and the truth shall set you free?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Jena, Mar 12, 2011.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    who said that?? LOL set me free i wanna scream!!

    so had to share this, i pushed and i finally got the truth.......

    husband has been avoiding me, avoiding discussing how we're going to end this, etc.

    so finally i called him and it didnt' take much pushing...

    he's been talking to ex all along, for years. sharing our life, our problems, etc. all of it.

    hence the reason why she calls, texts, writes inappropriate messages on facebook to leave me etc. all this drama and he pegged her as the "pyscho" all the time.

    he'd say she just won't stop, i try to cut her off you know how she is. Yet she was just being "normal" in response to the secret friendship they shared.

    he wont' even text me back now that i said wow omg you betrayed me for years literally. instead of being honest, you made her look like the pyscho told me you weren't talking to her and had no idea why she'd do what she was doing.......

    i'm in shock still, trying to process how he could do this to me, for so long also. i'm just blown away right now. can't even think of what to do next right now because i'm blown away. truly lol wow not many people can do that to me!

    for years it felt wrong, id' say why does this woman hate me this way? on and on id' go. well there it is i'd hate me too if my exh sat on phone with-me and told me all these horrid things, complained about me etc.

    my first gut reaction is to MOVE outta here, get outta here. how can i stay in this neighborhood? also he was trying to talk me into repairing things today... how could I with this level of dishonesty and for so long and pitting his ex and me against each other i mean truly sick if you ask me.

    i called therapist and wow this woman bites hasnt' called me back in two days........ again wtf

    i dont' know why i'm soo shocked, i really dont. it all makes alot of sense now. repair it? is he kidding? had to share this since all of you have been with-me on the ongoing drama of my life :)
     
  2. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Makes you wonder how much she knows about he described her to you.
     
  3. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I'm right there with ya kid! This is exactly what I'm dealing with right now - I'm sorry you're hurting...I wish I could say it's easy - it's not, but I'm here to testify that things start getting slightly more clear each and every day.

    Feel better sweetie - pm if you need to scream! And whatever you do - don't make any harsh or final decisions...you've been on a rocky road - take your time, breathe, breathe and breathe.

    Beth
     
  4. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Don't have the stuff for margaritas here, but I'll have a drink for you after Kiddo goes to bed.
     
  5. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    At some point she'll figure out the same. Don;'t get too upset over therapist- most don't call back between appts very much- especially on weekends.
     
  6. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    (((hugs))) I'm so sorry you are going through this. I've been hoping for your situation to improve and your life to be what you had so wanted it to be. I know the pain of the betrayal of learning a spouse was speaking that way with someone else, in particular about me (it was all lies lies lies and me wondering why an entire community -small military one- seemed so unwilling to be social or even civil at times). It is heart wrenching and I do very much understand. Again, I'm so sorry and I wish I had wise words or something. But what can one say really? Be kind to yourself right now and don't rush out the door with bags packed without a solid plan in tact for your life etc.
     
  7. Star*

    Star* call 911........call 911

    You'll figure it out Jena - Hugs.
     
  8. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You know ex wife or not - he was talking trash about you to a "friend". I have heard many, many men do this about their wives and I just don't get it. I can tell they love them, but yet they need to vent in such a hostile way??? I think mature men do not do that, they have enough self awareness to realize how disgusting that is - and enough maturity to process their issues normally and rationally. Yet for many men - this is the only way they can work through their issues.. They go to work, or the bar, trash their wives, and then go home and love on them. I don't get it - and I would never want to be married to someone like that. Yet, in some way you have to try to not take this too personally. Think of him as a Neanderthal pounding his chest. And then go from there with your decisions. I do not think he is still in love with this woman, he is just attached to her friendship - and acting like a stone age man in the way he is processing his issues with his "friend". He obviously has a lot of anger somewhere deep inside from something far beyond you.

    Many hugs being sent your way - and strength to make the right decisions.
     
  9. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Jena, this is exactly what I said has been going on. And it's not personal - he does this with everybody and has done for years. When he was married to ex he probably vented nastily about her. It is how he is. But yes, it has been going on the whole time, your own posts have told me this.

    You need to choose if you can live with this. At some level he does love you or he would have left long ago, with all the problems you've endured. I don't see him changing his ways; too deeply entrenched. He and ex will never get back together, but he will continue venting. If not to her, then he will find some other outlet.

    Marg
     
  10. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Jena...it is him, not you (I think you figured this out). Like Marg said, he has no control...he needs to vent. However, I think it is a VERY negative trait. Also, he lies very easily...not good. I have no answers. I've been through a divorce. I keep hearing "I'll change." It never happened, even when I agreed to move to a new town for a new start after filing for divorce (lawyers call this the geographical solution...lol).

    If he had nothing to hide on his cell phone he wouldn't care that you looked at his messages. I couldn't give a flying fleep if hub looked at mine and ditto for him.

    You have my support. I'm so sorry that he turned out to be this way :<
     
  11. svengandhi

    svengandhi Well-Known Member

    I went through this as well, although in my case, H was complaining about me to the POS's he was cheating on me with - no wonder they thought they'd be the next Mrs. Svengandhi's H! I found e-mail's, IM chat logs (back when people still did IM'ing), etc. I made my "peace" with it because the 3 divorce lawyers I consulted all told me that I'd probably lose my kids and have to pay HIM child support even though I had grounds for divorce... However, I don't confide in him at all anymore... I don't trust him and if he doesn't join me in my plans to move closer to the city when youngest boy finishes HS, oh, well!
     
  12. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm sure there is relief in knowing that he has had this habit during the years you were dating and not just the eight months that you have been married. Now you know that you have not been imaging scenarios and feeling betrayed without reason.
    Obviously your husband has issues that need to be resolved. Is he still willing to go to therapy to work through his problems, your problems and the problems in the marriage? If so I really believe you both should try now the cloud of doubt has been lifted and he is beginning to see how damaging it has been.

    I am close to a few women who discovered ongoing infidelities and were absolutely heartbroken. After the initial shock they were able to unite in counseling and actually save their family unit. Obviously I know more who decided to face the world alone. Some were happy with their decisions and others felt that after the dust settled that they wished they had given it one more try, mainly for the sake of the children.

    Take some time and analyze your choices. Make a list of his strong points as well as his problem. Make a list for you. Make a list for each of your chldren. If for no other reason than we are living in grave times in 2011 and 2012 is not projected to be much improved I fear the results of losing your home, losing your car, losing the very important health insurance protections for your children and yourself. There are very few supports for single Moms today and the cuts in benefits and in particularly the mental health community. Even in l970 it was almost impossible to find someone to care for my children while I worked. Having a difficult child made it scarey for the children and for me....and I did have backup support from my family.

    Whatever you decide you have the support of your cyber family. We are on your team and hope for the best. Hugs DDD
     
  13. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    DDD has a good point. I dont know how I could have gone it alone with my boys. For many years I think Tony and I stuck it out together simply because we didnt want to split up the boys. There were times we didnt even want to be in the same room with each other. There are times now we dont want to be together...lol. For a long time we were just parents because neither of us could have raised the kids alone. It took two of us and that was just what we had to do because it was our responsibility as parents.
     
  14. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    DJ, I tend to think that's what it takes and in my humble opinion, that's what true commitment is. Of course, it still takes both people feeling that commitment and willing to do it while still both have to understand that every "rule" can't become a "testimony" of the commitment. Of course I'm one who has these opinions but couldn't make a marriage last over 2 years. LOL!
     
  15. Jena

    Jena New Member

    klmno don't feel bad this is my longest standing relationship in my life!! LOL

    thanks guys i posted this then emailed Star and said hmm get someone to take that down lol enough of my drama :)

    well communicating via text is nota good thing for sure. messages get misunderstood etc. we finally spoke at length last night till 5 a.m. yup omg long! it isnt' or wasn't to the extent i wrote in original thread. yet he does talk to her on occassion he said. all cards were on table last night for once there was honesty i sensed it. he even sat with-phone showing me all calls and texts past mos. etc. it is her she's a bit off she has problems we all do i guess one way or another right?

    i think wha'Tourette's Syndrome happened here is i push and push and push i look to control this relationship. He clearly has detatchment issues, states openly he has no idea why when she corners him he anti';s up. he said in his own words its' easier, she gets what she wants then leaves me alone and i don't have to deal anymore. You it's different, i have to deal with-you everyday on an ongoing basis. if i tell you i talked to her you blow it out of porportion, blow up, tell me i'm sick etc. to still answer to her. he said it's too much of a beating so yea this way is easier. i ask him all the time you talk to her, etc. i think the question is also why am i so insecure about this relationship? why am i soo needy of his complete and utter attention? she is gay let's face it they wont' be back together anytime soon. he doesnt' see her, lunch with her etc. not making light of what he did at all. he totally screwed up, yet i also keep looking to him to "fix" him, i think i'd better start asking questions like ok jen why do "you" keep doing this?

    than he went on to say i married you and you have no time for me in your world. difficult child's screaming each night when trying to sleep. He said i knew what i was getting into before we got married, yet it's gotten so much worse, and wha'Tourette's Syndrome the point of getting married if each night i come home your frustrated, trying to ignore her endless screaming, your tired dont' want to spend time with me. He said i work likea dog and for what? He said you made me promises too that you didnt' keep and hurt me. so yea typical you hurt me, i hurt you and yes now we have total chaos amongst us.

    sad thing is somewhere along the line i think my feelings changed somewhat for him. not sure why. i have no clue what i'm going to do. i'm so into easy child's upcoming graduation now, she just found her dress, meeting at her school to make sure she graduates, still working with-her, working with difficult child and probably transitioning her back into the school building because she is driving me nuts and is pushing for it so badly i can't get her off of me. so we'll see. today i'm going to think positive fora change stop being negative i keep drawing negativity to me that way and go clean up our messy yard since spring has officially sprung now.

    funny thing is we were really in a good place upon marrying, had our issues prior to it, sought counseling got clear and on our wedding day were both really happy. that was just 8 short mos. ago this week. what's changed so drastically? i think part of it is he's needing of me bigtime. we got married and returned from a great fun honeymoon and two weeks later i was admitting difficult child into hospital approx. and than gone in a hotel in new jersey for two weeks, than onto next round of doctor's etc. maybe had that not happened things would of turned out differently i dont' know....

    love you guys by the way. youra great filler for a therapy session and FREE :)
     
  16. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    Glad to hear you both got some things aired out. Even people in very long-term marriages fall in and out of love with each other, which isn't the same as loving each other, as they can still love without being "in love" the entire marriage. Know what I mean??
     
  17. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Is it possible that you are one who is so entrenched in your kids' lives that you saw him as a "knight in shing armour"- problems but still someone there- who could & would allow that to continue while making your life easier and adding a relationship for you to the mix? I'm just asking- I don't know the answer.
     
  18. Jena

    Jena New Member

    anything's possible at this point. it's hard to have a marriage with-no trust and friendship. so much damage done ya know. how could it ever recover, tha'Tourette's Syndrome if either of us wants it to? Life's too short to be miserable. I've been one miserable woman the past 8 mos. sometimes i just sit back, close my eyes and think of our wedding day, mexico, our honeymoon that was really fun. How we returned home tan and smiling and happy. It was a nice period of time for us.

    All this the 5 kids, the crazy ex, his working thru a continued attachment for her, my difficult child who is an overwhelming daily challenge. She is a really amazing person, yet it's truly a daily struggle with her. shes' soo stubborn even having her adhere to therapy and this cbt is a struggle beyond compare. it just makes you feel hopeless after a while. easy child well tha'Tourette's Syndrome an entirely different story which is really nice. she responds well to medications, therapy all the interventions and it's great. you put the work in and you get the pay off. difficult child is just round and round we go. i often think i need to be alone in my life because she is just so overwhelming for me to handle and have time for another adult in my world. it was much easier with her emotionally when i was single.
     
  19. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    Jen, many many marriages are based on an initial feeling of being in love and convenience. It happens more thatn we'd liike to believe, in my humble opinion, but that isn't the same thing as really loving a person for who they are, again in my humble opinion. Maybe this was just a mistake for both of you. I don't know- Ialso think that "real" love of another human being is pretty rare and if everyone waited for that, we would only have a fraction of marriages out there.
     
  20. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Jen - I think it is our age. I just married 6 months ago. I could not believe how terrible I did with the transition. We did not live together before marriage. But, I really struggled with my loss of freedom, having someone there all day every day was.....different. I absolutely love it, but there was an adjustment period for sure.
    I am not sure I would have made the transition if I had difficult child things to deal with. Fortunately, for me that is not even a worry at this time. So, I could focus and think alot. It was necessary to work on it in my own head. It all came as such a surprise to me.
     
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