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Substance Abuse
Anger versus hurt
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 560922"><p>Great post AG. My experience is that in many ways Mad is better than Sad. When I am angry it spurs me to action.... spurs me to not enable my difficult child, spurs me to take care of myself, spurs me to move on with my life. When I am feeling sad or hurt I often feel kind of immobilized. It is harder for me to pull myself up when I am feeling so much hurt... and so I am learning to not dwell on the sadness or hurt. I do feel it but I cant stay in that spot for long or it ruins my whole day.</p><p></p><p>I have gotten to a place where I am not angry right now either. Of course my difficult child is not lashing out at me right now he is just not communicating much.</p><p></p><p>But the focus has to come back on what feels right to you? I now look at the few things I do for my son (like recently getting him a backpack for his birthday) as to how I feel about it. If it makes me feel good, if it gives me some comfort then I do it.... if it doesnt then I don't.</p><p></p><p>The other thing I have come to is that I always want to leave the door open, even if it is only a crack. So when my son has been nasty or whatever I may not respond in the moment, but I dont get rigid about it. I will wait a few days and then maybe reach out.</p><p></p><p>I think on FB he is doing a poor me thing to his friends, and he is going to delete posts by you that point out to his friends he is not really as bad off as he is making it sound. I think that is less about rejecting you and more about putting out this image to his friends. Why they do that I have no idea but my difficult child has done the same sort of thing. In general I think you are better off private messaging him on FB than putting something on his wall. That way you can say something to him privately that the whole world wont see. It is hard to deal with their anger but that may be part of his process.... I think it is important (and sometimes feels impossible) not to take their anger personally.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 560922"] Great post AG. My experience is that in many ways Mad is better than Sad. When I am angry it spurs me to action.... spurs me to not enable my difficult child, spurs me to take care of myself, spurs me to move on with my life. When I am feeling sad or hurt I often feel kind of immobilized. It is harder for me to pull myself up when I am feeling so much hurt... and so I am learning to not dwell on the sadness or hurt. I do feel it but I cant stay in that spot for long or it ruins my whole day. I have gotten to a place where I am not angry right now either. Of course my difficult child is not lashing out at me right now he is just not communicating much. But the focus has to come back on what feels right to you? I now look at the few things I do for my son (like recently getting him a backpack for his birthday) as to how I feel about it. If it makes me feel good, if it gives me some comfort then I do it.... if it doesnt then I don't. The other thing I have come to is that I always want to leave the door open, even if it is only a crack. So when my son has been nasty or whatever I may not respond in the moment, but I dont get rigid about it. I will wait a few days and then maybe reach out. I think on FB he is doing a poor me thing to his friends, and he is going to delete posts by you that point out to his friends he is not really as bad off as he is making it sound. I think that is less about rejecting you and more about putting out this image to his friends. Why they do that I have no idea but my difficult child has done the same sort of thing. In general I think you are better off private messaging him on FB than putting something on his wall. That way you can say something to him privately that the whole world wont see. It is hard to deal with their anger but that may be part of his process.... I think it is important (and sometimes feels impossible) not to take their anger personally. TL [/QUOTE]
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