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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 301644" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>Welcome, KC.</p><p></p><p>I also endorse the recommendation to get your son assessed by a neuropsychologist. The diagnosis is a surprising one given his age. Misdiagnoses at this age are unfortunately fairly common. The anxiety coming into thr mix now, plus the raging - he sounds scared and frustrated. So what could be making him frustrated? THAT is what you need to observe. Watch him interact with others, watch him alone at play. Watch when he is calm (something is working for him) and watch what happens BEFORE his rage begins. What appears to have triggered it? Why is he really angry?</p><p></p><p>Compare this with other kids and how they behave and interact. The difference is the boundary between them and your son.</p><p></p><p>There are a number of possibilities and it is good that you are on the ball enough to have had him assessed already. However, ANY assessment, especially in such a young kid, needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If your instinct says it's not a good fit or doesn't explain everything, then trust your instincts and keep asking questions and getting him tested. Keep all results, even the ones you don't agree with, because tucked away in there can be vital information later in his development.</p><p></p><p>Example - difficult child 3, if assessed now for the first time ever, with no history taken into account, would get a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. A snapshot taken now (in terms of his capabilities and presentation) would show his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), his extreme anxiety, his high ability in some areas (savant skills) and the deficits in his social interactions. However, he is doing quite well socially at a fairly formal level. He's not so good at the more informal relaxed chat with kids his own age, but he's getting better fast. he is coming out with appropriate (and fast!) quips. </p><p></p><p>In reality, he is definitely autistic. The reasons - he was non-verbal for the first few years. Not only non-verbal, but language itself seemed to be aclosed book. A kid who has lost the power of speech but who can still turn and look at you when he hears his name, and who can respond to instructions ("Put the cup on the bench") definitely has language capability, even if he doesn't have speech. But a child who cannot even comprehend instructions or respond to his own name - that is a child who doesn't have language.</p><p>In difficult child 3's case, language did happen. It took time and I suspect he had to use a different part of his brain, the part that we use when we learn a second language, to learn the whole concept of communnication. </p><p></p><p>But if that early history were not known, it would change his diagnosis.</p><p>So although early diagnoses of difficult child 3 were wrong, included in there is vital testing results that can be put to good use in later assessments.</p><p></p><p>But you need help with practicalities, with both kids. They each have their problems (whatever the diagnosis) and underneath it all, life for each of them is frustrating in different ways. You don't have to wait for a therapist or for a diagnosis, to put in some daily practical management which can help you all NOW. YOu need your fiance on board with this too, or he will rpaidly find himself the focus of a lot of hostility form both kids (you become "good cop, bad cop" if only one of you does this).</p><p></p><p>What you need to do - acquaint yourselves, both of you, with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It was a lifesaver for us, for so many of us on tis site. A few people have reported thta it didn't help them much if at all, but in general, most of us have found some amazing results.</p><p></p><p>It's also a lot easier than many of the alternatives (and it is also an alternative to do nothing). You don't need charts with this, you don't need tables, graphs etc. You take form it what you feel can heklp and leave what can't. You can also be flexible and modify or adapt, as you feel you need to. But underpinning it all, is a different way of looking at the problems and a different approach to your child, especially achild who has a need for control in his/her life (which can happen, if the child feels life is out of control). You allow the child control, where it really doesn't matter to you. You also set the example to the child, of how you want the child to behave. No yelling, no 'standover' tactics (which so many parents use to great effect with most kids - and it didn't do US any harm!).</p><p>Other adults around you may think you've gone mad, but this does work. You still keep the reins in your hand, but you slacken them off a bit and let the child (the horse in the harness) walk on at their own pace. You give informeation and l ead them to making their own decision. "We could go left, which will take us for a pretty walk but will mean we take much longer to get home, or we could go straight ahead to get home quickly but it's not such a pretty view. What would you like?"</p><p>If you need to get home and don't want the risk that the child will opt for the longer walk, you could say, "If we get home quickly, we can do X, Y or Z. What would you like to do when we get home?"</p><p>There is so much more to this, I've only given you a very quick example of a fragment of this.</p><p></p><p>For a quick preview, go to Early Childhood and look at the stickies there on adapting Explosive Child to younger children. Then get the book out of the library, if you're reluctant to spend money on yet another "I've got just the book for you!" situation. If I bought every book recommended to me... I'd be broke and have no room in the house. But I did go out and buy this one.</p><p></p><p>Keep us posted on how you go. And if your fiance wants to lurk here, or join - he won't be the only bloke. My husband is a quiet-ish regular here too.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 301644, member: 1991"] Welcome, KC. I also endorse the recommendation to get your son assessed by a neuropsychologist. The diagnosis is a surprising one given his age. Misdiagnoses at this age are unfortunately fairly common. The anxiety coming into thr mix now, plus the raging - he sounds scared and frustrated. So what could be making him frustrated? THAT is what you need to observe. Watch him interact with others, watch him alone at play. Watch when he is calm (something is working for him) and watch what happens BEFORE his rage begins. What appears to have triggered it? Why is he really angry? Compare this with other kids and how they behave and interact. The difference is the boundary between them and your son. There are a number of possibilities and it is good that you are on the ball enough to have had him assessed already. However, ANY assessment, especially in such a young kid, needs to be taken with a grain of salt. If your instinct says it's not a good fit or doesn't explain everything, then trust your instincts and keep asking questions and getting him tested. Keep all results, even the ones you don't agree with, because tucked away in there can be vital information later in his development. Example - difficult child 3, if assessed now for the first time ever, with no history taken into account, would get a diagnosis of Asperger's Syndrome. A snapshot taken now (in terms of his capabilities and presentation) would show his Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), his extreme anxiety, his high ability in some areas (savant skills) and the deficits in his social interactions. However, he is doing quite well socially at a fairly formal level. He's not so good at the more informal relaxed chat with kids his own age, but he's getting better fast. he is coming out with appropriate (and fast!) quips. In reality, he is definitely autistic. The reasons - he was non-verbal for the first few years. Not only non-verbal, but language itself seemed to be aclosed book. A kid who has lost the power of speech but who can still turn and look at you when he hears his name, and who can respond to instructions ("Put the cup on the bench") definitely has language capability, even if he doesn't have speech. But a child who cannot even comprehend instructions or respond to his own name - that is a child who doesn't have language. In difficult child 3's case, language did happen. It took time and I suspect he had to use a different part of his brain, the part that we use when we learn a second language, to learn the whole concept of communnication. But if that early history were not known, it would change his diagnosis. So although early diagnoses of difficult child 3 were wrong, included in there is vital testing results that can be put to good use in later assessments. But you need help with practicalities, with both kids. They each have their problems (whatever the diagnosis) and underneath it all, life for each of them is frustrating in different ways. You don't have to wait for a therapist or for a diagnosis, to put in some daily practical management which can help you all NOW. YOu need your fiance on board with this too, or he will rpaidly find himself the focus of a lot of hostility form both kids (you become "good cop, bad cop" if only one of you does this). What you need to do - acquaint yourselves, both of you, with "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene. It was a lifesaver for us, for so many of us on tis site. A few people have reported thta it didn't help them much if at all, but in general, most of us have found some amazing results. It's also a lot easier than many of the alternatives (and it is also an alternative to do nothing). You don't need charts with this, you don't need tables, graphs etc. You take form it what you feel can heklp and leave what can't. You can also be flexible and modify or adapt, as you feel you need to. But underpinning it all, is a different way of looking at the problems and a different approach to your child, especially achild who has a need for control in his/her life (which can happen, if the child feels life is out of control). You allow the child control, where it really doesn't matter to you. You also set the example to the child, of how you want the child to behave. No yelling, no 'standover' tactics (which so many parents use to great effect with most kids - and it didn't do US any harm!). Other adults around you may think you've gone mad, but this does work. You still keep the reins in your hand, but you slacken them off a bit and let the child (the horse in the harness) walk on at their own pace. You give informeation and l ead them to making their own decision. "We could go left, which will take us for a pretty walk but will mean we take much longer to get home, or we could go straight ahead to get home quickly but it's not such a pretty view. What would you like?" If you need to get home and don't want the risk that the child will opt for the longer walk, you could say, "If we get home quickly, we can do X, Y or Z. What would you like to do when we get home?" There is so much more to this, I've only given you a very quick example of a fragment of this. For a quick preview, go to Early Childhood and look at the stickies there on adapting Explosive Child to younger children. Then get the book out of the library, if you're reluctant to spend money on yet another "I've got just the book for you!" situation. If I bought every book recommended to me... I'd be broke and have no room in the house. But I did go out and buy this one. Keep us posted on how you go. And if your fiance wants to lurk here, or join - he won't be the only bloke. My husband is a quiet-ish regular here too. Marg [/QUOTE]
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