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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 596061" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>I don't think it's detachment, I think it goes beyond that, at least for me it does.......I grew up in a family of mentally ill people all around me, I was the odd man out. I raised 2 girls with "issues" beyond my comprehension.........my son in law committed suicide...............I've been surrounded by those society casts out, judges, puts into boxes and forgets..........however, in other cultures when someone is doing cartwheels in their front yard, the neighbors say he is having a spiritual experience........... in other other cultures mental illness as we perceive it doesn't exist, it is accepted in the tribe or culture and those folks are considered special, possessed by spirits, unique, not judged. Believe me, I've had to look at this from a lot of different perspectives in order to feel sane and healthy.</p><p></p><p>So, it is what it is, they are who they are..........in our culture they are wrong, bad, scary, different, whatever, but not accepted. I've had to learn acceptance, not only detachment, I see detachment as a step into acceptance. Your daughter, like mine, is doing the best she can in a world which will judge her harshly and condemn her quickly. I feel all those feelings you do too, I've had to go through a thousand different experiences in order to come to the conclusion that my difficult child is really doing the best she can..........she lives in a world where her freedom is of utmost importance and she cannot have any limits on that..........certainly that has impacted my life immensely, and I could rail against that forever.............but I don't want to, I want to accept it and be neutral, learn what I can about boundaries so I keep myself safe and healthy and my granddaughter okay.......but I don't want to stay stuck in my own judgments and rightness.........that ends up hurting me and making me feel bad.............my journey is more about how I can be peaceful and feel joy, in spite of my daughter's lifestyle choices. She is doing her life the way she needs to, I need to do the same.</p><p></p><p>I love my daughter, I want her to be happy, but perhaps my perception of happy is not hers. I think everyone wants to feel acceptance, no matter who they are or what they've done........it's difficult to accept what you don't understand or what you can't change or fix or what you perceive as wrong or unsafe or unhealthy..........but, regardless of all of that, and I do feel all of that, I want to be able to accept my difficult child, with all her behaviors and choices which I may deem wrong or selfish or ridiculous or whatever.........so that is what I work on every day. I'm not saying this is the right way, or that I am doing the right thing, this is just what I believe is right for me, everyone has different circumstances and has to come to their own solutions. This is the one that brings me peace of mind, my ultimate goal.</p><p></p><p>To separate myself from my family, from all of those who mean so much to me, learn to accept them and let go of trying to fix them or save them has been the work of my life, one by one I've had to let them all go into their own life as I have slowly learned to let myself go into my own life too. </p><p></p><p>You don't need to carry your daughter, I don't think she would want that either. I imagine she would want you to be happy, to feel good about your own life, I imagine she could then let go of the guilt of having you so unhappy about her choices. I think that about my daughter too, what a weight it must be to carry my expectations of her.............not to say you have to succumb to enabling her, over giving to her, allowing her to manipulate you, or using you for money, NO to all of that. You take care of you first. That's what I am attempting to do every day. I think that's where freedom lies. She is an entity all by herself, so are you, so am I, so is my daughter, that separation is necessary for all of us to heal and grow.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 596061, member: 13542"] I don't think it's detachment, I think it goes beyond that, at least for me it does.......I grew up in a family of mentally ill people all around me, I was the odd man out. I raised 2 girls with "issues" beyond my comprehension.........my son in law committed suicide...............I've been surrounded by those society casts out, judges, puts into boxes and forgets..........however, in other cultures when someone is doing cartwheels in their front yard, the neighbors say he is having a spiritual experience........... in other other cultures mental illness as we perceive it doesn't exist, it is accepted in the tribe or culture and those folks are considered special, possessed by spirits, unique, not judged. Believe me, I've had to look at this from a lot of different perspectives in order to feel sane and healthy. So, it is what it is, they are who they are..........in our culture they are wrong, bad, scary, different, whatever, but not accepted. I've had to learn acceptance, not only detachment, I see detachment as a step into acceptance. Your daughter, like mine, is doing the best she can in a world which will judge her harshly and condemn her quickly. I feel all those feelings you do too, I've had to go through a thousand different experiences in order to come to the conclusion that my difficult child is really doing the best she can..........she lives in a world where her freedom is of utmost importance and she cannot have any limits on that..........certainly that has impacted my life immensely, and I could rail against that forever.............but I don't want to, I want to accept it and be neutral, learn what I can about boundaries so I keep myself safe and healthy and my granddaughter okay.......but I don't want to stay stuck in my own judgments and rightness.........that ends up hurting me and making me feel bad.............my journey is more about how I can be peaceful and feel joy, in spite of my daughter's lifestyle choices. She is doing her life the way she needs to, I need to do the same. I love my daughter, I want her to be happy, but perhaps my perception of happy is not hers. I think everyone wants to feel acceptance, no matter who they are or what they've done........it's difficult to accept what you don't understand or what you can't change or fix or what you perceive as wrong or unsafe or unhealthy..........but, regardless of all of that, and I do feel all of that, I want to be able to accept my difficult child, with all her behaviors and choices which I may deem wrong or selfish or ridiculous or whatever.........so that is what I work on every day. I'm not saying this is the right way, or that I am doing the right thing, this is just what I believe is right for me, everyone has different circumstances and has to come to their own solutions. This is the one that brings me peace of mind, my ultimate goal. To separate myself from my family, from all of those who mean so much to me, learn to accept them and let go of trying to fix them or save them has been the work of my life, one by one I've had to let them all go into their own life as I have slowly learned to let myself go into my own life too. You don't need to carry your daughter, I don't think she would want that either. I imagine she would want you to be happy, to feel good about your own life, I imagine she could then let go of the guilt of having you so unhappy about her choices. I think that about my daughter too, what a weight it must be to carry my expectations of her.............not to say you have to succumb to enabling her, over giving to her, allowing her to manipulate you, or using you for money, NO to all of that. You take care of you first. That's what I am attempting to do every day. I think that's where freedom lies. She is an entity all by herself, so are you, so am I, so is my daughter, that separation is necessary for all of us to heal and grow. [/QUOTE]
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