Angry with difficult child near her birthday

[Josie]

The one I call former difficult child is turning 12 tomorrow. I'm pretty sure she has been cheating on her diet and is acting like a difficult child today. I am very angry about this because I feel she made the choice to eat whatever it is and she knows it will make her like this.

I've been trying to get her to do more to help around the house. By this I mean I want her to unload the dishwasher and pick up after herself and fold some baskets of laundry. I've put a password on the computer so she can't get involved in that until she does the 15 minutes of chores I want her to do.

So today, as she sits there texting on her new cell phone, I tell her I am going to take the cell phone until she gets it done if she doesn't get started. She refuses to give it to me and goes in the bathroom, slamming the door. I'm not sure what she did in there but by the sound of it, some things might be broken. She's yelling that she hates me, she's staying in there until she dies, etc.

She's also being very mean to easy child/difficult child who is chronically ill with something, laying around all the time, not playing with friends, etc. I told her if she gets 3 warnings, she will not get to have her friend sleep over tonight for her birthday. I do not want to have a friend here if difficult child is going to be defiant and rude to me and easy child/difficult child. She's already had the 3 warnings, 2 for being mean to easy child/difficult child, and one for the bathroom incident.

I feel like just handing her her present tomorrow, making her cake, and going through the motions but avoiding her the rest of the time. This is mostly just a vent, I guess, but if anyone has any ideas about how to handle her birthday under these cirumstances, I would appreciate them.

 

[JJJ]

I'd cancel the sleepover. She doesn't deserve it.

 

[maniacmansion]

Maybe yoy could postpone the sleep-over to next weekend? I don't know if it will help, but with K it sometimes helps to be able to earn her sleepovers back. Good luck.

 

[klmno]

Cancel the sleepover- then, if there's time before sleepover time tomorrow, I'd give her a chance to earn it back for tomorrow by doing everything you've asked her (chores) by 2 hours (or whatever you deem appropriate) before they are supposed to arrive. I got this idea from psychiatrist when I was in a similar situation- it worked pretty well.

 

[meowbunny]

I think it's natural for people to cheat on diets unless it is truly deadly for them. I'm completely lactose intolerant -- hits the gut really badly and we won't discuss the migraines from drinking milk. Every so often the craving becomes intolerable and I'll literally chug a half-gallon of milk -- don't even bother with a glass. So, I would cut her a little slack about sneaking on the diet, so long as it is not constant. Once in awhile just has to be forgiven.

If her behavior is because she snuck food, maybe sitting and talking to her and using it is a learning experience (you eat X and Y happens) might be a good way to go. Then, let her earn her sleepover back either with chores and/or letters of apologies, whatever you deem appropriate.

 

[Star*]

She refuses to give it to me and goes in the bathroom, slamming the door. I'm not sure what she did in there but by the sound of it, some things might be broken. She's yelling that she hates me, she's staying in there until she dies, etc.

Uhhuh...I see....

Well I think you have 2 options regarding the bathroom -

Both I have tried
Both work - I promise

1.) REMOVE the bathroom door - remove her bedroom door. replace with sheet

2.) NAIL door shut with 16 penny nails and hammer. The sound alone freaked difficult child out so much the tone went from I HATE YOU I HATE YOU to UM..MOM? MOM WHAT ARE YOU? OMG ARE YOU NAILING THE DOOR SHUT MOMMmmm MOMMA..I'm sorry!" me: WELL YOU DON'T want to come out till you die - I'm just helping speed things up boy.

- The door had to be replaced anyway - difficult child had slammed it, kicked it - and while I waited eagerly for him to earn the money to replace it, DF Covered the holes with 3/4" Plywood and some type of smelly glue stuff. It was a joke, but difficult child couldn't kick through it and when I started hammering away - it changed the tone almost immediately - HE didn't know he only had to open the door once I let go of the handle - HE seriously thought he was locked in, sat on the tub, cried and then figured out 30 minutes later he just had to TURN the knob.

 

[Josie]

I know it is natural to cheat on this diet. A lot of adults on this diet cheat sometimes. It just makes me very angry when she does because then I have to deal with all of this behaviour again. It lasts for at least a couple of days. When she stays on her diet, she is like a easy child.

She kicked a hole in the wall.

She just came out and we talked. She spent about 4 hours in the bathroom. She seemed subdued about it all and willing to consider a diet problem. I think even she agrees there is a problem when you kick a hole in the wall. It is possible she had something by mistake at our relative's house over Christmas. They also follow our diet but are not as careful as we are.

I've cancelled tonight's sleepover. My in-laws are coming tomorrow for a few days so we can't reschedule for a while. We will not reschedule until she gets over this diet mistake.

 

[Wiped Out]

Ugh-don't you just love this age? Sounds a lot like my easy child that often acts like a difficult child! I'm sorry she is being such a pita so close to her birthday!

 

[klmno]

Ok, I just read your signature- could you elaborate on the diet? I haven't gotten into haow diet can effect moods this much, but I'm becoming more and more interested. Thanks- not that I want to sabatoge your thread- I'm just interested in a brief description.

 

[Josie]

You mean this could be just her age? I know the teen years are hard but I figured I had her straightened out with the diet and was used to her being a difficult child and it couldn't be any worse than that!

 

[Josie]

She used to be a difficult child all of the time until I discovered she had gluten and casein intolerances. We eliminated all gluten (wheat, rye, oats, barley) and casein (milk) from her diet and she is cooperative, cheerful, actually enjoyable. If she cheats, she is right back to the way she used to be.

We have to avoid all traces and it is possible there were traces at my mom's house. My mom is also gluten intolerant but does not worry about traces the way I do.

I also started the gluten free diet at the same time as difficult child and found that all of my irritability, fatigue, anxiety, and lots of other things I thought were normal went away. I am extremely strict with my diet because all of this comes back if I have any traces of it.

I had some suspicious signs of a problem after eating at my mom's house so that is why I am willing to consider that is what happened to my daughter.

All of this does not excuse the fact that she still needs to be able to do a few simple chores. When she has a job some day, she won't be able to act that way just because she ate the wrong thing.

 

[meowbunny]

Do remember she'll be older and better able to control herself better when she ready to truly work. And, yes, some of her behavior is very typical for her age. I hate to tell you this, but it's going to get a lot worse for awhile. Puberty really does stink.

 

[BusynMember]

I think that, as she gets older, she'll cheat more and more (which is why I never pursued diets). If she doesn't it will have to be her decision because in high school nobody can monitor her all the time. It takes a lot of self-restraint not to eat what peers do. My guess is this isn't the first time she's cheated. Unfortunately, even if it causes worse behavior, I don't know many people who can maintain on an unusual diet that cuts out tasty foods, even if it's in their best interests. Look at how many overweight people cheat on their diets, knowing that weight loss is good for health...I hope your daughter is not one who cheats on her diet, but again...I'd try to think of of other interventions to help her too. You may be fastidious at home and she may even know that certain foods trigger her behavior, but...good luck!

 

[Josie]

My plan for her as she gets older is that cheating, or even the suspicion of cheating, will result in more restrictions. If she can't go out with her friends and not cheat, she will not go out with them as much. Hopefully, she will be easy child enough that she doesn't just go out any way.

This diet has changed her behaviour but she really needs to be on it for health. She's not officially diagnosis'ed with celiac disease but it is in my family and I believe she would end up with it if she kept eating gluten. This means it would end up damaging her small intestine. She is diagnosis'ed by an MD with gluten intolerance. There are studies that show people with gluten intolerance end up with neurological problems and more autoimmune disease. Some people I've read about on the celiac board were close to being in wheelchairs until they gave up gluten. Some of them recover completely but some have apparently irreversible damage.

She admits she feels better on the diet. I expect she will cheat and she will have to come to her own conclusion but I don't see how I can, as her mother, say it is ok to cheat. I am coming down hard on her for cheating so that she will see that her life is miserable if she cheats. Hopefully, this will help her develop some self-restraint.

Honestly, I'm not sure medications would help her if she continues to eat those foods. She was on Lexapro before and still acting this way. They were looking at mood stabilizers or Seroquel. Maybe she would just be tranquilized enough to contain herself but that just doesn't seem to be the way to go to me when we know what the real problem is.

To help her stay on her diet, I make all kinds of girlfriend/CF treats and have her take it with her. I know it isn't the same as eating what every one else eats but her friends actually like what she has.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Different things will be tougher as she gets older, but 11-12 year old girls know EVERYTHING.

Look it up. They know it all.

I distinctly remember my mom saying to me "it must be nice to be 11 and know everything". I distinctly remember telling Copper "how did you get to know everything at the tender age of 12?"

It gets darker before dawn. Sorry love.