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Another letter from father!-- not opening this one!
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 622005" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>There is no one more surprised that husband and I are not divorced than husband and I. difficult children sap all the joy out of life. All at once, we are looking back on months of pain and darkness and worry and we don't even want to go home, anymore. The other person represents home ~ and that's where all the bad stuff happened.</p><p></p><p>It's like there is no escape.</p><p></p><p>Do you suppose that is why you painted your kitchen so bright a color? To sort of fight the darkness and feel happy, again?</p><p></p><p>Possible to get away with your husband for a week to ten days?</p><p></p><p>If that's not possible right now, you could begin planning a trip together. Something happy to anticipate will bring joy back into the relationship. In the meantime, even a roadtrip on a Saturday morning, just the act of getting in the car and driving away together, can break that darkness/tension/anxious feeling.</p><p></p><p>Another thing that made a difference for us was honestly feeling and expressing the sorrow each of us felt that these things had happened to the other one. There was something so vulnerable about acknowledging the pain, the confusion, the all of a sudden not having a clue how these bad things happened to us or how to make them stop. There was something so real about being able to say the words that were true, but unspoken ~ that we each felt so badly the dream had gone sour. That we felt badly that our mate, that person we cherished and respected and wanted only the best things for, had experienced so much pain, so much loss, so many shattered expectations. We were able to heal so much of the woundedness and breach so many of the dark, non-comunicado places in our relationship through that technique. husband denied and denied that he felt badly about anything. But when the dam broke, there was so much pain, so much shame and hurt....</p><p></p><p>husband's worst shame was that he had not been able to protect us from what happened. He had not been able to protect me, had not been able to protect his daughter, had not been able to protect his son. </p><p></p><p>A man's thing is to shelter, protect, and lead his family.</p><p></p><p>My husband had done what he thought were all the right things, but everything was broken, anyway. He hardly felt like a man, anymore.</p><p></p><p>He tried to reassure himself in other ways ~ and that wasn't going over well with me. Good or bad, I wanted nothing much to do with my husband.... My focus was the kids. It still is, alot of the time. We are able to reach through the isolation I set up around myself when I am in pain, now. </p><p></p><p>So sad, for both of us. My husband saved our marriage, not me. He tried this and that, and then, got me to agree to meet him for Manhattans every day at 5:30 in our own dining room. No TV, no phone. I could play music. I chose Dean Martin. It was something cool and easy, not something we listened to anywhere else. And that's what we did. Face to face, every day, 5:30. Our own dining room. And it worked. We began to enjoy spending that time together before dinner. After dinner, I was free to do whatever I wanted. Meeting at 5:30 in our own home with no distractions is still the rule in our house.</p><p></p><p>Over time, we got to be one another's ally against the pain, instead of enemies in a house of pain.</p><p></p><p>We will be married 42 years, in June.</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 622005, member: 17461"] There is no one more surprised that husband and I are not divorced than husband and I. difficult children sap all the joy out of life. All at once, we are looking back on months of pain and darkness and worry and we don't even want to go home, anymore. The other person represents home ~ and that's where all the bad stuff happened. It's like there is no escape. Do you suppose that is why you painted your kitchen so bright a color? To sort of fight the darkness and feel happy, again? Possible to get away with your husband for a week to ten days? If that's not possible right now, you could begin planning a trip together. Something happy to anticipate will bring joy back into the relationship. In the meantime, even a roadtrip on a Saturday morning, just the act of getting in the car and driving away together, can break that darkness/tension/anxious feeling. Another thing that made a difference for us was honestly feeling and expressing the sorrow each of us felt that these things had happened to the other one. There was something so vulnerable about acknowledging the pain, the confusion, the all of a sudden not having a clue how these bad things happened to us or how to make them stop. There was something so real about being able to say the words that were true, but unspoken ~ that we each felt so badly the dream had gone sour. That we felt badly that our mate, that person we cherished and respected and wanted only the best things for, had experienced so much pain, so much loss, so many shattered expectations. We were able to heal so much of the woundedness and breach so many of the dark, non-comunicado places in our relationship through that technique. husband denied and denied that he felt badly about anything. But when the dam broke, there was so much pain, so much shame and hurt.... husband's worst shame was that he had not been able to protect us from what happened. He had not been able to protect me, had not been able to protect his daughter, had not been able to protect his son. A man's thing is to shelter, protect, and lead his family. My husband had done what he thought were all the right things, but everything was broken, anyway. He hardly felt like a man, anymore. He tried to reassure himself in other ways ~ and that wasn't going over well with me. Good or bad, I wanted nothing much to do with my husband.... My focus was the kids. It still is, alot of the time. We are able to reach through the isolation I set up around myself when I am in pain, now. So sad, for both of us. My husband saved our marriage, not me. He tried this and that, and then, got me to agree to meet him for Manhattans every day at 5:30 in our own dining room. No TV, no phone. I could play music. I chose Dean Martin. It was something cool and easy, not something we listened to anywhere else. And that's what we did. Face to face, every day, 5:30. Our own dining room. And it worked. We began to enjoy spending that time together before dinner. After dinner, I was free to do whatever I wanted. Meeting at 5:30 in our own home with no distractions is still the rule in our house. Over time, we got to be one another's ally against the pain, instead of enemies in a house of pain. We will be married 42 years, in June. Cedar [/QUOTE]
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