I was going to just update my other post about husband's seeing M again, but I can't figure out how to edit the title line, so I'm starting a new thread. husband delivered M's new clothes for the job interview that's set tomorrow. I told husband that if he is going to commit to this, he needs to take responsibility for follow through. "Yeah, but he didn't know that he had the job interview until today!" I reminded him that we all knew that M needed a job, and that he knew that M needed clothes for an interview several weeks ago and he should have followed up with it instead of leaving the inevitable to the last moment for me to deal with. He agreed, and told me that he would contact M every week or two to keep on top of it, and act (or not if it's not reasonable to do so) on what's needed in a timely manner. M did hear from husband's work that his application for the job was in the second part of the process and he will be hearing from them. That's encouraging, because they weed out the "no go's" pretty vigorously. He may well get an interview. I did talk to M on the phone a couple of weeks ago. He was going on about how he was going to figure out how to get on disability. I wasn't impressed. He's capable of working, but it's hard to find a job when you've been playing video games and smoking dope for the past three years, I guess. He also, I'm sure, figured out that it takes 6 months after approval to get your first check. M told husband yesterday that he missed having a family, (he also is sleeping on someone's couch and doesn't know where he'll live next week) and realizes that he behaved like a stupid teenager to us. Actually, it was quite a bit more than that. M was thankful and grateful for the clothes and cash. husband said that he thought that M sounded more mature, but agreed that he might be better at BS than he was before. My thought is that I need to see something more than a kid who is hungry and poor and regrets where his choices have brought him. I need to see a person who actually wants to change and is taking action on that. I know he's not going to be the man I want him to be any time soon, but I need more than what I have seen and heard so far. I think that like many of us here, I have an incredible sense of guilt for not knowing how to make him happy. Yes, I know that I did the best I could, and that there was a point in time (very early in his development, actually) where he became more autonomous and despite the therapy and treatment and chances he chose not to be happy. But we're moms and we want to know how to fix it. In all honesty, not being around him for this long period of time has made our lives easier. Too easy, probably. But I'm still not jumping in. I have to preface what I am going to say by explaining that when M was in the Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when he was 16, I wrote him a long letter explaining what I remember about his life, my shortcomings as a mother, and apologized for specific and general mistakes that I had made. I told him that I wanted him to be happy and would do anything possible to help him find happiness. Anything except say I had abused him, which I had not, and which he was accusing me of. He knew it was a hot button issue for me, and it was unusually cruel to do that to me. Instead, he just kept it up. husband was to have dealt with M from then on, but instead, he buried his head in the sand, as per usual. About Bishop Tutu. I don't have a problem admitting mistakes or asking for forgiveness. I've had a hard time deciding why it is that I have a hard time forgiving, though. I saw Bishop Tutu being interviewed by Bill Moyers the other night about a book he had written about South Africas Truth and Reconciliation Commission. He talked about the horrible things that people had suffered, and how much admiration he had for the people that forgave their tormentors. Bill Moyers asked him "How do you forgive someone who has tortured you and your family? How do you move on?" Bishop Tutu told him that forgiving is one party's part of the process, and that when you forgive, you can either move on with or without the other party. He likened the harmed as being inside a house with the windows and doors shuttered and locked, and the perpetrator as being outside not even looking in. When you forgive that person, you open the doors and windows to that person. If the person you are forgiving says "Well, thanks", or nothing at all, they are walking away from the building and you have nothing to regret or worry about and you get to move on without them. Or the other person says "I'm sorry that I did (x), and that it hurt you. I won't do it again." Then that person is forgiven, and you are healed, and you can both move on. They have gone into the house of forgiveness and you have welcomed them. You don't have to be their friend. But it's the "forget" part of "forgive and forget" that I could never figure out. Throughout my adult life I have really invested myself when I forgive the people who were the most unforgivable. Those are the things I don't want to live with every day. And without fail (until very recently and that's another story) they have said "I'm not sorry for what I did because I got what I wanted and the ends justified the means." M's response has always been "You know I never say I'm sorry for anything I have ever done because I never regret anything." The way I look at it, whatever it is that M is feeling or wanting or doing, my doors and windows have been open for years. As of yet, he's just walked back into the neighborhood and is watching the house from afar. He hasn't looked in the windows or tried to walk in by offering an apology. And I am still moving on. He can choose to join the journey if he wants, but I don't see that yet. The ball is in his court, and for once I understand that and feel comfortable with letting him do with it what he will. He turned in his "free family pass" a long time ago. If he wants a family pass, he has to earn it, this time.