Annoyed

[tiredmommy]

I'm posting this here because it's more easy child/typical teen thing rather than difficult child related. There is absolutely I can personally nothing say or do about this but I did give advice to Duckie because she's so upset.

Duckie's bff has developed a habit of tearing her down, especially when they are in the same activity. I think Bff is an incredibly insecure girl that really has an over-the-top need to be the top girl. She's smart. pretty and talented but doesn't have a lot of follow-through. And she gets jealous of Duckie when she works very hard and Bff does not. It all started last spring when Duckie worked very hard preparing for an audition for a play, Bff did not. Duckie wowed the director and was cast with a supporting role while Bff wasn't cast. Then Bff swore up and down that she was going to Girl Scout camp, but never told her mom she wanted to go so she never showed. She got upset that Duckie is the 1st seat violist in orchestra and was even more angry when Duckie auditioned for for All-County Orchestra and made it while Bff forgot to turn in the paperwork. Bff gets good grades but Duckie does just a smidge better (mostly because we are religious about homework, projects and studies). She also gets threatened when Duckie hangs out

And they've been taking dance together since last year. Duckie re-started with tap after 3 years, Bff has been dancing every year since age three taking three or four classes a year. Duckie had to listen Bff tell her time and time again how behind she was, how she was holding the class back. That, I'm proud to say, just made Duckie work harder to catch up. This year, Duckie is taking tap, jazz and ballet. Bff takes these classes plus hip hop. Bff is constantly pointing out how inferior Duckie is at dancing. Sigh. They have a young teacher that keeps trying to separate them but then Bff is nice again so the cycle begins again.

Duckie was very upset last night after dance. A few of the girls behave horribly during dance, they are talkative and disruptive. They run around the building between classes and always get back late. Bff is one of them but Duckie is not (since I am there, I'm sure). They take tap then jazz on Friday. Duckie is very good at tap (especially being a second year, in my humble opinion). She works hard and practices at home.... and it shows. They start jazz with a lot of stretching. This is very good for Duckie because even though she has hyper-mobile joints her muscles in her legs, lower back and hips have always been very tight. She's shown a great deal of progress this year: she nearly has a right split and she can bring her right leg up behind her and touch the back of her head. This absolutely infuriated Bff because, frankly, Duckie has caught up and maybe even passed her when it comes to flexibility. Also, some of the girls got in trouble (Bff included) for running the halls and Bff was mad that Duckie was a goody-goody and didn't get in trouble. Well, duh, Duckie took a drink from her water bottle and changed shoes for jazz. She's not going to run and around and be disruptive when mom is out in the hall. I mean, she's a difficult child but she's not stupid.

Duckie was very hurt by the time she left last night. She was quiet (a rarity) and kept to herself. I had to push and pry to get it out of her. She said she feels stupid, ugly and like she's bad at everything. I told her, that while I think Bff is basically a great girl, she's very insecure and wants Duckie to feel that way too. I also told Duckie she needs to to be pretty verbally forceful with Bff to make her stop. Even put her hand up and say "STOP!!!" really loud during class so the teacher knows to intervene. I told her that she can put Bff in her place ("Why don't you worry about yourself?" or "Don't blame me if I come to class prepared and you don't!") but she mustn't be hurtful or cruel. I also told her that Bff will either straighten up or may drop Duckie as a friend, but the way she is being treated must not continue. But I also had Duckie list ten friends that would stand with her if that's the case. And I also made her promise to never do less than her best because someone else isn't living up to their potential.

Ugh. I hate tween girls!!!!

 

[TeDo]

I don't have the tween girl thing but I can relate to the putting others down to make themselves feel better. difficult child 1 does this a lot because he's so insecure. He NEEDS to bring himself up but he does it at the expense of others. Good for you for teaching Duckie the correct way to handle the situations. Keep explaining the insecurity thing and keep pointing out how good she is. Undo what bff is doing. I know, you're mom so you're supposed to say those things but point them out anyways and back it up with the decisions the teachers and conductors and directors have made. THEY can't be wrong to. "The proof is in the pudding" so to speak. With a friend like that, who needs enemies.

 

[keista]

Awwwwwwwww ((((HUGS))))

I think your advice was right on. I'd just add that in addition to the insecurity, that the bff is jealous that Duckie is so accomplished and she is not. Without being cruel, Duckie can encourage her friend to work harder. Detail all the time and effort that Duckie puts into everything. Generally we get out what we put in and this "frenemy" doesn't seem to be getting that concept. The bad news is that this kind of bad attitude can come down from the parents, and if that's the case, Duckie should just move on.

 

[DaisyFace]

TM--

I think it's time for Duckie to make some new friends...

Can you introduce her to a new circle this summer or over Spring Break? I think once Duckie experiences the mutual support of a "true" friendship...she will be less likely to hang out with bff and/or be hurt by her words.

 

[tiredmommy]

Thank you. Actually, the parents are great. Bff has really struggled A LOT partly, I think, because she has a twin sister. They are both smart, pretty, funny, etc. Great girls. It has to be hard, however, when there's always someone doing just as well as you. She's gets a lot of attention and she's well loved and disciplined. She's just very competitive and a little lost, I suppose. I also think she feels a little betrayed that Duckie has really started to come into her own and she just doesn't understand why she hasn't yet.

 

[ThreeShadows]

How does she treat her twin?

 

[tiredmommy]

DF~ She has other friends, thankfully. Good friends.

I also told her that if it doesn't get better at dance, that we can consider moving her from this studio (a satellite) to the main studio in the next town over next year.

 

[tiredmommy]

3S~ They are close but they do fight a lot. I don't think it's anything unusual and the parents stay on top of it.

 

[DaisyFace]

DF~ She has other friends, thankfully. Good friends.

I also told her that if it doesn't get better at dance, that we can consider moving her from this studio (a satellite) to the main studio in the next town over next year.

That sounds like a great plan! Good job, Mom!

 

[ThreeShadows]

So sad for Duckie, it's hard being an only child (I was one). She doesn't need this competitive, demeaning "friend". This girl probably treats her twin this way and doesn't know how to behave. Our difficult child 2 was very competitive with his twin, to the point of being possessive of any one who showed an interest in difficult child 1. Any chance this girl is afraid her sister wants to be Duckie's friend and that is causing her sense of rivalry?

 

[tiredmommy]

Actually, all three are friends though Duckie and Bff are closer. Twin actually told Bff to knock it off during dance.

 

[HaoZi]

I fail to understand why Duckie would want to continue being her friend, it sounds like Duckie is her friend, but bff isn't Duckie's friend, if that makes sense. I like your advice, I hope Duckie can follow it, and I hope the teacher is aware of the situation and its permutations, too.

 

[tiredmommy]

She is a good friend in many ways. One example is that she has called/texted often to see how things are with Duckie's grandmother. I think, perhaps, that Bff is threatened by Duckie simply because they are so close. It's almost like having another sister. I also think she's a little afraid that she may be left behind. I also think she (wrongly) believes that Duckie will get over these slights and allow it to continue because she doesn't know how else to deal with her frustrations and fears. I'm actually a little sad for her.

 

[DDD]

You've done a great job of giving Duckie the tools she needs for identifying the issues at hand. I was so impressed how she handled the stresses of last week. Truly she sounds unusually capable for her young age. I'm betting she finds a solution that she's comfortable with..soon. DDD

 

[tiredmommy]

Thanks, 3D. She's only well-prepared for this because she went through being treated cruelly by another friend a few years ago. The difference is that, inside, her Bff is a pretty good kid most of the time.

 

[HaoZi]

Outside of advising the teacher to keep them apart (no matter how well they seem to get along), I don't see what else you could do.

 

[tiredmommy]

There really isn't a lot to do except advise Duckie not to let anyone make her feel bad about herself. We're on winter break here and Bff's family is on vacation. There's still dance on Wednesday and Friday, so I should have an opportunity to speak discreetly to the teacher on Duckie's behalf.

Fast forward to this evening. Duckie is friends with our neighbor's granddaughter and she's here watching a movie. They have been laughing and joking all evening.


It's good to see her happy.

 

[susiestar]

I think you are handling it well. Maybe Duckie and some friends need to stage an intervention for this friend? (A friendtervention?) J was part of a core group of about 8 girls in elem school and a couple of times they had to tell someone that the koi had to swim in another pond. NOT the friend, just the behavior had to GO. If the girl didn't want to knock it off, they found ways to show her how it felt to be on the other end of bullying.

I hope bff can work through this and not lose all her friends because it. I would be she hasn't ever stopped to think about how she would feel if Duckie acted that way to her.