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Another vent! I cannot stand him sometimes...
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<blockquote data-quote="pepperidge" data-source="post: 329934" data-attributes="member: 2322"><p>Agee,</p><p></p><p>I hear you. All the way out here in the boonies.</p><p></p><p>He sounds so much like my younger. I suspect that you are dealing with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and maybe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) too.</p><p></p><p>What have I learned? One that is very diffcult to medicate these kids. So good luck on that front.</p><p></p><p>Two, that they suffer a great deal from an inability to regulate their emotions. Which is similar to, but not the same as, bipolar type disorder. </p><p></p><p>And three, Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids typically exhibit what is called dysmaturity--in many respects they are years behind their peers in certain respects--usually having to do with capacity to regulate their behavior. </p><p></p><p>We just went to a talk on Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). What the presenter stressed was that if parents/teachers expect that these children can behave like their peers the will inevitably react negatively to the child. These children CAN'T behave any better than they are. So you have to deal with them as if they are two year olds or whatever. Which is very difficult because of course they are not. But if you can recognize and live with the immaturity and redirect rather than punish or react negatively, you won't get the secondary consequences that occur when one always reacts negatively to children who can't do any better than they are. Some of the problems that these kids have down the line are a result of low self esteem, the constant feeling of picked on, etc, rather than the initial disability itself. Hope that makes sense.</p><p></p><p>It definitely stinks. It is as you said so much work, and so much unrewarding work. And it is so hard to disengage and not let your buttons be pushed. I would guess that maybe I am at about 50% success rate. And that's an improvement! </p><p></p><p>I would urge you to maintain as many of your outside interests and committment as you can handle because they will help you maintain you sanity. One thing we have done is look for ways that my son can be successful and to hire outside help. For example, he is in band but has trouble organizing himself to practice. We hire a high school student to tutor him, it is a positive experience, good role model and my son tends to behave better with </p><p>outsiders. I have an hour "free", and we both end up feeling good. The trick is to find good people to interact with your son in ways that are calming and validating. </p><p></p><p>One thing we have found with my son is that we often absent ourselves if he is being abusive. As you describe, he often doesn't even realize after the fact what he has said. I have learned the very hard way that the angrier I get when he is angry the more things deteriorate. </p><p></p><p>I guess my final thought is that if there is an element of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to his behavior then there are some specialized therapeutic interventions I believe. I don't know anything about that. I would however press your psychiatrist--if they are not well versed in treating Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids I would try to get a referral to a university hospital or somewhere where they are used to dealing with such children. IF you are dealing with such issues, I think you may find that medications might help some of the worst of the symptoms but that you are probably not going to find as much help on the medication front as you would if you had a bipolar child. Just my experience.</p><p></p><p>Good luck. Find someway to do something positive for yourself each day. We have gone through some very difficult years, but things are better in many ways than they were. In my darkest days, I considered running away, I was sure my marriage was not going to survive my children and that the stress was definitely reducing my longevity. We still have meltdowns on a daily basis, but there has been some maturity. </p><p></p><p>Best of luck. Let us know what your docs say. </p><p></p><p>P.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="pepperidge, post: 329934, member: 2322"] Agee, I hear you. All the way out here in the boonies. He sounds so much like my younger. I suspect that you are dealing with Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) and maybe Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) too. What have I learned? One that is very diffcult to medicate these kids. So good luck on that front. Two, that they suffer a great deal from an inability to regulate their emotions. Which is similar to, but not the same as, bipolar type disorder. And three, Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids typically exhibit what is called dysmaturity--in many respects they are years behind their peers in certain respects--usually having to do with capacity to regulate their behavior. We just went to a talk on Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE). What the presenter stressed was that if parents/teachers expect that these children can behave like their peers the will inevitably react negatively to the child. These children CAN'T behave any better than they are. So you have to deal with them as if they are two year olds or whatever. Which is very difficult because of course they are not. But if you can recognize and live with the immaturity and redirect rather than punish or react negatively, you won't get the secondary consequences that occur when one always reacts negatively to children who can't do any better than they are. Some of the problems that these kids have down the line are a result of low self esteem, the constant feeling of picked on, etc, rather than the initial disability itself. Hope that makes sense. It definitely stinks. It is as you said so much work, and so much unrewarding work. And it is so hard to disengage and not let your buttons be pushed. I would guess that maybe I am at about 50% success rate. And that's an improvement! I would urge you to maintain as many of your outside interests and committment as you can handle because they will help you maintain you sanity. One thing we have done is look for ways that my son can be successful and to hire outside help. For example, he is in band but has trouble organizing himself to practice. We hire a high school student to tutor him, it is a positive experience, good role model and my son tends to behave better with outsiders. I have an hour "free", and we both end up feeling good. The trick is to find good people to interact with your son in ways that are calming and validating. One thing we have found with my son is that we often absent ourselves if he is being abusive. As you describe, he often doesn't even realize after the fact what he has said. I have learned the very hard way that the angrier I get when he is angry the more things deteriorate. I guess my final thought is that if there is an element of Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) to his behavior then there are some specialized therapeutic interventions I believe. I don't know anything about that. I would however press your psychiatrist--if they are not well versed in treating Fetal Alcohol Effects (FAE) kids or Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) kids I would try to get a referral to a university hospital or somewhere where they are used to dealing with such children. IF you are dealing with such issues, I think you may find that medications might help some of the worst of the symptoms but that you are probably not going to find as much help on the medication front as you would if you had a bipolar child. Just my experience. Good luck. Find someway to do something positive for yourself each day. We have gone through some very difficult years, but things are better in many ways than they were. In my darkest days, I considered running away, I was sure my marriage was not going to survive my children and that the stress was definitely reducing my longevity. We still have meltdowns on a daily basis, but there has been some maturity. Best of luck. Let us know what your docs say. P. [/QUOTE]
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Another vent! I cannot stand him sometimes...
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