my son contacted me that he was coming back home and he hadn't contacted me for 3 weeks before that, I had someone tell me "you need to go find him, bring him home, and get him into rehab." Love when people make me feel like !

 

[mtic]

If that's what he wants, he will find those bad places to hang out.

My thoughts exactly.

 

[BusynMember]

you need to go find him, bring him home, and get him into rehab." Love when people make me feel like !

Disregard clueless people. You can't MAKE an adult come home nor can you FORCE an adult into rehab. This person has obviously never been there.

 

[New Leaf]

Hi mtdenise, UGH, I am so sorry for the pain of all of this.

I figure if he's hell bent on changing he will work like hell to get out of that not so good place to stay. I'm so confused. Oh how we want to help, but just can't live feeling like we have to hide everything of value in our house. I'm going to re-read all the comments. The life experiences here are exactly what I need to hear right now. Thank you!!!

Take it from a mom who has been through the "revolving door" syndrome, it does not work. Our homes are supposed to be our sanctuary. I am still in the habit of locking my bag in the car. We still have key locks on bedroom doors. Insanity.
My 14 year old finally woke me up "Mom, why do we have people live with us when they STEAL from us?" UGH.
Once these kids have walked all over us, they do not bat an eyelash about stealing again, mine had the gaul to blame their younger sibs.......

, I had someone tell me "you need to go find him, bring him home, and get him into rehab." Love when people make me feel like !

Folks have all of the answers, don't they, LOL. Obviously NOT been there, done that. We cannot make anyone do anything they do not want to.

Stand your ground mtdenise, and let your boy prove himself by his actions.

(((HUGS)))
leafy

 

[toughlovin]

Ha .... if we couuld find them bring them home, get him into rehab and voila they are cured..... we wouldnt need this site because we all would have done that and we would not have the addiction crisis we have in this country. Ugh advice like that makes me crazy!!

 

[New Leaf]

This song says it all......
Amy Winehouse - Rehab

 

[Jabberwockey]

At work so have to ask which song?

 

[Tanya M]

Oh how we want to help

Sometimes the best way to help is to do nothing. Remember, helping isn't helping if we are enabling.

just can't live feeling like we have to hide everything of value in our house.

Your home is your sanctuary and you should not have to live like that. I did and it was awful. We even put a lock on our bedroom door. That didn't stop my son, no he took a hammer to the door and beat a huge hole in it so he could get in and steal from us.

He really has no place else to go.

He chose the life he's been living. That is all on him.

My experience is that even if he lives with you, he will still seek out the environment

SWOT, I couldn't have said it better!!

I had someone tell me "you need to go find him, bring him home, and get him into rehab." Love when people make me feel like !

Do your best to disregard people who think they have all the answers. People like this think they are being helpful but they speak of what they know nothing about and if it was really that easy to just go find him and get him into rehab then none of us would need to be here on this site. Please try not to let what they say affect you, hold your head up high, you my dear friend are a "Warrior Parent".

 

[New Leaf]

At work so have to ask which song?

Amy Winehouse Rehab........