And the police have been here twice today.

[AmericanGirl]

difficult child's iphone showed he was likely walking here so I decided to leave and meet him in route rather than here.

He was 1/2 block away. Claimed he didn't get my text to leave me alone. Yeah, right.

Told him had car searched and there was pot in it. He lied about seeing idiots.

Said he had no where to go. Told him I was sorry but he CHOSE to move out of my house. Then I got to hear about how stupid my rules were.

Said I was done and was leaving. He said he would be waiting at house when I returned. I said I would call cops. And I did.

He did give me back keys and walked off. Cops came, found him and brought him back. Gave him trespass warning. He told them I was crazy and on Xanax, etc. I ended up insisting on him giving me his phone back. There's zero benefit to me from monitoring his location at this point.

He has belligerant. Told cops it wasn't against the law for him to sit outside my house, etc.

Haven't spent much time but there are texts about using pot and finding pot.

I told him to message me tomorrow and I would bring him clothes, etc. to a public place. He said he didn't have a way to do that now I had his phone. I told him I was sure he would figure it out.

 

[Nancy]

Sigh, I'm sorry AG. Stay strong.

 

[toughlovin]

OH AG I am sorry, it is all so heartbreaking. My one piece of advice is to do what you can to stay out of power struggles... if he sits outside your house then just let him sit there... if he is acting up then yes call the cops. So if he does text you or call you to being clothes then dont argue about where to bring them, just bring them.

The best piece of advice I got was from a therapist when we first kicked my son out.... she told me to stay in touch, let him know I love him but keep clear he cant come home. He didnt call for a couple of weeks while I went crazy.... but when he got in trouble he called. So my goal since then has been to keep letting him know I love him but wont enable him. And I think that has helped both me and him. It helps me with any guilt because I know he knows we love him and I have shown that to him in many ways.... and in some sense I think it helps him to know we are there and we love him but that we will help him when he is ready for help. And at least for the moment he is getting help and so we are there for him.

*TL

 

[AmericanGirl]

TL,

*wise words, thank you. I'll heed every one.

 

[PatriotsGirl]

You are doing amazing!!! You have always been my inspiration in detachment. I am so sorry he is making these bad choices again....I know how happy you were that he seemed to be doing so well. (((hugs)))

 

[BusynMember]

I would be very tempted to text those kids back with "This is the police. We have XXXX's phone and XXXX." I got so dang sick and tired of the scumbags my daughter choose as her "friends."

 

[Signorina]

AG, I am once again awed by your strength. Stay strong xo

 

[AmericanGirl]

Thanks all...I don't feel strong. I feel sad and scared.

 

[buddy]

I bet, so just trust us.....you are amazing.

 

[scent of cedar]

You are doing a hard but necessary thing. When I have to take hard steps, it helps me to remember that I knew, before I ever took the necessary action, that I would feel badly. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for us, when we take the actions we know we need to take.

This may help you. It helped me.

One of the mom's here was posting about her 19 year old son whining about how his power had been cut off, he didn't have any food, he was too hot without AC. She felt so badly. Her own home was so much quieter and more peaceful without him there. She had food, AC, and power. Then? She ran across something about 19 year old soldiers in Iraq. Through that article and those pictures, she was able to understand, very clearly, that her son was where he was by choice. That he was whining, instead of going into the world as a man. When she posted about that, I went and found a picture of young soldiers, too. (This happened years ago, when I first came to the site.) Anyway, I posted the picture next to the phone. Seeing it there gave me strength whenever I missed my own difficult child, whenever I questioned having made him leave home. When he would call, always rude, always demanding...I would look at that picture and know my son was not who he was raised to be.

In fact, that picture may have been my turn around point.

I think I stopped blaming myself then for how things had turned out.

I really got it that I hadn't raised my son to do what he was doing.

It was life changing, for me to realize that.

I still felt badly for where my son was, and where he went, even after that. But it changed my understanding of the underlying dynamic. I found myself able to say things like "You were raised better than to do what you are doing." In fact, it was easy. Because it was true.

I'm thinking that is true for you and your son, too.

You are doing the right thing.

Barbara

 

[AmericanGirl]

Barbara,

thank you for your post. It helps. I totally agree with you.

good advice around here....real good.

 

[lovemysons]

Thinking of you AG...Stay strong...Keep the faith.

Hugs,
LMS