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Another development, another update. Oy.
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<blockquote data-quote="recoveringenabler" data-source="post: 616384" data-attributes="member: 13542"><p>Good place to look Cedar.............that was all once explained to me by a wonderful therapist who told me that the rescuer/victim/persecutor is a triangle within which we actually roll around in all the roles, but we have a favorite.............mine was rescuer. That process often plays itself out in dysfunctional families. I could not see myself in the other two roles. She explained that after you rescue the victim, the victim persecutes the rescuer (for ripping them off of being seen as capable of handling their own lives, which although they seek the help, they hate you for it)...........so now you're a victim of the victim who is now the persecutor. (all that anger our kids have had towards us) </p><p></p><p>But, how would I be the persecutor? Oh Boy. She told me that in rescuing someone I was harming them by repeatedly taking care of what they needed to take care of and that in itself was a form of persecution, taking away what was rightfully theirs and presuming I could do it better. Yikes. I recall going home and being devastated because I never, ever saw the rescuer role as anything but good and positive. I never had before seen it as destructive, harmful and in fact, arrogant. It was very difficult for me to take all of that in and it was like a sucker punch which knocked me over because I always saw myself as being a really good guy who never hurt anyone. </p><p></p><p>She explained to me that in order to step out of that triangle, I had to own all three roles. It was hard because it interfered with my own self perception. When the true magnitude of my part in all of it made it through my own denial, I was utterly appalled and I broke down. It was very hard for me to see that in myself, however, once I did, just as she had promised, I was out of the triangle. Yikes. That was a big deal for me and I believe it began the process of being able to not only see my enabling patterns, but to stop them. It was all so tied in to how I viewed myself, that role I had, the one I felt so valued for. A paradox. Those inauthentic roles die hard, they are so tied to our fragile and wounded egos. For me, seeing how my rescuing was harmful to <em>anyone </em>was a devastating blow to that role I was in..................and thankfully, quite liberating at the very same time.</p><p></p><p>My own path through all of this stuff has undeniably been to recognize the part<em><strong><u> I</u></strong></em> played and how harmful that was to myself and to those I rescued............that was quite the process...........once I could see it, own it and feel it, I could let it go, heal myself and move out of it........</p><p></p><p>As the mother here, being the central figure in this drama, my belief is that in making these rather large changes, it changes the very atmosphere around me and those in that atmosphere are forced to change along with me............or leave that atmosphere. I don't know how invested my daughter is in her own inauthentic self, it may be that at 41 she is now pretty cemented in what that is. But, she cannot any longer play in that triangle with ME, so around, ME, she has to be different. How that translates in to her own existence, I don't know. And, I don't have the<em> authority </em>to step in to save her, (really, I never did) she has to do that on her own now. I have learned that I can only do that for myself...........</p><p></p><p>It's a lot to take in Cedar and I am impressed at your commitment to do just that............through all of the pain of breaking up the distorted perceptions from our childhoods, there is an expanded perception developing...........an opening..........I believe that new perception frees everyone..........</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="recoveringenabler, post: 616384, member: 13542"] Good place to look Cedar.............that was all once explained to me by a wonderful therapist who told me that the rescuer/victim/persecutor is a triangle within which we actually roll around in all the roles, but we have a favorite.............mine was rescuer. That process often plays itself out in dysfunctional families. I could not see myself in the other two roles. She explained that after you rescue the victim, the victim persecutes the rescuer (for ripping them off of being seen as capable of handling their own lives, which although they seek the help, they hate you for it)...........so now you're a victim of the victim who is now the persecutor. (all that anger our kids have had towards us) But, how would I be the persecutor? Oh Boy. She told me that in rescuing someone I was harming them by repeatedly taking care of what they needed to take care of and that in itself was a form of persecution, taking away what was rightfully theirs and presuming I could do it better. Yikes. I recall going home and being devastated because I never, ever saw the rescuer role as anything but good and positive. I never had before seen it as destructive, harmful and in fact, arrogant. It was very difficult for me to take all of that in and it was like a sucker punch which knocked me over because I always saw myself as being a really good guy who never hurt anyone. She explained to me that in order to step out of that triangle, I had to own all three roles. It was hard because it interfered with my own self perception. When the true magnitude of my part in all of it made it through my own denial, I was utterly appalled and I broke down. It was very hard for me to see that in myself, however, once I did, just as she had promised, I was out of the triangle. Yikes. That was a big deal for me and I believe it began the process of being able to not only see my enabling patterns, but to stop them. It was all so tied in to how I viewed myself, that role I had, the one I felt so valued for. A paradox. Those inauthentic roles die hard, they are so tied to our fragile and wounded egos. For me, seeing how my rescuing was harmful to [I]anyone [/I]was a devastating blow to that role I was in..................and thankfully, quite liberating at the very same time. My own path through all of this stuff has undeniably been to recognize the part[I][B][U] I[/U][/B][/I] played and how harmful that was to myself and to those I rescued............that was quite the process...........once I could see it, own it and feel it, I could let it go, heal myself and move out of it........ As the mother here, being the central figure in this drama, my belief is that in making these rather large changes, it changes the very atmosphere around me and those in that atmosphere are forced to change along with me............or leave that atmosphere. I don't know how invested my daughter is in her own inauthentic self, it may be that at 41 she is now pretty cemented in what that is. But, she cannot any longer play in that triangle with ME, so around, ME, she has to be different. How that translates in to her own existence, I don't know. And, I don't have the[I] authority [/I]to step in to save her, (really, I never did) she has to do that on her own now. I have learned that I can only do that for myself........... It's a lot to take in Cedar and I am impressed at your commitment to do just that............through all of the pain of breaking up the distorted perceptions from our childhoods, there is an expanded perception developing...........an opening..........I believe that new perception frees everyone.......... [/QUOTE]
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