Antisocial Personality Disorder Diagnosis of my 18 year old son

[asldogs]

Hello, I just joined this site and still learning how to navigate and find what I need. I am looking for other parents who have had to deal with oppositional/defiant behaviors. My son just turned 18 and had a psychiatric evaluation with diagnosis of antisocial personality disorder. Ive been reading and talking to professionals, to learn this is a heartbreaking diagnosis for the parent.
He is fitting the profile and we have reach a threshold. I have asked him to move out and he is/will force it to the point of me needing to have him escorted out. He is not physically violent but is verbally abusive, so I dont have any fear for my own safety. Any advise or personal stories to offer?

single adoptive mom: asldogs

 

[Hound dog]

Welcome to the family asldogs

You've landed in the right place.

Since your son has had a psychiatric evaluation, is he doing treatment of any kind? I'm wondering how you were able to get him to cooperate with that evaluation as so many in his age group refuse to cooperate. Good Job!

There have been many of our kids who have required to be escorted out of the nest. While it's not wonderful to go through, often it is necessary, especially if there is any sort of abuse (verbal or physical) going on. That you son has never been physical before is good........but there is always a first time, and sometimes verbal abuse can lead to it, not that verbal abuse can't be hard enough to put it with alone.

Best advice I can think of is for you to first and always remember you're now dealing with an adult, even if he's acting out like a 2 yr old complete with temper tantrums and the like. Since he's an adult your options are limited. You can't make him do a darn thing. You can, however, control what you will/won't put up with in both your life and in your own home. I suggest, if you haven't already done so, to sit down and write out the house rules for what seems fair for an adult living in your home. (not your child, view is as it would be any adult living in your home) Then match those up with consequences you are sure you can follow through and live with. And stick to your guns.

Next piece of advice: education, learn all you can about treatments, the diagnosis itself, ect. It will help you cope, help you to guide should he be open to it at some point, help you to know what to expect ect.

It helps us to offer suggestions ect if we have more info to go on, behavior background ect. And trust me.........you most likely aren't going to shock us, nor will we judge you.

Looking forward to getting to know you.

(((hugs)))

 

[Nancy]

Welcome. Another adoptive mom here dealing with a 19 year old who has been defiant since she learned how to talk. I'm curious when you first started noticing the defiant behaviors with your son and when you realized it was more than normal kid behavior. Also do you have nay background info on his birthparents?

Nancy

 

[elizabrary]

I have had to learn to deal with my daughter in a very business-like manner. Everything has to be exactly spelled out- here's what I will do for you, here's what I won't do for you, here's what you must do to get x(whatever it is she wants from me). It's hard because she is my daughter and I just want to relax and have fun with her, but it's impossible. Also, whenever she talks disrespectfully to me or tries to argue I cut her off. I literally hang up on her, walk away, whatever. That has worked well with her so it doesn't happen as frequently any more. She knows now that I just won't listen to it.

Welcome- you've found a great place!

 

[asldogs]

Thank you for your reply! It is helpful to read and hear support and understanding from other experienced parents.

Yes, my son has been in therapy ever since I adopted him 6 years ago. However, now that he is expected to go on his own, he has chosen to skip the appointments and go skate boarding or sit at home texting instead. I use to take him but I work an hour away now and he is old enough to get to his appointment on his own, but has blown them off. Today is the appointment to discuss how and where his options are to move out. He just sent me a text letting me know he is not going and he is not moving out.

I have given him the requirements to continue living with me. They were verbalized AND written down on notebook, still displayed daily on the kitchen table. 1) get a job or daily volunteer 2) talk to me with respect and consideration 3) join the summer swim team, something he said he wanted to do again 3) do his daily chore schedule without being told. I dont think that is alot to ask, but he has not accomplished any of the above in the last three weeks.

As an adopted son, he has always presented challenges but has always been able to work through them, learn from them and express remorse. About 6 months ago, I noticed a change. He has stolen from family friends (laptops, cigarettes, bluetooth, money) He has increased lies and withholding of truth. Verbal abuse, very mean hurtful cussing comments. leaves home without telling me where and with who. Refuses to communicate any of this, saying "I'm 18 now and I have a life." He just turned 18 May 9. He is not graduating from high school. Too many failed courses and has refused to make up any in two years. He had opportunity to use computer program to make up failed credits but never did, so now he will not graduate and does not have a diploma. I could go on and on... but the biggest most serious change I've noticed, is the lack of remorse. That is when I asked his therapist to do another evaluation. He had not had one since before I adopted him.

The diagnosis of Antisocial Personality Disorder is a disturbing diagnosis. Not a good prognosis, because part of the profile is they dont think they need to change. they blame everyone else and think they are fine. Therefore, usually dont seek treatment or therapy. My son has begun to behave exactly like the profile. I have read and talked to professionals, trying to educate myself as much as possible. I think I know quite a bit about the diagnosis but what I dont feel confident about is how does a parent continue to love and support an adult child with this diagnosis? What is the best way to interact and communicate with him? Obviously, stay calm and emotionally detached... which I am able to do now. Actually, learning about his diagnosis has helped realize it is not me, I now am able to NOT take his behavior personally.

So... back to my original question... how does a parent prepare to "kick" out her son? He will push me to the point of needing to have him escorted out. I know it. He will not leave on his own. but I am determined! He will leave! I have reached my threshold! I can't continue to lock things up in my bedroom... I can't trust anything he says to me... etc. I told him he is my son and he will always be my son, but I can not tolerate living with him anymore unless he makes some major changes. Those changes are not happening and I predict they will not happen for another several years, IF ever.

asldogs

 

[CrazyinVA]

Welcome to the boards, this is a wonderful source of support.

I have to mention that your comment of his behavior changing abruptly 6 months ago set off red flags for me, especially since one of the new behaviors is stealing. Have you considered that it may be related to drug use/abuse? Has he been drug tested? That certainly could exacerbate already existing emotional and/or mental health issues. Of course, that doesn't change the fact that if he will not change his behavior, he can no longer live in your home. I hope you can get him out of there peacefully. I'm one whose child (Oldest) was escorted out with the police when they finally left. It was a very difficult time. If it is drugs, however, you might want to educate yourself in that area as well, and maybe get involved with Alanon or Naranon. Both are wonderful support organizations.

 

[elizabrary]

Give him a written "eviction" notice which tells him when he must be out by. Since you have already told him I would make it a short time- like 2 weeks. In the notice spell out exactly what you are prepared to do and STICK TO IT. Personally I would say you need to be out by x date. If you are not out by then I will call the police to escort you out. Your belongings will be held until x date then I will donate them to charity. Change the locks on the eviction date and if he tries to return you must call the police and charge him with trespassing. Be prepared for him to up the ante, which is very common with these kids. Once you actually stick to your word they get all kinds of crazy- screaming, threatening, trying to break in, calling over and over and over (my daughter has done this one a lot). They will also start playing sympathy card- telling you they have no place to go, are hungry, etc. When I have gone down this road with my daughter it is best for me to have no contact with her. I don't answer when she calls and I erase the messages without listening to them. This is a very stressful and difficult time to get through. Good luck and jump on here when you need to!

 

[CrazyinVA]

One additional comment re eviction: be sure you contact your local police department to check on the laws in your area. Here, you have to go through a formal eviction process with the court: file notice, have them served, give them 30 days to get out. The police unfortunately are not likely to escort him out unless it's a formal process. In my case, they escorted Oldest out only because she was violent towards me and she agreed to voluntarily leave instead of being charged after she resisted them and was tackled in my utility room and handcuffed :/ She didn't try to come back.

The good news is, that was 8 years ago. She's doing really well these days

 

[compassion]

Families anon is also an excellent resource. (TABW online) Some areas have f2f groups. Nami is also a good support. Compassion

 

[asldogs]

His birth mom was a addicted to alcohol and cocaine. His birth father is unknown. His birth mom has been in and out of rehab. Recently learned that she has been sober, but dont know for how long. At Christmas time, we took a trip back to maine (where we lived for 4 years and where I adopted him from). He stole two laptops from two different family friends. He had stolen from me in the past but never from anyone else, that I am aware of. It shocked everyone that knows him. I ve been trying to watch for any evidence of drugs but have not seen anything. I know there are pills and such nowadays that would not be blantantly obvious... I dont think he is involved in drugs... but is always possible. He has the "addiction gene". I suspect he is addicted to sex/porn/love/attention.... and sugar.

 

[asldogs]

Update: My son has begun to improve his behavior just yesterday and today.... I am cautious and doubtful it will continue consistently. His communication has been much better and he has begun to look for a job, albeit very unrealistic. He found a record music recording studio online and sent them an email. He applied to a freelance writing job from Monster.jobs site. We talked about freelance vs a daily reliable job. We talked about possible scam with the music recording studio. He still has not done any household chores in over two weeks. He still has not joined the swim team, as was promised and expected. He refused to go to his therapy appointment today... again. He has until next Thursday to consistently complete ALL of the expectations before he can continue to live with me.


Those of you with experience... were you alone when the police escorted him/her out? Was anyone successful in getting him to leave without the police? Would asking family friends to come and be with me while he leaves be helpful? He wont plan the move, he is in denial and thinks I wont really force it.

 

[Star*]

asldogs:

Welcome.

Your son was diagnosis with ASPD. Without intense life-long therapy, there is not going to be any "improvement" to his behaviors. There will be moments in his days when he will "do to get" but it will be more of a shallow, narcissistic, need-driven, self-serving type of behavior most of the parents here have not experienced because most have not dealt with true Anti-Social Personality Disorder. Those of us that have? Will be flat out and warn you to be OVERLY cautious, because ASPD's can (depending on child hood traumas, injuries at times in their lives to their brains) can lead to Sociopaths or Psychopaths. ASPD is a disorder, that can be helped, but most of those affected will NOT continue with therapy. It's a shame too, because like Conduct Disorder - it's a 'disorder'. It's just a lot more progressive and I am really sorry that he's gotten to that point. I'm sorry for you too.

As far as getting him out of your house and calling the police? It could go either way. We didn't have to use the cops - but we did take him to the bus station and bought his ticket - ANYWHERE he wanted to go and a pre paid phone card, a bag of snacks, packed him a lunch and sayonara. He came back, and it was hades in happyville. So we dipped once again and bought one more ticket and he hasn't been back. Now it's just happyville. Actually for us it's been a lot better, but we did boatloads of counseling that everyone was sure didn't stick - and we're optimistic it's finally working. However if you must use police? I think I'd go to the station and talk with them and get a game plan together first. Because - (just thinking outside the box) IF you push an ASPD - they push back and they don't just push back a little - they GET you back. So while you are trying to be reasonable? He may take out your car winshield, the neighbors may get involved - and then you have jail time, property damage, potential physical harm, it just depends on who is in their way. What you want to do is get him OUT, and get him GONE - not have him out, and have to pay for damages, have neighbors involved and possibly waste your time going to MORE court poopoo. Out, Gone, Done. So think about how it is you can accomplish this -

Another thought that comes to mind is that if you push ASPD's too hard? Retribution. He feels nothing about coming back and setting your house on fire. You wronged him, he's gonna get you back. Again, I elude to the "Gosh hon - Haven't you got any friends in Hawaii? We'd love for you to see Tokyo, How about Jamaica - you could get in touch with your Bob Marley roots!" Their narcissistic side and lazy streak is very well suited for warmer climates, beaches, and beach bum life. I'd push the couch surfing friend angle, and let it be HIS idea in a round about way, but fund his dream. Whatever it takes to GET.HIM. OUT. peaceably. THEN if that doesn't work? By all means - In your best Amityville voice - GET OUT. By that time I think it goes beyond a test of wills you're just running on raw emotions and you'll take your chances on the retribution 101.

Not to sound all doomsy I'll tell you this. There is hope and I do know for a fact that if your son were to accept help? He could live a better life, and a lot of what his anger stems from isn't all genetic so he'll get no pass from this board auntie on the genetic pity wagon. Adoptees have this "unknown" thing, anger, subconscious thing that nags at them and grows, and just grows and tells them things for years and by the time they get to be his age? It's so huge and so depressing, and angry? He has NO idea what to do with it, because he doens't even know it's there. But it's rolled into this huge ball -----and some of it - IS the ASPD, not all of it - but some of it. and the worst part is - no one even knew it was there. You figure - loving home, great Mom - all should be well - and no one ever thinks to fix all that anger - cause no one even knows it exists. If he was ever EVER going to consider talking to anyone about anything? I'd have him talk to a guy -who deals with adoptees. just to pick around in his subconscious....not about anything else .....and I bet a lot of why he's so blasted angry would come out......about junk he has no clue he's even angry about. I know this - because it was 1/2 the reason I had anger without reason, made bad choices in my life. It was werid to say the least, and I'm not saying at all that it is any kind of cure forASPD - but what I'm saying is - if he gets a thearpist who has dealt with criminals mostly - and has knowledge of anger management? Then talks about adoption? I bet you he'll feel a lot better. Just a guess - but I' am telling him and you - I feel certain he'd feel lighter - and never know what hit him. Maybe even better enough to go on and deal with other junk. Again - just a guess.

Anyway - talked enough -

Take care - Hugs
Star

 

[susiestar]

Star's wisdom is excellent. She truly has experience many of us do NOT. PLEASE be aware that during the process of getting them out of your home and/or away from you, an abuser is the MOST dangerous. They sense their control over you is slipping and they are quite likely to do extraordinary things. Make double darn sure that your son knows that if ANYTHING happens to you, even a hangnail, that you WILL press charges. And I would leave a letter with someone that you trust stating that he has ASPD and has been abusive to you for a long time and if anything happens to you the authorities need to take a long, hard look at him. I am NOT exaggerating. It seems melodramatic, but with someone with aspd you just cannot be too careful. The decent into becoming a sociopath is just too fast. Some people say that aspd means they are sociopaths - that there is not difference. I do NOT know if this is true, but I guess it depends on how you use those words.

Find out what the police will do to help. You are going to need them. IF he damages anything you can have him arrested for destruction of property and then offer to drop the charges if he will just GO. Be SURE to change the locks that same night - all of them. Keep the windows locked at all times. If you have a security system, change it. If you have a garage door opener, get it back from him, keep the door to the garage LOCKED at all times, and if he still gets in through the garage door, find out how to change the frequency it uses. Sadly there are only a few different frequencies for all the garage openers made, like five of them. Not kidding. Used to have a blast driving up and down neighborhoods watching doors open and close - and I will NEVER have one of those openers on my home!

When he cries no where to go, hungry, whatever, give him a list of shelters and soup kitchens and food pantries. Just google your area and homeless shelter, and your area and soup kitchens. Make a list on the computer, print a couple of copies and every time he tries that **** he gets a copy of the list. He will find friends to sponge off of, and if you are tough enough, eventually he might even find a job and make a life.

But YOU have to go live YOUR life. Get involved in something that interests you. go and do things. Keep your home locked up tight, your cars too. If he damges any property - call the cops. Have your neighbors do the same. What he does is NOT your responsibility any more. period. If you pay for his phone, clothes, anything, that needs to stop. If youw ant to talk to him often, keep the phone activated, or give him a cheap pay as you go phone and a card with some minutes. Be aware that if you are paying for ANYTHINg he will believe that he can get you to pay for EVERYTHING. And he will try to bully you into it. So cutting the money totally is a much better things for your safety.

Iknow when my parents finally tossed my gfgbro out it was terribly hard on them. He joined the army because he knew he couldn't live the way he wanted on what he could earn - esp as he was totally unwilling to work a regular job where you have a boss that tells you what to do and how to do it and you have to be there at a certain timea nd stay to a certain time. Not sure why he thought the Army would not be like that, lol, but he lasted two years. I hope that you can get him out safely (for both of you) and then you can go and find things you enjoy to do wtih yourself.

 

[toughlovin]

Welcome asldogs....sorry you had to find us. I can totally relate to what you are going through. My son is 19.... he was diagnosed as ODD when he was 15 and has not had a psychiatric evaluation since... I just looked up Antisocial personality disorder and he certainly fits the criteria for that now. At this point I don't think with him a diagnosis matters much.. he is 19 and what happens in his life is up to him. We will give him love and support but absolutely need to have clear boundaries to protect ourselves and his sister from his shenanigans.

I do wonder if your son has a drug problem. I know mine does and that always made things much much worse. He has a much better chance at having a productive life if he is sober.....which currently he says he is.

Anyway back to how to get him to leave. When our son was 18 we were in a similar situation. He was breaking all the rules and they were minimal rules, things you would expect of anyone living in your home. We told him he had to obey the rules and we would give him 2 weeks or he would have to move out. He started to threaten me and said he would not leave and if we called the police he would run into the woods until they left and then he would come back. He had done this once before so thought he was all set. Oh gosh it was awful.

What I did was went up to my room and cried, and then got dressed and calmly left the house. I went to the police station and talked to one of the officers. I basically asked them just to arrive at an agreed upon time and then we would give our son a no tresspass order. In the state we live in that is enough to keep him out of the house. So that is what happened. They arrived at noon. My son had no idea they were coming and the shades were closed in the room he was in so he did not see them drive up. We let them in and they went in and talked to him. He did not have a chance to run. They told him we were no tresspassing him and he had to leave. They followed him up to his room to pack a couple of things, let him make a phone call. He started to get nasty to me and the cop stepped right in and told him to cut it out that was no way to talk to his mother. Then they drove him away and dropped him off in the center of town where a friend picked him up.

Was if awful for me. Yes. I was heartbroken we had to do this but we had to do it. I realized that he was not learning anything by living at home and breaking all the rules and getting away with it.... and unfortunately (or fortunately) for him he had to learn the hard way that this is not going to work in society. After several arrests he landed in jail. He discovered he really hated jail. We did help him at this point get a lawyer and he made a plea, which included pleaing to a felony, but did end up going to rehab out of state. He did get clean at that point and did some good work. He is now back in the area but not living with us. He did get a job and is trying to figure things out. I don't know what will happen but it is absolutely clear to me that for my daughters sake he cannot under any circumstances live with us. by the way both of my kids are also adopted, which I think creates some of its own issues for kids.... so whatever you are going through is not your fault... especially since it sounds like you adopted your son when he was older!!!

So my advice is to go to the police and talk to them about the situation and find out what your options are. This happens more than you think and this is not the first time the police have have had to deal with this kind of situation. My other piece of advice is that once you do make your son leave your home, try and keep communication with him open. I got this advice and it helped me a lot. So when our son left of course he was angry. I started sending him texts here and there with of course no response... but when he got in trouble he did call us. I wanted him to know i love him and am there for him BUT there are limits to what I will do. That is where we are now... we are in contact, I am willing to help in certain ways BUT not in other ways. I will not let him take advantage of us, abuse us, and he absolutely cannot live with us. I feel a lot more peace with him not living here. I don't want to go back to that ever again. I have found a parents alanon group which has been hugely helpful so you might look into that also. Hang in there, you are not alone.

 

[asldogs]

Thank you so very much everyone for your replies!! I am surprised to find so many similar stories and that you actually read and take the time to respond to my posts. I can't tell you how much I am appreciating reading your stories.

Update: Graduation came and went, without my son walking. He did not graduate. Last I heard, the principal was letting him sit at the computer making up failed credits on a special Nova Net program. I have not seen nor talked to my son since Friday morning before school. He eventually sent a text telling me he was staying over with his buddy Gage, who I don't know and never met. Saturday started and went by, just got another text from son telling me he is staying over again. My reply? "Talk to Gage about staying permanently. you will be moving out by next weekend." I had planned to wait for him to come home, tell him to sit and offer to support his move with start up money to buy groceries, bus ticket to where ever he wanted to go, help pack and/or store his things.... but he needed to start planning and preparing for moving out. I left today for the afternoon and locked the house up tight. I found his house key in his wallet and took it. He has no key to the house. I made plans tomorrow and will lock up the house again. I was planning to go talk to the police on Tuesday after the holiday, but now I'm thinking I should go talk to them tomorrow?

ASLdogs
Me... 59 yrs old
Son...ASPD 18 yr. adopted when he was 11
3 dogs and 1 cat

I adopted my son because I was loosing my immediate family and never married. My mother and brother had passed away. My father and I were the only ones left. He and my son developed a nice bond before dad died two years ago. My son and I had bonded quickly after adoption and had always presented challenges but he always was able to talk about them and express remorse. 6-8 months ago he began to refuse to talk about his challenging behaviors and started showing no remorse. Even when he got one of his many girlfriends pregnant and had an abortion at the age of 15.

 

[elizabrary]

Good for you asl- I would talk to the police asap so you know where you stand. I know this is very hard. I don't know if you know about "detachment" which we talk about frequently on here, but it sounds like you are headed in the right direction with it, which is a very good thing. If you don't know much about it I think there are lots of posts on here about detachment, so you can start learning about it and working on it. I am a work in progress when it comes to my detachment, but every day it gets a little better. I'm glad you are making plans to stay busy because your son may very well start acting crazy since you told him he has to be out. I'm sorry he didn't graduate. My daughter barely did by doing the Nova Net stuff. And she is very intelligent, just no common sense. Stay strong in what you have told him. I think it gets hard here when/if you talk to them because they start the sad stories of no place to go, no food, yadda, yadda. I just don't talk to my daughter during these times because it's healthier for me. I spend lots of time with my dogs, and I see you have 3 as well, so they will keep you busy and keep your spirits up! Keep moving forward and focus on you!

 

[BusynMember]

Hi.
I wish I could offer you advice on how to evict him, but I can't. I do offer empathy, however, We also adopted an 11 year old boy. in my opinion that's just too old...the child has already been damaged and is unlikely to be repaired. My son lasted here for three years before we found out he was sexually abusing the two younger children (he sure put on an act as a NICE kid to all adults and my younger two children were scared t death of him. They never told the "secret" until he was gone).

This child, after he was out of the house, was diagnosed with severe reactive attachment disorder. Most likely he was drug and alcohol affected even before he was born since his birthmother was a serious drug/alcohol abuser and surely didn't stop just because she was pregnant. So there was some brain damage there. Then he went bouncing from one foster home to another, never feeling any roots, developing no ability to attach. By the time we got him, we had a really smooth con artist who knew how adults wanted him to behave while tormenting children and even killing animals. Without a doubt this child had ASPD before he left at thirteen. Attachment disorder is pretty much the same as ASPD. The scary part was how charming he could be

I know how hard it is and hope it goes more smoothly than you expect.

Huggles!!

 

[mrsammler]

Call your local police station and tell them that you're planning to evict him and ask them about the legalities surrounding that. I was shocked to discover that in NC, you can't just evict someone who's been living in your home on any day you like--you've got to give him 30 days' notice, just as you would a renter, and he can remain in your home until that final day. Shocking but true. So find out what you need to know and do and then follow the legal process, or at least know it. (You can always just throw him out and trust that he doesn't know the state's technical requirements about this, nor is resourceful enough to look into it--police have told me that most parents can evict an adult child any time they like, simply because the kid will never bother to discover the legal technicalities involved--you just can't involve the police in the eviction, as they will have to abide by the legal requirements.)

Give him 30 days' notice. If a child of mine told me he would *refuse* to leave if/when I told him to, I'd literally toss him out on his bum that very minute--that's just maddeningly unacceptable. Good luck.

 

[asldogs]

I chose to adopt my son because his record and social worker expressed the least amount of challenges compared to all the other kids I was considering. He was taken away from his birth mom at age 7 or 8 by his bio grandmother. He had structure nuturing and good home with grandma for about 3 years before she asked the state to take him into fostercare. He moved out and into a group home when I met him. His grandma is still very actively involved in our lives, from a different state. My son does not display any physical abuse or violence, but can be very verbally abusive. I do worry about him damaging property or stealing for revenge. I do worry that he is gradually headed into that dark place of drugs, alcohol, sex addiction and jail. I have not seen any signs of drugs or alcohol, yet but he has had an ongoing issue with what I would call sex addiction. He was caught sexting, internet porn and multiple girlfriends. I think I already posted he got one of the girls, age 15, pregnant and she chose to abort. He dumped her as soon as she told him she was pregnant. He absolutely refused to discuss it with anyone. Not even his therapist. if the subject was brought up, he got defiant and angry. Now that he is 18, we all are warning and reminding him that if he touches a girl under the age of 18, he will be arrested with molestation or rape. That is my prediction... he will be sexually active with an underage girl, her parents will file charges and he will go to jail.

I mourn who he was when I adopted him. I mourn who he could be. He is such a brilliant young man with a great sense of humor and can have very mature intellectual discussions. He has (had?) a passion and talent for music. He has a beautiful singing voice. Anyway, I think the hardest part of all this is I grieve the loss of my son and who he has the potential to be.

With all that said, I have reached my threshold and will not live with him anymore. I have too much respect for myself to tolerate how he takes advantage of me and disrespects me now. I am a very patient calm individual... but can't do it anymore. Won't do it anymore.

This group has helped me not feel so alone. I had no idea how many other parents have experienced similar situations.

ASLdogs

 

[mrsammler]

Also, when you throw him out, "borrow" a brother or other adult male family member who's strong enough to deal with your difficult child. He hasn't been violent yet, but when you try to throw him out, that'll change.