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<blockquote data-quote="Smithmom" data-source="post: 742298" data-attributes="member: 23371"><p>Like I said, we all have to do what we feel we have to do. No answers, no absolutes, no judgements. No one size fits all.</p><p></p><p>Just to go to your last paragraph..as a parent who has detached, I never feared it less than you do. I live it now. I just reacted differently. I continue to react differently. Neither of us is right or wrong. Is your suggestion that I don't care as much as you do? I don't think so. Is mine that I cope better than you do? No. Not at all. Just differently.</p><p></p><p>Do I think tough love helps addiction? No. Do I think it helps mental illness? No. I don't think either is "cured" by disengaging. I think both can only be improved with help. Tough love isn't about refusing to help. Its about the kind of help being offered. And the kind of help depends on the kind of need. That's really what you're talking about. That the needs are different. I submit that the needs are different not because of mental illness or addiction being the primary diagnosis. The needs are individual. Each of us has different needs. </p><p></p><p>Part of what I'm trying to say is that no where in your reply above do you address your needs or that of anyone but your son. As Copa said, we're all fighters willing to give our all to our kids. I gave my all when my son was young. And now there's a lot less of me. The toll that took on me was life-changing. I also sacrificed the childhood his bros would have had. As mine is now an adult I will not do that again. For me its not just about my adult addict son's needs. Its about my needs and those of my autistic son. I have work yet to do for my younger sons. I deserve a decent stress-free life. </p><p></p><p>Again, all I'm suggesting is that we re-evaluate periodically to be sure we have considered all angles and that where we are headed makes sense. You've done that and determined that you have the strength to do it all.</p><p></p><p>Maybe I see myself as a non-profit. LOL. What resources do I have, where are they needed most and how can they make the biggest impact? I have to manage my own resources. LOL.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Smithmom, post: 742298, member: 23371"] Like I said, we all have to do what we feel we have to do. No answers, no absolutes, no judgements. No one size fits all. Just to go to your last paragraph..as a parent who has detached, I never feared it less than you do. I live it now. I just reacted differently. I continue to react differently. Neither of us is right or wrong. Is your suggestion that I don't care as much as you do? I don't think so. Is mine that I cope better than you do? No. Not at all. Just differently. Do I think tough love helps addiction? No. Do I think it helps mental illness? No. I don't think either is "cured" by disengaging. I think both can only be improved with help. Tough love isn't about refusing to help. Its about the kind of help being offered. And the kind of help depends on the kind of need. That's really what you're talking about. That the needs are different. I submit that the needs are different not because of mental illness or addiction being the primary diagnosis. The needs are individual. Each of us has different needs. Part of what I'm trying to say is that no where in your reply above do you address your needs or that of anyone but your son. As Copa said, we're all fighters willing to give our all to our kids. I gave my all when my son was young. And now there's a lot less of me. The toll that took on me was life-changing. I also sacrificed the childhood his bros would have had. As mine is now an adult I will not do that again. For me its not just about my adult addict son's needs. Its about my needs and those of my autistic son. I have work yet to do for my younger sons. I deserve a decent stress-free life. Again, all I'm suggesting is that we re-evaluate periodically to be sure we have considered all angles and that where we are headed makes sense. You've done that and determined that you have the strength to do it all. Maybe I see myself as a non-profit. LOL. What resources do I have, where are they needed most and how can they make the biggest impact? I have to manage my own resources. LOL. [/QUOTE]
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