Another day, another knot in my stomach

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Wakegirl, Feb 11, 2013.

  1. Wakegirl

    Wakegirl Member

    Well, the weekend has come and gone, and today will be 5 days since the prosecutor ordered difficult child out of my house. I received the first text from him yesterday morning, wanting to know if I would get him one of those prepaid visa cards so he could get some food. I told him absolutely not...I would not give him any type of money whatsoever, but that I would go buy him a few groceries and leave them on the back porch. His reply was not to worry about it, that it was too much trouble, and he didn't have anywhere to put groceries. I proceeded to ask him where he was staying and he said it depended on the day. I asked him if he was working, and he said no because he lost the keys to his truck last weekend at a rodeo, and doesn't have the money to get another key made. So his truck has been parked at a friends house since last Saturday. I'm assuming that whoever he is staying with is going to get tired of him being a bum...so I'm sure it's a matter of time before I get the phone call that he has nowhere to go, nowhere to stay....same song and dance as before. He just doesn't get it.

    As parents, we have always wanted our children safe from harm. We never want them to go hungry. We want the best possible life for them. And that's what I'm struggling with the most....is he safe, is he hungry, etc. It kills my soul that he has chosen this path in life. To be SO smart, yet so dumb. To have so much to offer the world, yet waste his life away doing absolutely nothing to better it.

    I did also tell him (via text) that when he was FINALLY ready to get help, I would be there to lend a helping hand. But he has to want it. And he has to prove to me that he wants it. As of right now, because of all of the lies and deception, his words are just words. They mean nothing to me. And then, of course, I ended our text conversation saying that the only reason I'm doing this is because I love him, and I can't watch him self destruct anymore. As somebody once told me, if I don't toughen up and quit enabling, I am going to "love him to death". Literally. Tough love is hard. But I'm learning.

    I went upstairs to his bedroom last night to feed his fish (he always wanted to study marine biology, or go to vet school. He is BRILLIANT when it comes to nature. Steve Irwin was his idol). His room alone makes me sad, and ill. After I had him arrested last year, and he supposedly was not using anymore, his focus was on fish and fish tanks. He said it was his new hobby, away from drugs. He spent a lot of the few paychecks he got fixing up the 3 fish tanks he has in his room. I didn't pressure him about not paying me for his bills because I was relieved that he had a new hobby other than drugs. But I did finally say that enough is enough...you have plenty of fish and fish stuff...it's time to start paying your bills. I explained that I had been biting my tongue, and he could simply start paying me the 40.00 a week that we agreed to, or there would be an argument. I wasn't going to let him get away with it anymore. Explained that he is 20 years old, and it's PAST time that he be responsible. I might as well have been talking to a brick wall. His money would be gone before I had a chance to tell him to pay up. So he said. That's another thing I'm SICK of. Excuse after excuse after excuse. Anyway, what makes me ILL about his room is the nastiness of the carpet. We live in a nice home, well maintained (minus the damage he's done), and he could care less about anything in it. His carpet is disgusting...spilled bottles of dip, cigarette burns, drink spills, etc. It makes me cringe to see it. And it irritates me that he has no sense of respect for my home. My front door is covered in dents from his knuckles. As is my refrigerator. The same goes for his truck. It has more dents and dings than I can count. I even had all of the dents pulled out and had it painted before he went away to college. You can't tell it now....back to the same condition. Where did he learn such violence? That kid never had a hand laid on him, nor was I a parent that yelled and screamed. I didn't believe in that type of parenting. Maybe I should have?

    Another reason for waking up with a knot in my stomach is the fact that I'm going to be a grandmother. I'm in my early 40's. This isn't a joyous occasion, as it should be for most. He 's not married. She's still in high school. He's not working, and still using drugs. Neither one of them can take care of themselves....yet alone, a baby. So, guess what? I get to go from living in hell for the past 5 years due to difficult child's problems, to helping raise a baby. I might as well give up any of my own hopes and dreams. I'll never have my own life, my own freedom, my own privacy. Selfish? Sure. But that's the way I feel right now.

    I guess this post is just me venting...and asking for motivation to keep being strong. It's not easy. But neither was the hell that I lived in my own home for sooooooooo long, thanks to difficult child and his antics.
     
  2. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    I have been exactly in your shoes and I can tell you what helped me:

    Clean out his room. Paint, clean the rug, anything you need to do. Then set it up for what YOU want it to be. My difficult child's old room was an office and is now a gym. I am making new memories to fill that space to get rid of the old, depressing ones...

    As for the baby - I am in the same position. My difficult child is due in September. Her and her boyfriend fight daily. They are homeless and stay at a motel. (He claims that he has the money for a place but difficult child doesn't like any of them). Regardless, decide exactly what you are willing and unwilling to do.

    husband and I have been looking forward to our life after children. difficult child has been out for over two years now and our youngest will be 16 this year. I see the light at the end of the tunnel and want NOTHING to do with raising more children. The thought is just downright depressing to us to have to start all over again. So we told difficult child very clearly that if she and M have the baby, it will be their baby and their responsibility. I told them very clearly that we will not clothe, diaper and feed the baby. I told them we will not be financially responsible for the baby. If they choose to have the baby, which I believe they will, we plan to stand firm that we are not raising it.

    I brought her to medicaid and WIC to apply for aid. That is as much as I was willing to help. At first they were dragging me in to every argument and I then had to make it clear that I do not wish to be involved and they have left me alone for the most part.

    You just need to be comfortable about what you will and will not do and then stick to it...tough love is the HARDEST thing to do as a parent. It goes against every single instinct that we have. But they make it very necessary and in most, it is the only thing that works...
     
  3. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    First of all, have a list of homeless shelters ready for when you get that inevitable call. As hard as if may be, you cannot let him come back home. Use the court order as an excuse if you have to. You could also have the phone numbers and locations of food banks for him.

    This part is hard and you are going to have to decide for yourself if you want to get sucked into this situation or not. My husband and I told our difficult child that we were not raising another child and that her choices were to raise it herself with no help from us, give the baby up for adoption, or terminate the pregnancy. She chose to terminate the pregnancy which I believe was the correct thing to do in her situation.

    I know everyone has thier own opinion on that so you need to do what you believe is the right thing to do. Just keep in mind that there may be another baby after this one and another one after that. Are you ready to raise another family at your age? It doesn't seem likely at this point that your difficult child will step up to the plate.

    I know how hard all of this is for you.

    {{{Hugs}}}

    ~Kathy
     
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wakegirl, when we kicked our daughter out it took me a long time before I could go into her room and not cry and be left with a huge pit in my stomach. Then little by little I started cleaning it out and yes her carpet has been trashed too. We built out home about 15 years ago and all of the damage in it is due to her, furniture ruined, walls with holes and dents, door frames cracked and broken, garage door with dets in it from her kicking it. Once I got her room cleaned out I painted it, changed the bedding and made it into a guest room. The carpeting will be replaced in the near future.

    You are doing everything right, offering him food and letting him know you are there to help and support him once he has decided that is what he wants and is willing to work for it. He iwll go from friend's house to house until he wears out his welcome. At some point he will have no place to go. Your job is to stay strong during this time. He will be OK, most of our difficult children land on their feet somehow. Come here and vent all you want, we understand and most of us have walked in your shoes.

    Nancy
     
  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    Oh Wakegirl, you put into words a lot of the things I have felt. It is so hard not knowing if they are safe....even though I thought was doing well I am sleeping so much better now that I know my son is off the street. It is so so hard to do tough love.... it is much tougher on us than on them.

    So first of all be very aware that they become very good at manipulation, they know very well how to tug at their mothers heartstrings... and tug they will... with all of their being they will. If he was really hungry he would have come and gotten groceries off your porch.....it wasnt food he was after, it was money!! Definitely dont give him money, believe me my son has found all sorts of ways to use us for money....Yes buy him some groceries or at some point offer to take him out for a meal. I am sure he is finding places to stay and that may go on for a while... eventually his friends (and their families) will tire of him mooching off of him. He may literally end up with no place to go AND that will be the point where he will say he is ready for help and for treatment. It may be the only way he is willing to go for help and so wait until that moment. If you give in to his manipulation before then then you just prolong the time it will take for him to get help. He needs to learn his way of living is not working and wont work for him.... if you help him out in avoiding that reality then the longer he will continue to do it his way.

    Your friends comments was right on.... you can love and enable them to death. We can never be sure they wont die on the path they are on, but we need to stay strong not to help them along that path that is self destructive.

    I think your texting was good. Stay in touch with him. Stand your ground. And above all find support for yourself. The hardest part is finding ways to feel some peace and enjoy life while our kids are such a mess.... but have that as a goal. It makes a huge difference.

    TL
     
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