Another potential Newbie

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by DonnaFB, Mar 6, 2009.

  1. DonnaFB

    DonnaFB New Member

    It recently was suggested to my husband and myself that our daughter may be ODD. What news. Not good, not bad. Just news you don't ever want to hear. "There's something wrong with my baby? No, not my baby!" Was all I heard in my head that night.

    She's 5. She does well in school overall. She's only had 1 or 2 outbursts. Which I attribute to the structure the teacher provides. It's terrible at home. Structure is a word I need and my husband feels it's a bad thing. He was told that she needs structure. I've proven it time and time again.

    She physically lashes out at me often. It's scary because I have fibromyalgia which is physically painfull and challenging for me. She's going to really hurt me one of these days.

    What's really horrible is that the guilt I feel because I don't like her (when she's acting out) and don't want to be near her. Life waited so long to give me children and I don't want to be near her. What's wrong with me!

    I try not so feel those things often, nor say them frequently either. But it's the feelings I feel I am sad to say.

    I intend to find someone to assist us in completely determining whether or not it is ODD, or we're just bad parents. She deserves our full love and attention regardless of the painful outbursts. And I intend to give her that as best I can. I just need to vent I suppose.

    I don't want to discuss with anyone outside of our house until we have a game plan, I don't need their (his family) input and "opinions", and I'm sure he'll be happy to discuss it all with them. Am I wrong in wanting to determine the problem before I get unsolicited answers from them?

    I'm rambling, I'm sorry. But I appreciate the time.

    Thank you for all those who have posted prior, I'm learning more and more.
  2. SRL

    SRL Active Member

    Hi DonnaFB. Welcome to our forum.

    I know it's tough getting to the point where you decide you need to start looking for answers. Most of us here believe that at your point ODD isn't a final answers but means "you need to get to the bottom of why she's acting this way". Many of our kids here do have some neurological reason (sensory issues, mood disorders, etc) that explain the difficult behaviors. You'll want to start with your pediatrician but he/she will be more apt to give you referrals for the types of assessments needed if you do your homework first.

    A few questions:
    What's the mental health history of the family like?
    How's her speech? Any delays, or advanced adult-sounding speech?
    Is she extra sensitive to sensory information -lights, sounds, very picky about foods or clothes?
    Does she sleep well?

    You'll want to get a copy of the book The Explosive Child and read the thread about it at the top of this board.
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    Hi and Welcome! I am glad you are here, but very sorry you had to seek us out. You will find this is a group filled with love and support, ideas and information, and that we always try to help each other, even when we don't agree.

    I truly understand your feelings. My difficult child, Wiz, was very violent and it was mostly aimed at my daughter and I. I also have fibro and the violence was very scary. I can offer hope - it took a LOT of work and many years, but Wiz is now a person I enjoy very much. He lives nearby with my parents because he was beating me a few years ago. My parents asked if they could have custody of him as we were dealing with the violence in court. They have been a great help with him.

    He doesn't hurt anyone in any way that he can avoid, and is truly remorseful about hurting us and scaring us so many times.

    I STRONGLY encourage you to seek out tsting to figure out what is causing the ODD behavior. ODD is not often a "stand alone" diagnosis (diagnosis). ODD describes a set of behaviors but give very little input as to WHY the child is acting that way. I have seen ohter parents here with children who acted almost the same way my Wiz did, but for very different reasons. And the same treatment the other kid(s) got actually made MY kid worse. So you can't just rely on ODD to lead you to the right sources and kinds of help.

    Many here seek out a neuropsychologist to test their child and try to pinpoint the RIGHT diagnosis or set of diagnoses. Often our kids' problems become more clear as they mature, so be prepared for the diagnosis to change. Sadly, there is no exact science to tell us what is wrong. Happily, after finding out what is going on, and why, many times the ODD behavior changes.

    You might also get help from a developmental pediatrician, psychiatrist (psychiatrist) - the one with the MD, and various therapists (tdocs) - psychologists, social workers, etc...

    If you go to the FAQ/Board Help section of this forum you will see threads about how to make a signature (like at the bottom of my response), all the abbreviations we use, and there is a thread on a Parent Report.

    The Parent Report is a way to organize all the info and knowledge that you have about your child. It is outlined adn explained in the thread about it. It helps you answer all those questions on the forms at the doctor's office, keep all the reports and issues documented, and lets you give info to the docs about your child.

    Welcome and Hugs, I am glad you joined us!
  4. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    Hi Donna! I see you're in NJ. Why not check with Robert Wood Johnson hospital and see about a neuropsychologist evaluation for her? In my experience, ODD is getting to be a "what the hell, let's call it ODD" when they don't know what's going on. Don't let anyone call you bad parents either. If you were, you'd deny that she had a problem and would ignore it - or even better still, blame EVERYONE ELSE for her outbursts.

    The newbie (we have a 2 month old) is yelling so I've gotta go, but chin up! We're a good crew here!

  5. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Welcome. I also believe that ODD doesn't stand alone. IF she needs a lot of structure, there is probably some disorder going on that can be helped. But you have to get her evaluated by somebody good--I recommend a neuropsychologist.
  6. massmumma

    massmumma New Member

    I am new to the forum too. My daughter is also 5. She also does very well in school I know exactly how you feel. I always say I love her but I don't like her very much. Except when she is good which is a rare occassion. I absolutly cherish the times when she is good and then I dismiss the issues she obviously has because I don't want anything to be wrong with my baby girl. I haven't sought any professional help yet either. I somehow feel like it is my fault. Maybe I am not consitent enough. Maybe I did this to her. The more I read about ODD, I feel like it points to the parents. I never really thought I was a bad parent but now I am second guessing everything I have done.
  7. Desperate Sister

    Desperate Sister Not a parent

    My sister will try to hit me or my mom sometimes. Real frustrating. And painful (emotionally and sometimes physically). Sometimes I have hit her back (definitely not good, lol).
  8. midwestdad

    midwestdad Lost

    You should NOT feel guilty for the feelings you are having. If you have someone around you that whacks you (or bites, or threatens, or whatever) on a regular basis, you aren't going to like them very much. Anybody who claims otherwise, in my opinion, is lying. I regularly want to be on a different continent from mine if they are being difficult.
  9. seajan

    seajan New Member

    I am also new here. My boy is 5 and I have felt so alone. He has been going to a counslor for almost a year now. She finally said today that he needs a referral to another doctor for medication. All they know right now is it is a mood disorder. I love him with all my heart but I cringe everytime I am left at home with him. He hits me spits at me and yells. I do know how you feel.