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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 617030" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>Another too long post. Mostly, I just say we are fine. I touch on the changes happening for me as a result of the psychological breakthroughs resulting from understanding the dynamic of the skillset we call detaching. </p><p></p><p>And from choosing to ride that edge of vulnerability Brene Brown talks about, I suppose.</p><p></p><p>Everything in my life is changing. I think people might even be responding to me differently. Perhaps I am more open, less guarded, as I heal those old internal belief systems? </p><p></p><p>*********************</p><p></p><p>Oh, Recovering, I wrote this whole, long thing about how everything is going and realized it was just a whine. Well, shoot. So, I deleted it. Things with daughter and granddaughter could not be better. Daughter is taking care of business, seeing doctors, re-establishing relationship with her own daughter. Physical and mental deficits are resolving amazingly well. Though her patterns of speech are almost back to normal, difficult child is still very forgetful, doesn't remember who she told what to and etc. We are expecting that to resolve, too. Granddaughter is...well, I don't know. Strong. She is strong. Granddaughter will begin school there toward the end of this month. If that happens, difficult child and granddaughter will stay where they are. The male who beat difficult child is going to court for the first time since the beating, today. If he is released, we will fly difficult child and granddaughter down here for their safety as soon as possible. If the male is denied bail, they will most likely continue where they are. Still at the shelter. Counseling there has been good for both difficult child and granddaughter. </p><p></p><p>husband and I, not so good. I understand this is part of coming back into balance. Bad Cedar demands more of husband than needing to understand, one more time, that this is part of coming back into balance. I applaud her. husband is considering his options.</p><p></p><p>******</p><p></p><p>I love that you think of me, that you post wondering about me when I don't post. Thank you, Recovering. It is good to remember who I am, good to know that I have an intrinsic value and a separate identity. </p><p></p><p>husband can be verbally abusive. It is hard to stand up, to remember who I am, under a prolonged onslaught. In reality though, everything that is happening is part of addressing and healing the original damage. So, I am fortunate in this, as well.</p><p></p><p>I am consciously aware of what is happening, as it happens. I have come a long way. husband does not know how to handle these changed patterns. It has been hard for him, too.</p><p></p><p>It is so obvious to me, now that I have reworked so much of what I was taught to believe about who I was, about who I had the right to be, that husband's behaviors have nothing to do with me. This is not making husband look very masculine or desirable to me.</p><p></p><p>It is interesting to note that in the past, husband's behaviors resulted in <u>my</u> not feeling very feminine or desirable to me.</p><p></p><p>Healthy is good.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p><p></p><p>P.S. I almost deleted the information about husband. It seems like a betrayal. I am posting for the same reason I post other things too personal to me. Someone who needs it, someone going through the same changes (or hoping to) may see and be helped by it.</p><p></p><p>It is absolutely true that as we change, everything changes. Every single thing. Instead of shame at the echoes of the original wounding (which is the dynamic between abused and abuser) what I feel now is like the other person is missing a connection, somewhere.</p><p></p><p>The difference really is quite extraordinary.</p><p></p><p>Also, I will post about my sister. The last things I had posted to her on FB were something to the effect that I really was sorry if I'd hurt her feelings, but that I wanted something more real than what we have. She FB on Christmas Eve wishing a merry and blah, blah, blah.</p><p></p><p>I did not respond.</p><p></p><p>Two or three days ago, she FB wondering whether what she had heard about difficult child was true. I FB back: "What is it you want to know?" This was unspeakably, unimaginably rude behavior for me. She FB that she already knew, and that, as it had happened a month ago and difficult child was still here, everything must be fine and that was what mattered.</p><p></p><p>I did not respond. </p><p></p><p>The patterns there have changed. I have the same feeling from my sister that I have from husband. They don't know what to do. Have not heard from my mother, who stays with my sister during the winter. This is not unusual, as mom and sister living together during the winter is what brought many of the old patterns front and center, again.</p><p></p><p>Neither has contacted difficult child. Not to wish her well, not to encourage or condemn her.</p><p></p><p>I deserve better. difficult child deserves better.</p><p></p><p>No question.</p><p></p><p>In the past, I would have felt guilty, ashamed, willing to talk and talk and oh, so hoping of support. Now? I say swear words when I think of how they are responding to something so awful. Once again though...as it is with husband's behaviors of choice, the shame I once would have felt has landed squarely on them.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 617030, member: 17461"] Another too long post. Mostly, I just say we are fine. I touch on the changes happening for me as a result of the psychological breakthroughs resulting from understanding the dynamic of the skillset we call detaching. And from choosing to ride that edge of vulnerability Brene Brown talks about, I suppose. Everything in my life is changing. I think people might even be responding to me differently. Perhaps I am more open, less guarded, as I heal those old internal belief systems? ********************* Oh, Recovering, I wrote this whole, long thing about how everything is going and realized it was just a whine. Well, shoot. So, I deleted it. Things with daughter and granddaughter could not be better. Daughter is taking care of business, seeing doctors, re-establishing relationship with her own daughter. Physical and mental deficits are resolving amazingly well. Though her patterns of speech are almost back to normal, difficult child is still very forgetful, doesn't remember who she told what to and etc. We are expecting that to resolve, too. Granddaughter is...well, I don't know. Strong. She is strong. Granddaughter will begin school there toward the end of this month. If that happens, difficult child and granddaughter will stay where they are. The male who beat difficult child is going to court for the first time since the beating, today. If he is released, we will fly difficult child and granddaughter down here for their safety as soon as possible. If the male is denied bail, they will most likely continue where they are. Still at the shelter. Counseling there has been good for both difficult child and granddaughter. husband and I, not so good. I understand this is part of coming back into balance. Bad Cedar demands more of husband than needing to understand, one more time, that this is part of coming back into balance. I applaud her. husband is considering his options. ****** I love that you think of me, that you post wondering about me when I don't post. Thank you, Recovering. It is good to remember who I am, good to know that I have an intrinsic value and a separate identity. husband can be verbally abusive. It is hard to stand up, to remember who I am, under a prolonged onslaught. In reality though, everything that is happening is part of addressing and healing the original damage. So, I am fortunate in this, as well. I am consciously aware of what is happening, as it happens. I have come a long way. husband does not know how to handle these changed patterns. It has been hard for him, too. It is so obvious to me, now that I have reworked so much of what I was taught to believe about who I was, about who I had the right to be, that husband's behaviors have nothing to do with me. This is not making husband look very masculine or desirable to me. It is interesting to note that in the past, husband's behaviors resulted in [U]my[/U] not feeling very feminine or desirable to me. Healthy is good. :O) Cedar P.S. I almost deleted the information about husband. It seems like a betrayal. I am posting for the same reason I post other things too personal to me. Someone who needs it, someone going through the same changes (or hoping to) may see and be helped by it. It is absolutely true that as we change, everything changes. Every single thing. Instead of shame at the echoes of the original wounding (which is the dynamic between abused and abuser) what I feel now is like the other person is missing a connection, somewhere. The difference really is quite extraordinary. Also, I will post about my sister. The last things I had posted to her on FB were something to the effect that I really was sorry if I'd hurt her feelings, but that I wanted something more real than what we have. She FB on Christmas Eve wishing a merry and blah, blah, blah. I did not respond. Two or three days ago, she FB wondering whether what she had heard about difficult child was true. I FB back: "What is it you want to know?" This was unspeakably, unimaginably rude behavior for me. She FB that she already knew, and that, as it had happened a month ago and difficult child was still here, everything must be fine and that was what mattered. I did not respond. The patterns there have changed. I have the same feeling from my sister that I have from husband. They don't know what to do. Have not heard from my mother, who stays with my sister during the winter. This is not unusual, as mom and sister living together during the winter is what brought many of the old patterns front and center, again. Neither has contacted difficult child. Not to wish her well, not to encourage or condemn her. I deserve better. difficult child deserves better. No question. In the past, I would have felt guilty, ashamed, willing to talk and talk and oh, so hoping of support. Now? I say swear words when I think of how they are responding to something so awful. Once again though...as it is with husband's behaviors of choice, the shame I once would have felt has landed squarely on them. [/QUOTE]
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