Stands,
HI - hope you found a good meeting tonight. I was glad to see you took my advice. Hard as it is - Sometimes we have to let go to save them. And sometimes we have to trust that our friends may know a thing or two about what we're struggling with.
I thought about this post a lot today. I thought about you today and I know husband was the one who bailed him out. I know that was done against your wishes. When you said that? I knew you were moving forward with detaching. I was really happy for you. When you posted this post? I thought ut oh, things are probably not going well, but...while we hoped they would - it appears things have deteriorated more rapidly than expected.
It's not surprising - most addicts will try and fail numerous times before they get serious, if they ever get serious about quitting. In the mean time we as parents should learn how to deatch. You were doing so well and then husband went and bailed him out and I get all the last chance stuff - I really do - and he had to do what he could live with. But now he knows. Do you think he's fed up with the drama already? Until he is I fear things will remain the same. Sadly that's not good for anyone.
All of the kids who are attached to parents here can be frustrating to all of us. Mostly because we care. And a lot of it is because when we're asked for advice and we give it - we more than hope someone asking will take notice. That's ALL of us - even when you give a response to a post don't you hope whoever asked for the help - takes your advice? I think that's what the tone this post was trying to get across. No one wants you to leave - no one should ever feel in this family that they are not welcome. In this group (laughing in my head) I would imagine if someone didn't want you -the writing would be on the wall like the Ammityville Horror movie. Er....no wait what was the movie where the thing wrote get out on the wall? Anyway moving right along.
I also think at one time or another all parents here have felt like they were being harshly judged. I know sometimes when I've posted to someone my words may have come off as really cutting edge, and it's not what I meant. Or I'll post something about my kid and how I handled that particular situation and someone will say the words that I NEEDED to hear, and not the ones that I WANTED. That to me is friendship in a community like ours where we all have troubled kids - sometimes being blunt is necessary to get a point across or if someone is passionate about the cause someones words may come across heavy handed. ANd then there are those like me who try to temper patience with humor. Occasionally I've been known to do something funny. I know - it's rare. But I do have a funny side.
I try to think before I post, and sometimes I have to come back to a certain post when my words are in order in my head. It has never been my intention to post to you or anyone in a manner that isn't helpful. I figure if I have nothing helpful to say or if another poster has said what I thought? I may just not post or will post the words hugs or sending good vibes.
I wish I could tell you that your situation with your son is unique. Sadly it's not. What is unique about your situation is that you found this group. And over the years I have found everone here to be either helpful or caring, or genuine. I don't believe it was anyone's intention to make you feel unwanted.
I do believe that as a sister type group all words and advice asked for have been similar with regards to your son BECAUSE.....the people posting responses to you - have been where you are, have hurt so badly they would never wish what you are going through on anyone.
If you posted about a particular problem and then got 10 responses that gave you BAD advice? I could see not coming back to the group. Or if you posted the same problems asking for help over and over and never changed? I could see where no amount of advice would help - eventually with posters like that? people stop responding because everyone would like to believe when asked for their advice or wisdom - their words were understood and helped someone. To continually give good advice and be ignored is hurtful.
And then there is the worry factor. We worry about our kids, our families our friends and our community posters here - and when we see someone and believe maybe you're slipping back to the dark side? Well I'm no Jedi master - but you need to stay where the force is with you. That would be here, learning how to detach and move forward. Not falling back into old habits of allowing your son to manipulate you and husband.
And don't you think for ONE minute that anyone thinks that putting your son BACK in jail is easy on you. NO maam. I know better. I know the disappointment and I know the bitter heart break and this time I know you have to look at husband and say "You know what? We gave him another chance - a last chance and look what he did with the opportunity! He threw it in your face - really he did. And no amount of I'm sorry is going to make YOU feel better. THAT is why detaching is so crucial to learn. Tough love doesn't necessarily save the kid or teach him anything - Tough love is what we do FOR our children to ourselves in an process of learning to let go, hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst by getting on with our lives.
No doubt about it - our children have issues. But not allowing them to destroy what we have left of our lives, our spousal relationships, our home, our sanity, our other children? When we tolerate those bad behaviors over and over in our home what we're really saying to our children is "I'm not worth being treated well and I'm not in control-walk on me." and if we constantly allow them that liberty ? We really shouldn't be shocked when they continue to treat us in an inappropriate manner. I don't think it ever means we stop loving them when we put them out. I do think it sends a message that certain behaviors are not allowed - makes all the difference in our beginning down the path of healing and gaining our childrens respect.
People in this world may not respect themselves, but I do respect myself and there are just certain things that I will not allow to occur around me, near me, or because of me. -I'm sorry for my own sons situation, but I refuse to feel sorry for him. He has a choice - he can chance his stars. The same goes for your son. I hope you find your peace, who knows maybe when you do - it will free up some time to make well-thought-out, patient-filled, and meaningful prayers.
You're in my thoughts
Hugs
Star
