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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 355611" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Janna, welcome. For your best benefit, you will do better if you begin your own thread introducing yourself and the issue concerning you at the moment. otherwise your problems risk being swamped in people's focus on the presenting problem for this specific thread. However, read all you can and post where you have support or advice - it is how it all works here.</p><p></p><p>Back to lekami - Janna57 actually has some good thoughts here. I was thinking along similar lines. So Janna, hitch along to my response, it probably has relevance to you too.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Not good. He will pick up on this and if he is in power and not you, then you as parent are always on the back foot. Very bad for him.</p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Also not good. It teaches him that hitting is a way to control and is acceptable.</p><p></p><p>A child who is better at school and with others - again, this is familiar. Our problem kids who have even partial control over their behaviour, will hold it together more desperately for people they feel less sure of. In the same way that kids tend to behave better at a friend's house or when friends are visiting...</p><p></p><p>Janna57, you raised the possibility of autism in your grandson. I must admit, I do think it needs to be considered here in your son's case, lekami. Or ADHD, at the very least. These kids are desperately trying to be good. But they will behave worst for the people who they feel safest with. They know you love them unconditionally and so when they just can't hold it any more, it is with you that it lets go.</p><p></p><p>Other things to consider - the need for the child to feel in control. The world can be a confusing, contradictory place and the child often feels that if only he can make everyone and everything follow the rules as he understands them to be, everything will behave as it should. Part of a young child's rules are - </p><p>I have to ask nicely if I want something. And they have to give it to me."</p><p>Especially in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (that is the umbrella term that covers autism, among other things) you will find the child's behaviour and reactions a mirror to your own. IN this way I used to find easy child 2/difficult child 2 responding to my serving her water (because she'd already had her daily allowance of fruit juice) standing there with her hands on her hips and saying to me, "I said I wanted JUICE! Don't you ever listen?" She was 3 at the time.</p><p></p><p>It really takes a neuropsychologist to thoroughly assess this and along the way, other possible conditions can get identified and dealt with as best as possible. There is no cure but an early diagnosis can help you find ways to cope and to provide what appropriate support is needed.</p><p></p><p></p><p>But YOU as the parent need to do most of it. Doctors can only do so much. There is no magic bullet. No magic treatment. The child, and you, are the most important parts of the picture to help. If this is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), you can find the child is the one most determined to do well, but always let down by the disability getting in the way. They need an advocate to help them get around the obstacles until they themselves have learned to be more adaptable.</p><p></p><p>So what do you do? </p><p></p><p>1) Make an appointment with a neuropsychologist. Get the GP to refer you.</p><p></p><p>2) Find out as much as you can. This can help with giving detailed information to the doctor as well as provide a running history. A good start is to go to <a href="http://www.childbrain.com" target="_blank">www.childbrain.com</a> and look for their online unofficial Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. You can't use this to officially diagnose, but it can give you a strong indication. Print it out whatever the score, and take the printout to the doctor. If you're unsure how to answer the questions, or concerned you're perhaps being too generous or too harsh, click on each question for a more specific guide to answer accurately.</p><p></p><p>3) Keep a good diary of the events. You will value this in years to come. It also helps to make notes of the good stuff, to help you keep in perspective. In this way you can remember such gems as we have with difficult child 3 - at age 8 he said to us, "I'm getting really good at pretending to be normal."</p><p></p><p>4) You can do this in conjunction with school etc - keep a daily written communication habit going on. I used to have what we called a "Communication Book" travelling to and fro in difficult child 3's schoolbag. I would write in it anything possibly relevant, such as "He was very difficult this morning, hard to get moving." The teacher might write, "He was fine when he arrived, behaved well in the first session but had a chip on his shoulder wen he came in from recess."</p><p></p><p>5) This is very important - get your hands on "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It can really help you see the child and his issues in a different light. If you want a preview of the book, there is a Sticky on this page on how to adapt the book to younger children. Also already suggested are Love and Logic. Get reading - it really helps.</p><p></p><p>Janna57, parents always worry about being blamed - and rightly so. Not because we ARE to blame necessarily, but we do get blamed. It is too easy to point the finger first, instead of knuckling down and trying to help. Janna57, if your daughter abused opiates while pregnant or not - I doubt it is related. Babies in utero are very resilient. Opiates of all drugs are among the least damaging, in terms of organ damage. If she took so much that she was in a coma and suffered oxygen deficit, the baby's hemoglobin is still designed differently in order to carry oxygen much more efficiently than the mother's and even then he would not have suffered problem if his mother did not.</p><p>I took strong opiates during my pregnancy with difficult child 3. It was prescribed (I'm on stronger doses now) and I did try to cut back as much as I could. But I took no opiates when pregnant with difficult child 1 and he also has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Same with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - I took no opiates while pregnant.</p><p></p><p>If methadone (or heroin) caused autism, I think we'd have heard. I certainly would have, considering I have been on morphine for most of difficult child 3's life.</p><p></p><p>I can understand her concern. There is also the concern that doctors will be instantly dismissive of any concerns expressed by someone who is a recovering addict. This is wrong, but natural. However, a good mother will put concern for her own reputation and what people think of her, to one side if it means her child can get help.</p><p></p><p>Janna, get your daughter to lurk here or join. She will find sympathy and understanding here. Nobody will judge her for her past.</p><p></p><p>Lekami, it is possible for a kid with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) to seem perfectly OK for a long time. It is especially if you as a mother are highly in tune to your baby and almost instinctively meet his every need. Such kids do well in their own routine for longer, because you ARE doing so many things right. It is when the daily pressures increase past a point of tolerance, that you begin to see problem behaviours.</p><p></p><p>What affects their tolerance? Expectations of others can sometimes be too high (for them - they could be normal expectations). Or something in their environment is inconsistent or stressful. Or they could be getting bullied. We found problems with difficult child 3 when it came to school writing tasks. Now he as a highly capable child with his reading, but his hands hurt when he tried to control a pencil and so he began to really avoid assigned writing/drawing tasks. Most kids love drawing class. difficult child 3 hated it, would refuse and become a real problem. Now we know other things we could have done but it is too late for most of them. difficult child 3 has qualified for school use of a computer to do his writing tasks and this gets us through.</p><p></p><p>Welcome.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 355611, member: 1991"] Janna, welcome. For your best benefit, you will do better if you begin your own thread introducing yourself and the issue concerning you at the moment. otherwise your problems risk being swamped in people's focus on the presenting problem for this specific thread. However, read all you can and post where you have support or advice - it is how it all works here. Back to lekami - Janna57 actually has some good thoughts here. I was thinking along similar lines. So Janna, hitch along to my response, it probably has relevance to you too. Not good. He will pick up on this and if he is in power and not you, then you as parent are always on the back foot. Very bad for him. Also not good. It teaches him that hitting is a way to control and is acceptable. A child who is better at school and with others - again, this is familiar. Our problem kids who have even partial control over their behaviour, will hold it together more desperately for people they feel less sure of. In the same way that kids tend to behave better at a friend's house or when friends are visiting... Janna57, you raised the possibility of autism in your grandson. I must admit, I do think it needs to be considered here in your son's case, lekami. Or ADHD, at the very least. These kids are desperately trying to be good. But they will behave worst for the people who they feel safest with. They know you love them unconditionally and so when they just can't hold it any more, it is with you that it lets go. Other things to consider - the need for the child to feel in control. The world can be a confusing, contradictory place and the child often feels that if only he can make everyone and everything follow the rules as he understands them to be, everything will behave as it should. Part of a young child's rules are - I have to ask nicely if I want something. And they have to give it to me." Especially in Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) kids (that is the umbrella term that covers autism, among other things) you will find the child's behaviour and reactions a mirror to your own. IN this way I used to find easy child 2/difficult child 2 responding to my serving her water (because she'd already had her daily allowance of fruit juice) standing there with her hands on her hips and saying to me, "I said I wanted JUICE! Don't you ever listen?" She was 3 at the time. It really takes a neuropsychologist to thoroughly assess this and along the way, other possible conditions can get identified and dealt with as best as possible. There is no cure but an early diagnosis can help you find ways to cope and to provide what appropriate support is needed. But YOU as the parent need to do most of it. Doctors can only do so much. There is no magic bullet. No magic treatment. The child, and you, are the most important parts of the picture to help. If this is Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD), you can find the child is the one most determined to do well, but always let down by the disability getting in the way. They need an advocate to help them get around the obstacles until they themselves have learned to be more adaptable. So what do you do? 1) Make an appointment with a neuropsychologist. Get the GP to refer you. 2) Find out as much as you can. This can help with giving detailed information to the doctor as well as provide a running history. A good start is to go to [url]www.childbrain.com[/url] and look for their online unofficial Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) questionnaire. You can't use this to officially diagnose, but it can give you a strong indication. Print it out whatever the score, and take the printout to the doctor. If you're unsure how to answer the questions, or concerned you're perhaps being too generous or too harsh, click on each question for a more specific guide to answer accurately. 3) Keep a good diary of the events. You will value this in years to come. It also helps to make notes of the good stuff, to help you keep in perspective. In this way you can remember such gems as we have with difficult child 3 - at age 8 he said to us, "I'm getting really good at pretending to be normal." 4) You can do this in conjunction with school etc - keep a daily written communication habit going on. I used to have what we called a "Communication Book" travelling to and fro in difficult child 3's schoolbag. I would write in it anything possibly relevant, such as "He was very difficult this morning, hard to get moving." The teacher might write, "He was fine when he arrived, behaved well in the first session but had a chip on his shoulder wen he came in from recess." 5) This is very important - get your hands on "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It can really help you see the child and his issues in a different light. If you want a preview of the book, there is a Sticky on this page on how to adapt the book to younger children. Also already suggested are Love and Logic. Get reading - it really helps. Janna57, parents always worry about being blamed - and rightly so. Not because we ARE to blame necessarily, but we do get blamed. It is too easy to point the finger first, instead of knuckling down and trying to help. Janna57, if your daughter abused opiates while pregnant or not - I doubt it is related. Babies in utero are very resilient. Opiates of all drugs are among the least damaging, in terms of organ damage. If she took so much that she was in a coma and suffered oxygen deficit, the baby's hemoglobin is still designed differently in order to carry oxygen much more efficiently than the mother's and even then he would not have suffered problem if his mother did not. I took strong opiates during my pregnancy with difficult child 3. It was prescribed (I'm on stronger doses now) and I did try to cut back as much as I could. But I took no opiates when pregnant with difficult child 1 and he also has Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). Same with easy child 2/difficult child 2 - I took no opiates while pregnant. If methadone (or heroin) caused autism, I think we'd have heard. I certainly would have, considering I have been on morphine for most of difficult child 3's life. I can understand her concern. There is also the concern that doctors will be instantly dismissive of any concerns expressed by someone who is a recovering addict. This is wrong, but natural. However, a good mother will put concern for her own reputation and what people think of her, to one side if it means her child can get help. Janna, get your daughter to lurk here or join. She will find sympathy and understanding here. Nobody will judge her for her past. Lekami, it is possible for a kid with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) to seem perfectly OK for a long time. It is especially if you as a mother are highly in tune to your baby and almost instinctively meet his every need. Such kids do well in their own routine for longer, because you ARE doing so many things right. It is when the daily pressures increase past a point of tolerance, that you begin to see problem behaviours. What affects their tolerance? Expectations of others can sometimes be too high (for them - they could be normal expectations). Or something in their environment is inconsistent or stressful. Or they could be getting bullied. We found problems with difficult child 3 when it came to school writing tasks. Now he as a highly capable child with his reading, but his hands hurt when he tried to control a pencil and so he began to really avoid assigned writing/drawing tasks. Most kids love drawing class. difficult child 3 hated it, would refuse and become a real problem. Now we know other things we could have done but it is too late for most of them. difficult child 3 has qualified for school use of a computer to do his writing tasks and this gets us through. Welcome. Marg [/QUOTE]
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