...and yet once again

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Irishkalleene, Jan 23, 2008.

  1. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Hey, again it's been awhile since last post. Last time was probably when B was moving back home to try tech college 3 yr ago now??? As I predicted he did not make it in school. Now has student debts he's not paying. Has had several stupid driving violations, but thru it all has continued working.

    I've put up with all his krap while I spent the past grueling 2 yrs. trying to make a successful job change and being unemployed twice. OK now I'm finally settled.

    His constant refrain is I don't have any money. When he brought home a car he said he paid $100 for, that needs to be totally repaired & refurbished, I again asked him if he had car insurance for regular car. No he doesn't. I then told him he had to be out by July 1. Obviously he is never going to get "IT".

    Can't stand his mess, his disrespect, his whole way of 'life'. He had his shot at school. It's time to get back out on his own. I even brought home boxes and hung a note on them saying they were for his move. I've reminded him that July 1 he's out.

    B Called me yesterday to say he had just gotten fired. Oh swell!!! As if he never has any money - don't know what he does with his pay checks, not paying loans, never has car insurance, has creditors after him......... and now there is no paycheck. I had figured that even if he didn't have the security deposit I would give him that just to get him out of here......... Now how is this going to go???

    He said yesterday he'll take a month off. This am I texted him telling him to follow the good advice he'd given me during one of my unemployed months - - get the job then take the week off.

    I want him out. I will be reminding him think I'll put a sign up - that July 1 the lock gets changed. But still - how the heck do I toss him out again (kicked him out at 17yr.)without the means $$$????? I refuse to deal with his messy-life forever. But, am concerned. Was also concerned bout getting him out under regular circumstances -if he'd freak and break anything. Don't think I can stand to have any more of this fun! I don't seem to have the backbone I did when he was younger.

    Thanks for listening.....................
  2. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    It is a hard one. I'm more or less in the same boat. I've told my daughter she has until the end of August. The difference between the two of us is I mean it. I'm tired of the mess, the disrespect, all of it. If she doesn't have the funds at the end of August, I'm going to have to be strong and stick with the threat. I know that if I don't, my word will be meaningless and things will continue the way they are. Honestly, I'm getting too old and tired to continue living this way. Something tells me you are, too.

    You've given him time to save the money. It is his choice. You've given him chances to learn, have a future. He's chosen to squander all of that. So, you're right, it is time for him to be the man I'm sure he professes to be. It's not going to be easy but how easy will it be to have him living with you when he's 25? 30? 35? Yes, even 40! Those are our choices -- give them the chance to grow and, if they don't, force them to grow on their own. My gut feeling is my little weed will do okay this go-round. She will survive. Yours probably will, too.
  3. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Sending support & hugs. I think your life is my future if I don't watch it, and I'm shaking in my boots!

    Right now you're tired and still recuperating from your own stuff. You will garner the strength you need to kick him out when the time is right. You're still strong underneath all the weariness. You know you are. If you've done it before you can do it again.

    That's not to say it isn't horrible and something you don't want to do and it's also not to say that it will be easy at all. But what's the alternative, right?

    Sending hugs and support~Hang in there.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    There is always low income housing and other services to help him get a JOB. Send him there. My sister in law got a very nice townhouse when she was thinking of leaving my bro. She kept it even after they "reconciled" and now has gotten help from the city to buy a house. If she can do it, he can do it. He can get to DHS, or wherever and ask for help.

    and there ARE shelters for the homeless.

    He is an adult, it is NOT your job to tend to him, esp if he is not going to get his act together and be a productive adult.


  5. Irishkalleene

    Irishkalleene riding the roller coaster

    Thanks for responding. I too am ready for him to be out. I agree about his squandering the money he should be saving to get out. I figure he needs the July 1 deadline to help keep him motivated to get a job.

    The interesting part has been to watch him these past 3 yr. He still reverts to his teenage style of manipulation when something happens. I'm so glad I know those tricks. Icky to watch a 22 yr old doing those teenage things. I would have at least hoped he would have learned a few new tricks?????

    I really need to keep reading the posts here to prepare myself for the July battle
    ..... or as I say to my friends
    .......... July 1 my Independence Day.
  6. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    If he doesn't have any money he can probably go stay in a local homeless shelter, that is what my dtr did when I kicked her out. I sure wouldn't be giving him so much time though--he will just squander it, he has the whole winter and spring to do nothing.
  7. Mechdonna2

    Mechdonna2 Mechdonna2

    I am so glad that I found this website. My husband has been working long hours lately. I only feel content when I am with him. I have been to the counselor one time so far, but I will be going weekly.

    It is such a sad story. I know many of you are suffering, also. Sometimes your problems are far worse than mine. My problems started around 22 years ago. You would think that I would be used to the pain by now. It has been a roller coaster ride.

    My son is now 35 years old. He began using at the age of 15. At one point he committed a crime while under the influence of drugs and alcohol. He was in juvenile prison for six and 1/2 years. I was living in FL when he left prison. He transitioned to a work center in FL near my home. I took him in for a few weeks. Soon he was working. He began drinking and gambling. At the time I thought that he was only drinking and gambling. Although that is bad enough, I knew nothing about drugs.

    I remarried and moved to VA around nine years ago. He stayed in FL.. Six years ago he lost his job, home, and many of his possessions. He is now in bad health. His behavior is very strange. He is not the same person that I knew in FL. He has not kept in touch since I left FL. He would not return phone calls. He did come to his grandfather's funeral. His girlfriend acted as if she was on drugs.

    Last Oct. he called and said that his girlfriend had left him. He was in an apt., but the utilities would soon be cut off.

    To make the long story short, he put his remaining things in storage. He and his girlfriend joined me and my husband in VA. He has been here nearly two weeks. She has been looking for a job. They driver her car with no insurance and expired FL tags. They leave for many hours every day. She is drawing unemployment compensation and he gets food stamps. He has been to two doctors. He says he is applying for disability, so he cannot work. He says his health is too bad. I had them sign a contract that they will both leave by April 7, if they do not have jobs. I asked him to get counseling. He said that he would go, if I would go. He left yesterday at 11:00 a.m. and I have not seen them since. Her parents say they use spice and bath salts. I am afraid my husband and I am in danger.
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Hi there. I also have a 35 year old son and, while his issues are not as severe as your sons, I am getting fed up with him going into middle age and still wanting mommy to fix it. I can tell you that if he wanted to move back home f or any reason, the answer from me would be "no." He isn't 22, he's 35. in my opinion you need to kick them out while they abuse their dangerous lifestyle in your home. They can stay at a homeless shelter or somewhere else...drug users are good at finding places to sleep. It's not a stable life, but YOU deserve a stable life in spite of your child's poor choices and unwillingness to grow up.
    If he gets disability, he can probably apply for Section 8 housing. I am not sure you can stay in Section 8 if you are caught using drugs, but at his age IT IS HIS PROBLEM. in my opinion both are beyond counseling. If they go to counseling, that's good, but they can do that even if they don't live with you and they need more than counseling. When they are gone from your house, my g uess is they are doing drugs, maybe using and selling (when my daughter stopped her destructive drug use, she told me the story of druggies...if you USE you SELL. Period).
    Do not give up the rest of your life to this middle aged man who never grew up. Yes, he's your son. Yes, you l ove him and wish things were different (I wish my son would grow up too). But you can't make him do it. That's on his shoulders and he doesn't seem all that willing.
    Gentle hugs and good luck. Remember...YOU have a life too.
  9. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    My son is 35yo and refuses to grow up and take responsibility for his life too. I am positive my son has undiagnosed mental issues. He has gotton much worse, in my opinion, starting when he met the last girlie (she is 38). Not entirely her fault, but they are a super bad match. She gts disabilty too and wants to party constantly, I'm sure there are plenty of drugs. They stopped by on one of their numerous trips to see a concert and I had to give them money to get back home.

    I have met her one time in the 2 years and she seemed to think I was going to send them money each month. They fight and she wants to call me to draw me into the drama. He cuts himself and threatens suicide. I did call the police and they called me back - he says he is not suicidal and is not homeless.

    Thier last fight she came after him with a knife, she was sent to detox and he Baker Acted himself. Even after I knew of their conn where I was sending him money, I still paid for him to relocate and find help and a new job.

    He is lying to me, but , I know they are back together. Just before Thanksgiving he text me again asking for money, I refused and he threathened suicide and a lot of other nasty things.

    This was the final straw! He has dropped off the 'face of the earth' and I have not heard from him since November. IT HAS BEEN SO PEACEFUL!

    I have finally learned to turn it over to my HP and have a life! I know he one day may actually kill himself and my worries will not do anything to prevent it. I gave him numbers of locations for help and he said he would go but never showed up. Thank goodness he lives in another state and there is no way he is moving in or no way I will give him money.

    With this type of child you have to change your mind set to self preservation, regardless how mean it sounds. My son also started at a very early age and until they want to get a better life we can not make them. Girlie was telling me how bad of a mother I was for having things and my son has nothing, and not sending money. Who's fault is that, I guess mine as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) as they are concerned. Get over the guilt and make them responsbvile for their own problems - they are certainly old enough!

    (((huggs only a parent walking in your shoes can understand how hard it is)))
  10. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    Welcome back Irish, as you can see you have many who can sympathize with your siuation. I hope you find the strength and support you need here. -RM