another lost friendship

cutedimples

New Member
(I've emailed the site moderator, thanks for the advice)
J was always at their place; in fact, we felt guilty because it felt like free babysitting. I offered continually to have them down here but it always ended up that way. So it was unsupervised by me. We spoke a few times about how he behaves when there is more than one child present (not well at all) and so I knew that she had witnessed him in all his glory. When she called she said that when he gets that way he just doesn't listen to them and there have been a couple "dangerous" situations. I totally understand her request and don't feel anything except sorry that she had to deal with it, but she did say that maybe later we could get together just the two of them and the two of us and have supervised time together. I wasn't sure if she was throwing me a bone or not, but I guess that's why I felt that maybe a note wasn't entirely out of order. She is a patient and kind person, so I know she probably put up with a lot from him before it came to this. All the postings I've read here, and everything I've read about playdates with difficult children says to have the playdate be at your place, short periods of time, and one friend at a time. But J is 7 and wants to roam the neighborhood so that is getting more and more difficult!
 

klmno

Active Member
It does sound like playdates at home, with you supervising, and only one friend at a time is the way to go. in my humble opinion, seven yo is a little young to be roaming the neighborhood, even for a easy child. Based onn the description, my take on this is that he is getting over-stimulated and there might be something else going on with him. Has he ever been evaluated thoroughly? Either an MDE or neuropsychologist testing?
 

Steely

Active Member
Yep, I would do the note. I had difficult child do that anytime his behaviors negatively impacted another person. I think it a very appropriate, reality based, thing to do.
 

Marguerite

Active Member
Making him write a note can't hurt. If nothing else, it will be good practice because this is going to keep happening.

If the note makes no difference, it will be a shame but it's better to find out now if this mother is going to be less tolerant. He needs friends who are understanding, and their parents to also be tolerant and understanding.

Here's what I do (less so now he's 14) - when difficult child 3 goes visiting, I generally go as well. Now he's older I might drop in later on, perhaps when it's time for him to come home. I often take something with me - a small batch of biscuits I've just made, to "ask your opinion - should I have added more vanilla?" which I often leave behind after we've all had some. In other words, I make myself available as well as useful. People need to feel they get something back if they have put themselves out.

I also try to have the kids over to our house, although that doesn't happen often. Part of this is because our house is so untidy, the other mothers feel uncomfortable (untidy is very much a part of the boys spreading out and I'd be constantly picking stuff up and arguing with them, or simply waiting for them to leave home so I can make them take it all away). We try to limit the untidiness where it impacts on communal areas.

Also, difficult child 3's friends tend to be much younger. He has no friends his own age, who he spends time with. He used to have, but as he grew older his social capability simply didn't keep up with theirs, and they moved on to other kids more on their social level. difficult child 3's young friends are very bright for their ages, socially they're still ahead of him but not so far. Then enjoy spending time with him because his special knowledge and brains attracts them, makes them feel important and smart by association.

BUT - important - their mothers understand, and will send difficult child 3 home if he's not coping, or if they already have a number of other kids visiting (they know that this can cause problems for difficult child 3). They also live nearby. One is over the road (plus another family, two doors up - two young girls) and another lives one black away (he is also high-functioning autistic, not so autistic as difficult child 3 and probably not quite so bright). Also I now let difficult child 3 go for walks alone into the bush. This is risky I know, but how else can he learn? I know he goes closer to the cliff than I am comfortable with, I just have to trust him now because if I forbid it, he will do it anyway but not tell me if he hurts himself. He may even take bigger risks to avoid discovery.

SO get him to write the letter. Maybe you could also talk to the other mother, explain your concerns that difficult child has a problem still unidentified, which could explain the problem behaviours. Ask her if there is any way they can continue to be friends, but be prepared for her to say she'd rather not for now, at least. It may also be that her son has privately said to her he finds difficult child a bit hard to take; in which case, be glad of the friendship they had for a while, but it's time to be acquaintances for a while instead of close friends.

I found this does happen as difficult child 3 gets older - his friends he used to have when much younger have all outgrown him. They're still kind to him, but more like older brothers looking after a vulnerable child.

I made more social opportunities for difficult child 3, by enrolling him in various activities. Some were good; some were not. Touch football was both. Drama class has been good because he's made more friends across a broader spectrum of human society, now encompassing a wide range of disabilities. This has been important to teach difficult child 3 some tolerance. One of his best friends in drama class is an 18 year old boy with broad developmental delay. In old-fashioned terminology, the friend is 'retarded' but for no diagnosed reason. They are probably about 60 IQ points apart, at least. But they are good friends and look out for one another, look forward to seeing one another and spending time together.

Another girl in the class (and an older boy) has Downs Syndrome. The girl, at 15, has only just learned to read. difficult child 3 was reading when he was 2. So he has to learn broad understanding and tolerance, very important because until now he has totally lacked perspective.

With difficult child 3 mixing with other kids, I found he has needed supervision and where possible, me dragging him out of a situation BEFORE it gets nasty. Sometimes this means I seem like an ogre, not letting him have any fun, but it also protects him from false accusations as well as from some really nasty bullying. At touch football, for example, a lot of the kids were unsupervised. They would gather between games on an old spoil heap and throw rocks. difficult child 3 had rocks thrown at him but when I complained, one mother told me that difficult child 3 had started it by throwing rocks first. I know he wouldn't have done this (he wouldn't get the idea until he saw others) and only by being able to honestly say, "He was never out of my sight," could I refute the false accusations.
But also at touch football, difficult child 3 was playing as part of a team, with other team members his age (past classmates) who although they no longer spent time with him, at least understood.

Staying within sight of him was a strain - for him and for me - but it was necessary and worthwhile. It may seem strange to insist on that degree of supervision for a boy of 11 going on 12 (as he was then) but unstructured play with others is always a hazard, especially when there are other kids.

difficult child 3 has at times been at his friend's place without me, when a neighbour kid of theirs drops in. She doesn't like difficult child 3 to be there (she hates sharing her friend) and so is mean to difficult child 3 until he gets into trouble or gets upset, and goes home. My insistence for a while of going with difficult child 3 to visit, so I could chat to the mother over coffee while the boys played, helped there because difficult child 3 quickly got the message that when this girl came over we would leave BEFORE there was any trouble.

What is needed is understanding (demystify things), support, supervision and at timers, segregation. Nobody else will do this if you won't.

The ball is in your court. You are your child's best advocate and best instructor. It IS worth it - all the time you put in, if it prevents problems, pays off in his increased confidence and reputation. If you have to go in afterwards to soothe things down and make reparation, it takes up the same amount of time to less overall benefit.

Prevention is the most efficient use of your energies.

Good luck!

Marg
 

cutedimples

New Member
Changed my name, same sweet smelling rose (well, I don't know about the sweet smelling - when was the last time I showered?)!
Marg, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a great reply. I appreciated every thing you said - you are a fantastic mother. husband and I are realizing that this is going to take a lot more effort than we've been putting in up until now. We weren't even going to have kids because we were too selfish (difficult child was an accidental miracle) and I guess this is a big kick in the bum for us both. But the last 3 days (first 3 of summer vacation) have been amazing, just the two of us for the most part. This board has helped calm me down and instilled some patience when I had run out. Anyway, I'm going to have J write the note and maybe I'll write a short one too and include it. Thanks for the advice. I'll let you know how things go.
 
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