Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Seeking Peace, Feb 4, 2016.

  1. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    I don't know why I feel so incredibly anxious again. I was really doing so well. Was living each day, taking care of myself, not obsessing over things out of my control...

    Then I really started to miss the relationship I don't have with my daughter. I started to feel very sad for not wanting to or ever trying to connect with her genuinely. So, I invited her to dinner. That seemed to of gone well. Then she asked me to consider helping her pay for a program she's interested in taking. We agreed to pay for her to become certified after she completes the program. In this time, she asked about attending a company function with us, and I told her sure if she wanted to...just for her to decide against coming (notified me over email).

    I picked up a weird standoffish vibe at dinner...and it's been very heavy. I feel she's highly detached from me too. Never hugging or saying I love you anymore. I've tried to call several times the past couple of days, no answer, no returned calls. Sent messages and email...nada.

    Feels like I'm losing her again all over once more...just heavy heart, and nervous wreck...

    Why does this keep coming full circle
  2. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    I feel like she's angry and hates me once again for a reason only known to her....or she's hiding something
  3. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Is she on drugs or does she have a diagnosed pesonality disorder? Both would be reasons. Sad reasons and I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, but it is not your fault if it is either issue. Drugs change the brain and personality disorders make their recipients irrational and very difficult to figure out. Even they don't understand themselves. Unless they get extreme help (and most don't admit they are ill), they remain in contentious relationships, even with kindhearted people. Borderline, antisocial and narcicistic personality disordered people are almost impossible to have good relationships with...and they rarely think it is their own faults. I'm not sure these are the issues, but it sounds like it...and it is hard. They lack empathy and will hurt you, steal, or take without any regret.They will break the law too.

    Hugs for your hurting heart. I hope you can go back to taking care of yourself, somebody you CAN rely on to treat you right, if you decide to be nice to you ;)
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2016
  4. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    When you offered to pay for the program, AFTER she completed it, do you think she was expecting to get the money then, maybe to spend as she wanted?

    I think you are doing things right, sorry it is not producing the results you wanted.

  5. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    She actually has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder. I think us not contributing to her program funds reinforced her belief that we cannot be counted on and don't care for her...never remembering we've done it before, she has yet to demonstrate any follow through...

    It kills me that she never sees any of those things. Never remembers...only creates something totally different in her mind...
  6. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    Like Murphy's Law, she called...acting all happy and giddy...I feel better knowing she's in a good place mentally, but still can't help but feel like she was punishing me, intentionally not responding to me...
  7. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    My daughter has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), too, and it is so, so difficult. No matter how much has been given or done, those things are never remembered, acknowledged or appreciated. But the second something is denied or I don't give in to her, she immediately reacts - anger, spite, no contact - wailing that I have never done anything from her, I've abandoned her, etc. When she is on drugs, that is all amplified to the nth degree. Trying to set boundaries with her is so hard because it causes her to explode. I truly understand how you feel.

    I get so sad over the relationship "I WISH I'd had with her." If I am honest, I haven't "lost" anything because we never had it. She only wants contact with me when there is something of gain. And I never will have a true relationship until she admits she has a serious problem and fully commits to getting better.

    What I have to "let go" of is that fantasy that I can do something to make that relationship I would love to have happen.
  8. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    Hi Seeking, I think any time we have distanced ourselves from our d_cs we live in a calm state. I appreciate your feelings of missing the relationship you don't have with your daughter. It's hard not to have these feelings for our child. It's not easy to let go of the dreams and hopes we have held onto where our children are concerned.
    You reached out to her, you missed her. When we do this with our d_cs we open the door and make ourselves vulnerable.
    It's sad that this is how it is for us, we the parents of these difficult adult children. Our dreams and hopes for how we wanted everything to turn out are but vapors now.
    I am so sorry for the uneasy feelings you are having now. It's a rough wave, hang on and ride it out, you will be brought back to shore where you will once again find your feet firmly planted on the ground.

    ((HUGS)) to you dear friend
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  9. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    This is what happens to me with my two Seeking, I understand the disappointment and pain of it.
    I have decided to hold on to memories of the good times when they were young, while hoping for them to find their purpose.
    It is a small consolation for what we had, what has been lost, while the sun and the stars still shine, with every breath I take, there is always hope for a brighter tomorrow, for us all.
    Until then, one day, one step at a time to focus on the here and now.
    Stay strong and keep the faith dear warrior sister.
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  10. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member

    All of you are truly a God send. It helps being redirected and reminded of "what is" versus "what if". These past several weeks I've danced the dance of "what ifs". What if me doing THIS as a mother when she was young, or NOT doing this caused her to stem off into this mind set and mental instability...what if I try this or say that, will she truly know and feel my love for her?? What if she's truly saddened and really believes we don't love her? What if I just help her with X, she could maintain Z...

    It's sad, but true that when I maintain complete separation, the anxiety level subsides substantially. That as soon as I start opening back up to her, the dread and fear engulfs me. I can't help but feel like it's a lot like PTSD.

    It makes me incredibly sad that as much as I want a loving relationship with my daughter, at the same time, it seems to make me emotionally, physically and mentally ill.
  11. TheWalrus

    TheWalrus I Am The Walrus

    That is a beautiful way to put it - "what if vs. what is." I think we all beat ourselves up with the "what ifs." As parents, we feel responsible for our children's happiness and well-being. We all make mistakes, we all look back and reflect on "if only" moments, but the fact is that parents who have the best kids made mistakes and have "if only" moments. Every choice we made was made with love and their best interests in mind. We did the best we could with what we knew at the time, and when we knew better, we did better, which is what we are here continuing to do - supporting and learning from each other, so we can continue to do the best we can.
  12. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member

    Seeking Peace,

    I recently had a doctor tell me I don't do what ifs...although it is difficult but can be achieved if you work on it not doing the what ifs helps maintain inner peace. Prayers for you warrior mom!

    Stay strong sister!
    Huge Hugs :grouphug:
  13. Copabanana

    Copabanana Well-Known Member

    What does it matter, really, what she thinks?

    She is entitled to believe and feel anything she wants. She does not even require a special diagnosis for this. By being an independent adult, she qualifies.

    Her life is her own. Yours is your own. There it is in a nutshell.

    Many of us had dreams that are unfulfilled. We can dream new ones. Ones that we control, and can fulfill, without heartache, only joy.

    I would try to look to myself, and ask myself what the win is to keep the ball and chain to her.

    She is your adult daughter. You are an adult. You are now equals. You bear no responsibility for her. There is no more room for guilt, if you choose to let it go.

    If you feel devastated by her apparent lack of love for you, or loving kindness towards you, perhaps there is something in your earlier life with your family that you would like to explore.

    Join us on the FOO threads, if you would like to.

    There is nothing to say that our parenting will serve to successfully launch our children or that they will even love us once we have raised them. I am asking myself where I got the idea that my child would be there for me. He is not. For me to be there for him, he needs to raise the bar a bit. I have no control over whether he does or does not. Sad but true.

    I was raised in the Doctor Spock generation, as in Benjamin. Maybe that was where I got the idea that there would be this perpetual bond. Maybe I can blame Dr. Spock.

    Or maybe I can just catch a clue. My despair and abject misery for anything to do with how my son lives is absolutely wasted emotion and wasted life-force.

    I am sorry I sound harsh. It is not that I lack empathy. On the contrary. I think our situations call for decisive action. Realizing that we are more free than we realize and that we can demand of ourselves that we consciously choose freedom and joy. And let our kids choose as they wish.

    Let your daughter be free to feel and do exactly what she chooses. Let her attitudes and bad attitudes be her own. Ask for civility from her and nothing more. Be free.

    Our children do not need to like us or love us or want to be with us. What they do need to do is to treat us with civility and respect. I think she had a lot of balls asking you to pay for anything. Even worse to have an attitude about it.


    PS Any of you who have read my recent thread about my son returning to my town may believe me to be a hypocrite. Because those readers will know how much I struggle with these very issues I so stridently advocate.

    I must be clear: I do not anymore care if my son loves me or not or treats me in the way I feel I deserve. I have gotten that far. The rest of it, I am not so clear about.

    The part I struggle with is my responsibility to help him to learn to live better, given the cost to myself. I get ill. My significant other, M, faults himself because he did not stop me when I kicked my son out 4 years ago. M believes that had he been a better man, at that time, he would have opposed me and insisted that my son stay, so that he could teach him to live better.

    The way I see that is that hindsight is 20-20. There is no way of knowing what would have been the costs to us at that time. And how receptive if at all my son would have been. It is also not clear if my son would have been better served by this, or whether he was better served by choosing his own road these past 4 years. A road that included intermittent homelessness, a lot of marijuana, depending upon anybody who would put him up and ask nothing, almost no work at all and SSI.

    Now, 4 years later, our relationship, mine and M's, is stronger. M is stronger. I, not so much. We will be able to survive whatever comes in any interaction with my son, that may get ugly.

    The question is whether it is the right thing for my son, or for us, to allow my son to again be a component of our life together. For M, helping my son, is the right thing. For M. It is the kind of man he is.

    For me, I am not so sure. I think I would like to believe I could act as I advocate to Seeking. I have been trying.

    But if the truth be told, when I secretly believe I can do something...that will bring my son and I closer, some intervention that will trigger my son to grow up, to become a real man, a responsible and productive person...I feel happy. A little kernel of joy inside me lights up like a little fire. A very fragile, tiny fire, that very soon dies. Because I am so worn out by this all, so wanting to hide...that I cannot find the fuel in myself to nurture that flame.

    My son is so impossible. So impossible for me to be around. I am so defended from him. This once most loving of mothers, is in a big green tank with 3 feet wide tires, and guns at the ready. And I am ready to roll. As far away from him as I can get.

    So now you have the truth of it. I talk big, but it is bluster. I am hiding in my tank.

    So I am the hypocrite you may think I am.

    Last edited: Feb 6, 2016
  14. Seeking Peace

    Seeking Peace Member


    We all are in the same boat. What you said is fact. We cannot control or think our kids don't have the right to think or feel whatever they want. They are equal to us in life now. Our grief is genuinely allowed too. That's our rights. May we all find peace one day. ((Hugs))
  15. Hopeful97

    Hopeful97 Active Member


    You are not a hypocrite. I think a lot of us advocate for certain behaviors or other issues and slip and do not always do just what we advocate for. It is all part of our life journeys and along the way the chaos or whatever you want to call it of our d c s lifes journeys intertwines or runs along side our journeys for a period of time. I hope this make sense and helps in some way.