another call from difficult child's difficult child girlfriend...

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearthope, May 14, 2007.

  1. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    on mother's day :mad:

    She told easy child she thinks her bro is in jail or something cause nobody has seen him. Then she starts in about something else and I hang up the phone.

    I asked easy child if she wanted me to call her back and tell her to quit calling her and she said yes.

    So I called her back first letting her know that I was not trying to be ugly, but she was upsetting easy child with all the info of her partying with her dad and bro and now again telling her her bro was in jail or worse.

    I said that neither easy child or I have any contact with her dad or his family and she didn't need to hear anything about how they were living. I told her we both love difficult child very much but we don't support how he is living.

    She quickly, in true difficult child ,fashion turned to a caring girlfriend saying she doesn't agree with his lifestyle either (huh?) She was sorry to upset us, but she was worried sick because no one has seen difficult child.

    It took easy child a while to let this go yesterday, I reminded her how her bro would disappear from this girl and have everyone tell her he was not around. I said that is most likely what has happened, he is just tired of being around her. Then she said her dad and his group haven't seen him either and I just reminded her that difficult child had told us before they live a crazy life and he didn't like being around them either.

    So she let it go.

    It has taken me a little longer to let this go even after reasoning it all out with easy child.

    I let my mind wander to the worst case senerio from the beginning.
    I didn't call the hospitals and I didn't call the police.

    I have reminded myself that this is how my son is living now and I can not emotionally handle the frantic mom searching for son again. I know once I make the first call it is like a drug and I won't rest until I have turned every leaf.

    I can not turn back into that person. I have to be strong for myself,husband and easy child

    I would get a call if something had happened....Right?
     
  2. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Yes, you would get a call if something happened. Like they say, no news is good news. I'm glad you recognize that once you make that first call, it is like a drug and you won't rest. You know by now that finding out anything won't help you or him, because there is nothing you can do for him unless he is ready. Don't turn back into that person. It won't do anyone any good. Finding out anything is just going to make you sick with worry and will get him nowhere.

    Think of us as your sponsors. Just sign on line and contact us whenever you feel that urge to start looking for information. We are all here for you to help you stay strong.
     
  3. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Thanks Karen! I guess that is what my post was. I held it together and I knew not to start looking and calling from past experiences of what happened to me when I did search for him. I just needed the reassurance of someone else saying no don't start it.

    This again is something I would benefit from having a group to deal with isn't it?

    I do need to venture out and attend a meeting. But I am so comfortable here with all of you.

    I think I am still in the "pulling myself back together phase" I have been distrant for so long that the thought of exposing all those wounds just doesn't seem like something I can do at this time.

    I will continue to share here and get stronger, someday I will be strong enough to share in meeting...
     
  4. KFld

    KFld New Member

    You can go to a meeting and not share right away. They will ask you if you would like to, and will never pressure you if you don't. I went for quite awhile and though I was comfortable speaking, there were others who never spoke, but just sat back and listened and learned.
     
  5. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    HH, there is certainly something to be said for the power of the board and the relative anonymity it affords here.

    on the other hand, there is something quite incredible in looking into someone's eyes and seeing their understanding and compassion.

    Two different approaches that also work very well together.

    Hugs,
    Suz
     
  6. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    "I have reminded myself that this is how my son is living now and I can not emotionally handle the frantic mom searching for son again. I know once I make the first call it is like a drug and I won't rest until I have turned every leaf."

    ditto. I do not want to know. I do hold out that the morgue or cops will call if I am needed.

    I used to be frantic, now I dont want to know. I have learned I cannot help. once you learn you cannot change things you do better. it is the acceptance of your inability to try one more time that makes you have peace.

    ant is on the move too. he stays two wks at a time in one place. I do not want to see the places. been there done that and it only hurts me.

    so I hope you are more at peace in time.

    as for inperson or online grps, it is up to you. I have this online grp, went to a few inperson grps but not any more. I get tired of the misery. I do have a few families with ant-a-likes that I commiserate with from time to time. do what you feel comfy with.
     
  7. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Oh Janet you summed it all up! That is the best sentence I have ever read to pull all these feelings together and explain them.

    I think I now understand why I am beginning to be okay when my son is still lost....


    It is the acceptance of your inability to try one more time that makes you have peace.

    I have toyed with the idea of calling po just ONE more time and trying to see if he could get into ONE more program instead of jail....Thank you for your statement...

    I knew in my head not to make the call, it's this darn heart that gets in the way
     
  8. hearthope

    hearthope New Member

    Karen you are a wonderful testament to the help that must come from meetings. Honestly your positive attitude on our situations and your own are alot of the reasons I considered going to meetings.

    I am still trying to adjust my schedule and soothe my aching heart. I will venture out soon.
     
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