Angry negative 19 year old son

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SaddestParent, Oct 5, 2013.

  1. SaddestParent

    SaddestParent New Member

    Hi, I am at my wits end. I have a beautiful 27 year old daughter who is happy, about to have a baby and I can't be happy because I also have a 19 year old son who is so angry and negative about life that I spend all my time worrying about him. He just got accepted into the police academy which was his dream since hew as 8. But instead of realising how lucky he is, he only finds negative things about his life. He does have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and he stresses about his health. He is convinced something is wrong with his health even though he has been to so many doctors and nothing has been found. His current worry is that is sometimes feels dizzy. It says it is ruining his life. I have spoken to a psychiatrist about this and he said it is his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). He never says a positive thing about his days. He only tells me the negative parts and I'm scared stiff that he will hurt himself. He won't see a counseller as he says there's nothing wrong mentally but physically. I cry everyday after he calls me . I don't know what to do.
  2. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hi Saddest,

    I will make one suggestion off the bat. We have a forum called "Parent Emeritus" which focuses on our kids over 18. They are a wise group of parents who understand the challenges of supporting and worrying about our "legal age" children. You might want to copy and paste your thread over there as well.

    First and foremast though, welcome to the board. Weekends, especially Sundays, tend to be a little quiet around here!

    Sadly, if your son is 19 your hands are pretty much tied. Only he can help himself at this stage. You say he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). Has a psychiatrist ever actually spent time with him and made that diagnosis or is this based on you just talking "outside of school" with a doctor? I would seriously think that the police academy would be a good place for him to get some help. They are not going to tolerate a lot of sick time and the cadets will have to go through some psychiatric testing. This might be the very thing that helps him.

    Again, I welcome you to the board!

  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I agree with going to Parent Emeritus and with everything LittleDudesMom has said. Worrying about your son won't help him and will keep you from enjoying your daughter and grandchild (congrats!) :) Many of us have difficult adult children, but we can no longer help them. PE is a great forum. I highly recommend it.

    Sounds like he has hypochondria-sis. I suffered from this. Medication all but took it away, but he has to be willing to set up an appointment. with a psychiatrist (not a counselor) and go on his own. You can't force him to go at his age. And you can't make him happy. Only he can do that.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2013
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I had severe health anxiety for a very long time. It was debilitating. I can't begin to tell you how awful it made my life!! Google "health anxiety". I belonged to support groups for it for quite a while.

    What helped me the most was medication. I take Prozac daily. Sometimes the thoughts start creeping back, but I am able to push them away a lot easier.

    Congratulations on your coming grandchild. My grandson is a month old - best thing that happened for our family... :)
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    SaddestParent, welcome. I am sorry you are struggling with your son.

    I would also suggest you put your post on Parent Emerius, that is the forum for adult age kids who we struggle with.

    There is an article at the bottom of my post here on detachment, you may find it helpful.

    As the others have mentioned, with adult kids, there is little we can do to force them to do what we want them to or what may in fact be in their best interests. It is up to them. Letting go of that perceived control is a very difficult concept for us parents to really understand.........we worry, fret, suffer enormous anxiety, guilt, fear and sorrow trying to control our kid's choices, emotions, futures and almost every facet of their lives. We can't do it. Your son is an adult. It would be wonderful if he sought help for his anxiety, but he isn't. There isn't much you can do about it.

    This situation is robbing you of your own life, your own joy, your own sense of peace. You DO have control over that. Your daughter and the new baby deserve your presence and your worry over your son prohibits that. You have complete control over your responses to your son's choices. Although it certainly feels as if we couldn't possibly be happy as long as our kids are acting out and unhappy, that is not the truth, we can be happy, it is a choice we make. However, where our kids are concerned, that choice becomes very hard indeed. Often, the only way we can begin the process of detachment and acceptance is to get professional help. For me, that meant A LOT of professional help as I was quite tied in to my daughter's choices and enabling her.

    Since your son does have issues, you may find support in NAMI which is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. You can access them online, they have chapters everywhere and they offer excellent classes and support for parents.

    Whatever the source of the support you receive, in my opinion, to get you out of this cycle, you will need some form of outside, professional help to regain your life. You deserve to be happy and have a peaceful life which is not negatively impacted by every choice or feeling your son has or doesn't have. He is an adult male about to enter the police academy. Whatever happens now is a result of his behavior or choice. You can't control that, or fix it. He is the captain of his ship now, not you.

    Keep posting it helps. Focus on YOU now. Get yourself support. Be kind to yourself, this is hard. I wish you peace and calm seas as you move ahead..........