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Anger versus hurt
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<blockquote data-quote="toughlovin" data-source="post: 561346"><p>Hey Sig, this is all a process. I have absolutely no doubt that on the outside you are loving, appropriate and supportive of your difficult child!! I have always gotten that from your posts. I really was referring to the inside stuff.. that feeling of rejection, that lack of peace, that feeling you will never feel at peace while your difficult child is not doing well and is not safe.</p><p></p><p>Believe me I have been exactly in the place you are talking about. I guess though that our situations are a little different. I have been going through this since my difficult child was 14 and he is now 21. My difficult child has always been a difficult child. So I have had a lot more time to go through this process. I always felt happier and better when my son was in treatment and I knew he was safe and he has had a lot of treatment... and has left a lot of treatment.</p><p></p><p>Luckily I found a wonderful parents alanon support group that has helped me a lot in the last couple of years. One thing I have realized is that my son may never recover, he may never be safe.... and really I cannot wait any longer to live my life and to be happy myself and to find some peace..... because if I just keep waiting for him to get better to feel peace, I may never feel peace and may never feel happiness! That is the hard reality I am living with.</p><p></p><p>All of this has gotten me to a different place. Believe me I still worry about him, I still check FB multiple times a day to see if there is any message from him to me or to anyone. I find it hard not even knowing for sure he is alive... and when I see a message it helps me feel better. Right now I am in that tough spot of seeing nothing for days and I dont know where he is, what he is doing or if he is even alive. I have to work not to let my imagination run away with me and take me down a very dark alley of despair.</p><p></p><p>BUT I have realized that the kid has now been on the streets for 2 and a half months... he has learned how to survive with no help from us (except for the backpack). He knows we love him and he is choosing not to get help or get into recovery. That is his choice and I can do nothing about it. I have done absolutely everything i can at this point and it really is up to him. He knows we love him and he knows he can call us. I am not angry anymore although at times i shake my head at his stupidity... and I dont understand why he does the things he does or makes the choices he makes.</p><p>It really just is what it is.</p><p></p><p>And through all this I am letting go. As I said somewhere else I have no idea what the outcome will be. I sure hope it is a good one but I am no longer fantasizing about it one way or the other.</p><p></p><p>It wasnt all that long ago that I felt I could be ok but I could not be happy as long as he was in trouble. Now I am finding happieness and some peace... not total peace I will admit. But I am enjoying my life again, I am enjoying this time with my easy child, I am enjoying time with friends and with husband.... i once again feel that skip in my step and feel joy.</p><p>I feel all these things even though my son is across the country, homeless and panhandling and using who knows what kinds of drugs. I no longer take his actions personally.... they are not a reflection of me or even how he feels about me. They are because of his own demons which I did not cause... and he is the one who has to find his way out.</p><p></p><p>TL</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="toughlovin, post: 561346"] Hey Sig, this is all a process. I have absolutely no doubt that on the outside you are loving, appropriate and supportive of your difficult child!! I have always gotten that from your posts. I really was referring to the inside stuff.. that feeling of rejection, that lack of peace, that feeling you will never feel at peace while your difficult child is not doing well and is not safe. Believe me I have been exactly in the place you are talking about. I guess though that our situations are a little different. I have been going through this since my difficult child was 14 and he is now 21. My difficult child has always been a difficult child. So I have had a lot more time to go through this process. I always felt happier and better when my son was in treatment and I knew he was safe and he has had a lot of treatment... and has left a lot of treatment. Luckily I found a wonderful parents alanon support group that has helped me a lot in the last couple of years. One thing I have realized is that my son may never recover, he may never be safe.... and really I cannot wait any longer to live my life and to be happy myself and to find some peace..... because if I just keep waiting for him to get better to feel peace, I may never feel peace and may never feel happiness! That is the hard reality I am living with. All of this has gotten me to a different place. Believe me I still worry about him, I still check FB multiple times a day to see if there is any message from him to me or to anyone. I find it hard not even knowing for sure he is alive... and when I see a message it helps me feel better. Right now I am in that tough spot of seeing nothing for days and I dont know where he is, what he is doing or if he is even alive. I have to work not to let my imagination run away with me and take me down a very dark alley of despair. BUT I have realized that the kid has now been on the streets for 2 and a half months... he has learned how to survive with no help from us (except for the backpack). He knows we love him and he is choosing not to get help or get into recovery. That is his choice and I can do nothing about it. I have done absolutely everything i can at this point and it really is up to him. He knows we love him and he knows he can call us. I am not angry anymore although at times i shake my head at his stupidity... and I dont understand why he does the things he does or makes the choices he makes. It really just is what it is. And through all this I am letting go. As I said somewhere else I have no idea what the outcome will be. I sure hope it is a good one but I am no longer fantasizing about it one way or the other. It wasnt all that long ago that I felt I could be ok but I could not be happy as long as he was in trouble. Now I am finding happieness and some peace... not total peace I will admit. But I am enjoying my life again, I am enjoying this time with my easy child, I am enjoying time with friends and with husband.... i once again feel that skip in my step and feel joy. I feel all these things even though my son is across the country, homeless and panhandling and using who knows what kinds of drugs. I no longer take his actions personally.... they are not a reflection of me or even how he feels about me. They are because of his own demons which I did not cause... and he is the one who has to find his way out. TL [/QUOTE]
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