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Family of Origin
Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 674772" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>When I was posting on FOO a lot until several months ago, I found that I carried around a great deal of anger towards my mother. I came to see that I had lived a life almost neutering and defanging myself, to make myself less dangerous. </p><p></p><p>I knew I had learned to do that as a child, where fighting back, fighting for myself would have been intolerable. I loved my parents, and hated them. But I needed them. I decided to make myself less dangerous and powerful...to stay within the family I needed.</p><p></p><p>I am a passive and almost compliant person. A follower not a leader. I believe these personality characteristics are the result of these early decisions of a child to make herself into somebody her family could tolerate and therefore keep.</p><p></p><p>It was only until I was about 30, that I could break away from my family. But even then I could not do it alone.</p><p></p><p>I am coming to believe that the response of my family was to shun me. They would only accept me if I continued to be within the mold that I had formed under their influence. </p><p></p><p>It is hard for me to work through whether I really left them or they left me. Or if the condition of belonging was to tolerate anything they did (to me or around me). And if I did not, I did not belong. I am coming to believe it is that.</p><p></p><p>So how does that fit with Emma Solkowitz and Camille Paglia? I am not sure. Let me see if I can figure it out.</p><p></p><p>I believe I did construct a life and I did make a self. An autonomous personality. I continue to work on it. At a young age I decided to divest myself of my "bad memories" and make an identity well apart from it. </p><p></p><p>As Camille Paglia notes I learned how to defend myself some, I built upon my talents, I took risks, I found the joy I could. I learned.</p><p></p><p>I think I became somebody who has had a relatively full life. I see myself as somebody who is stronger and more complete than is the rest of my family. I see myself as having to the extent that I am able empowered myself, as Paglia describes</p><p></p><p>The confusion about shunning, who does it and why it happens. Did I do It? Am I doing it with my son, when I do not want to talk to him, when he is aggressive towards me? The relationship between no contact and shunning are interesting to me because of their subtle differences.</p><p></p><p>To shun is an aggressive and deliberate act--to hurt somebody. </p><p></p><p>To go no contact is a self-protective act, to protect oneself.</p><p></p><p>I guess I am saying that it is not necessarily easy to know which it is. Because sometimes people, like me, do not necessarily understand or want to accept their motives. Everything has two sides to it. And everybody has a bit of perpetrator and victim within them. What they seem on the outside, may be deeply hidden and defended against. The most docile and sweetest maiden may conceal a stiletto. The aggressive brute may conceal victimization. Motives and true feelings are not always what they seem. Even to ourselves.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 674772, member: 18958"] When I was posting on FOO a lot until several months ago, I found that I carried around a great deal of anger towards my mother. I came to see that I had lived a life almost neutering and defanging myself, to make myself less dangerous. I knew I had learned to do that as a child, where fighting back, fighting for myself would have been intolerable. I loved my parents, and hated them. But I needed them. I decided to make myself less dangerous and powerful...to stay within the family I needed. I am a passive and almost compliant person. A follower not a leader. I believe these personality characteristics are the result of these early decisions of a child to make herself into somebody her family could tolerate and therefore keep. It was only until I was about 30, that I could break away from my family. But even then I could not do it alone. I am coming to believe that the response of my family was to shun me. They would only accept me if I continued to be within the mold that I had formed under their influence. It is hard for me to work through whether I really left them or they left me. Or if the condition of belonging was to tolerate anything they did (to me or around me). And if I did not, I did not belong. I am coming to believe it is that. So how does that fit with Emma Solkowitz and Camille Paglia? I am not sure. Let me see if I can figure it out. I believe I did construct a life and I did make a self. An autonomous personality. I continue to work on it. At a young age I decided to divest myself of my "bad memories" and make an identity well apart from it. As Camille Paglia notes I learned how to defend myself some, I built upon my talents, I took risks, I found the joy I could. I learned. I think I became somebody who has had a relatively full life. I see myself as somebody who is stronger and more complete than is the rest of my family. I see myself as having to the extent that I am able empowered myself, as Paglia describes The confusion about shunning, who does it and why it happens. Did I do It? Am I doing it with my son, when I do not want to talk to him, when he is aggressive towards me? The relationship between no contact and shunning are interesting to me because of their subtle differences. To shun is an aggressive and deliberate act--to hurt somebody. To go no contact is a self-protective act, to protect oneself. I guess I am saying that it is not necessarily easy to know which it is. Because sometimes people, like me, do not necessarily understand or want to accept their motives. Everything has two sides to it. And everybody has a bit of perpetrator and victim within them. What they seem on the outside, may be deeply hidden and defended against. The most docile and sweetest maiden may conceal a stiletto. The aggressive brute may conceal victimization. Motives and true feelings are not always what they seem. Even to ourselves. COPA [/QUOTE]
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Another point of view on Shunning. And shunning vs. no contact
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