Anxiety about full time work

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by goldenguru, Mar 28, 2009.

  1. goldenguru

    goldenguru New Member

    I have/had a few job interviews on the calender. With our current financial situation, the bottom line is that I HAVE to work full time.

    I am finding that I have a fair amount of anxiety. While I have worked in the past, it has only been part time, and because I wanted to.

    The thoughts of working 40 hours/per week, plus my commute time, plus keeping up @ home is leaving me a little breathless.

    Both of my children are gone. So, it should be easy, right?

    My problem is that in our marriage we have always had very traditional roles. In 25 years of marriage hubby has never done a load of laundry. He has never really cooked a meal (unless you call a ham sandwich and handful of Fritos a meal). I currently do all shopping, cleaning, bill paying, pet care, etc.

    I was talking to hubby last night (who is currently unemployed) and reminded him that when HE worked full time, when he got home, he flopped in his lazy boy and read the paper and watched the news. I wondered if he planned on preparing dinner and having it ready when I got home. He looked at me like I had sprouted a third eye. :)

    For those of you who do work full time, do you also do all things domestic? or do your significant others share the load? How do you delegate? What works?
  2. ML

    ML Guest

    I feel that if you're going to pick up the bread winning role he needs to take on the stay home duties. Sure, a learning curve exists but with the right attitude this can be a positive experience for both of you. Buy him a basic cookbook. He doesn't have to cook fancy meals. Perhaps a crockpot. And lay out some basic things he can do like vacuuming. Keep expectations basic and simple. You're not expecting he become susie homemaker but set out the basic fundamentals. I think he can pull this off! Hugs, ML
  3. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    This is timely for me right now. I will be starting a new full time job come Monday morning. I have not worked for years and years. Yes, I too have anxiety! To top it off, our 5 yr. old grandson is still living with us and I will have to get him on the bus and get myself ready in the morning. That ought to be interesting! I never worked outside the home at all while my children were in school and that includes all the way thru high school!

    Since I have been home, my husband and I have had a pretty traditional roles too. It has just worked very well for us. The dynamics are changing though and the distribution of responsibility will shift for us too. I am lucky that my husband is a hard worker and does his share at home.

    Before we had children, we would come home from work on Thursdays and we both got busy doing our already decided upon chores. He cleaned his part of the house and I did mine. We both worked on the laundry. That way, we had Fri. night and the weekend free for play. For dinner, I cooked and he cleaned. He still cleans up after dinner now. He loves to vacuum and does so daily, after he gets home from work.

    I believe in fair. We'll divide the chores. I don't intend on doing everything I've done since I've been home and work a full time job and tend to our grandson. The grandson part for the most part rests on my shoulders.

    I think as women, many times we just take on everything and get stuck in that rut. I have no intention of "owning" more than my fair share and I hope you don't either.

    Our lives they are a changing aren't they?!
  4. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    Congratulation son your new job!

    We went through this chores adjustment at one point, too....

    I hadn't realized that my husband did not have any expectation that HIS daily life would change simply because I was working outside the home. I think it's not that men would mind, necessarily, doing their share around the home--as much as it is that it just does not occur to them.

    by the way--Whatever chores he does are not going to be nearly up to your standards.
    you can:

    1) Ignore the fact that it's not quite right and enjoy what he has done.

    2) Correct him until he decides that it's just easier to elave the chores for you.

    {I'd recommend option #1}

    Best of luck!

  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Good Luck. lol

    My husband was spoiled like that the first 10 yrs of our marriage. On the rare occasion I needed to work to pick up the slack........uh....let's just say it didn't go well. I became superMom because I had no choice. Hated it.

    I never did get him onboard. Even now that I'm in school full time. He still thinks he should be able to flop in the lazy boy while I magically have dinner hot and ready. sigh (and pouts when it isn't)

    Hopefully your husband is more cooperative. My husband fell into depression after each job loss and sat playing video games all day......which did nothing to improve the depression. I think if he'd actually pitched in with the house and kids he'd have at least felt useful and needed. But what do I know. lol

    Now that you're kids are grown you may find you love working full time. :)

  6. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    A marriage is a partnership. You would not go into a business arrangement where you did all the work and your partner sat around watching TV all day would you? Same applies here. If you are working out of the house fulltime then husband needs to toe the line at home.

    IDEA: If he doesn't pick up the slack thenonly take care of yourself. Only do YOUR laundry, Only cook YOUR dinner, Only clean YOUR side of the room, only make YOUR side of the bed etc. Gauranteed he will soon get the message. -RM
  7. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I work full time, husband is retired. But we started our marriage in this way. He does all the cooking and grocery shopping. I do the laundry. We share the cleaning and outside chores.

    One way you can approach the cooking (since warmer weather is coming) is to have him do grilling. It seems that grilling is a "man's" job, and not seen as "cooking". But you can give him ideas of what to make along with the meat or whatever on the grill.
  8. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    I'm gonna wish you better luck than I had. but my husband has a long list of dxes that helped my husband fabricate reasons & excuses to be so 'helpless'. yes I worked full time + mandatory Occupational Therapist (OT) plus full time school & yes all homemaking housekeeping cooking yard chores bills & car maintanance fell on me. needless to say once my own illness slammed me? home has never recovered & fell into horrible state. I slowly gave up & often meals everyone fends for themself. I hoped it might spur my family to at least attempt cooking? I was sadly mistaken. they thrive on cold cereal baloney on bread & canned chili. oh well. better luck to you! & congrats on job. you might find you enjoy being out working. I loved my job.
  9. dreamer

    dreamer New Member

    if it helps - one of my bros is a minister & works at home mostly. his wife is a teacher & social worker. my bro did all traditional home chores etc & childcare worked for them very well. my best friend & her husband also did a complete reversal of traditional roles with-success & happiness. possibly your husband might find he enjoys faceing a new challenge in life.
  10. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I've pretty much always been a single mom, but for the short time that I wasn't I carried both roles. It created a lot of resentment.

    I think I would have a discussion and maybe make a list that you come up with together on what chores he should carry as you work. Since he is not used to it, and because of his diagnosis (I'm not sure how well he's managing right now), I would expect to start small and work up. Come up with things that would make life easier for you and be willing to let some other things slide at first.

    It is going to be a transition and it's not going to happen overnight. But, as he sees how much his pitching in helps you, and how much you appreciate it, he will probably be inclined to do more.

    The important thing is to come up with things you can both live with and be willing to let some things slide at first. Otherwise, it will breed resentment on both sides.

    Good luck to you both. I hope you are able to find a position that you will really enjoy.
  11. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    I have not read the other's responses. You need to sit him down and have a discussion about this. Put your expectations out there and let him know that if you are working full time, he can simply not expect you to do all that you have done in the past and that you expect him to chip in. Make a list of things that you normally do and tell him the things that you want him to do and tell him the things that you are still willing to do. Working full time and having him expect you to continue to do what you were doing before is simply unacceptable. You need to set this straight before you accept a job.
  12. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm wondering if to start out with, maybe putting together a few dishes over the weekend (that he helps you make) that he can finish and cook easily during the week. Hand him some recipes. LOL!!
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2009
  13. Jena

    Jena New Member

    That is exciting and scary all at the same time going back to full time work. I don't doubt your having anxiety. I didn't work for 10 mos and went back full time and boy did i have anxiety :)

    Anyhow, i'd like to tell you that my boyfriend shares in the household chores but he does not. That is a gripe i'm currently "griping" on and on and on gotta love my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I won't give up though, because it isnt' fair for a woman to work full time and still do everything else.

    You have a firm marriage and alot of years under your belt, that speaks volumes in this day and age. It will all be fine, it may take some adjusting yet i think you guys will be just fine. You'll have a whole new world open to you soon, and although working ft def has it's "downers" there is also the up to it all as well, something for you again, just yours and i'm quite sure friends will come from it as well.

    Wishing you luck
  14. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    My husband is BiPolar (BP), and I work 2 jobs and go to school. He is not good at making dinner, but I leave him notes and he is good at doing other things. He does the dishes, the laundry, puts the laundry away, gets kids to and from appts. and takes care of other things including grocery shoping if I leave him notes and a list. I had to realize that I had to change my expectations of him if we were to be married peaceably. If I tell him on the note what to make for dinner, he will make it. It sounds like I am controlling, and I guess I could be but I am really not trying to be, but he just cannot make decisions.

    I would do menu planning, put the ingredients in plain sight and do simple things. Hugs, and good luck. I found that a drink or two (no more) after work help me let things go. Maybe medications would be better, who knows.
  15. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    GG, I think Loth's advice is spot-on.

    Because of the type of work husband and I do, there are times when one or other of us has a break between contracts. When my work was slow and steady, I would pick up a lot of the slack at home. When husband had more time, he would do so.

    I think you need to sit down with him, and give him really clear-cut information.
    - things that you will find overwhelming to try to juggle when you start your job
    - specific things you would like him to do, to keep the home running smoothly
    - clear direction about any schedule, etc. E.g. laundry needs to be done at least twice a week, otherwise we all run out of clean clothes.

    If there are things you can do, or things you can both do together, to simplify matters then perhaps you can discuss them together and come up with a plan.

    For example, if you can come up with a bunch of recipes for the crock pot, where husband can just pop in the ingredients and let them sit. Or things you can both cook and freeze on the weekends, for easy reheating during the week, then it might be manageable for both of you.

    I think a lot of our husband's and SO's don't really have a firm grasp of all the things we do around the house to keep things running smoothly. I call this "magic elf syndrome". The house is spotless. "Oh. The Magic Elves must have been here." That sort of thing.

    If you just ask your husband to pitch in and take care of the house, he probably doesn't have a really clear idea of what "take care of the house" entails. If you spell it out for him and give him clear expectations it will help a lot.

    I think the new job sounds exciting!

  16. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Congrats on the new job! Decide what things you need him to do, and what things you aren't willing to give up doing, and go from there. For example, Hubby can't cook, and when he does, I end up explaining every step. It's easier for me to cook. I hate cleaning the bathroom, so I delegated that chore. Same with emptying the dishwasher.

    Make a list. Hubby needs to have concrete reminders or he watches SciFi most of the weekend.