Or I think it is depression. Something is really not right. I feel silly asking anyone about this, really - because I feel like I know about every single thing I should do, when I am depressed - but I feel like I have pursued so many avenues in the past for my depression, and none of them have worked - that I feel hopeless. But I digress. I am just physically and mentally so depressed. Bored. Absolutely nothing has meaning anymore. And I mean nothing. Not one thing I used to like to do. To the extent that this guy that I go out with from time to time, that I have a mad crush on, asked me out the other night - and I did not want to go. Seriously made me realize that something is different/wrong. I don't like to read anymore, or even watch TV. I mean nothing has interest. It is like someone presenting an all you can eat buffet of every single food possible, and it all looks like bananas to me. Everyone else is gorging themselves and laughing and having fun eating these delights - but it all looks like bananas to me. Today I sit on my day off, absolutely bored, disinterested in anything, anyone, even difficult child, the way the house looks, etc. Another friend asked me over, and I don't want to go. I tried to go to Costco and had a panic attack. I still go to work, and am able to put on my "happy work face", so I guess that counts for a lot. But yet, I don't remember a time when I felt so bored, disengaged from life. Granted. The guys who asked me out, usually has a one track mind - so maybe I am protecting myself. And granted it is 102, so who wants to do anything when even the Ligustrum is drooping. And granted the death of H has impacted me in ways unspeakable, and I have a new boss at work that is stressful, and difficult child is not doing well, and my parents are on some hairbrained trip paddling the waters of Alaska and volcanoes are going off. However, even all of that minutia does not seem to account for this overall horrible, blah feeling. OK, truthfully, I am sipping wine at 2 in the afternoon it is that bad. But what do I do? I have seen psychiatrists, and tried many medications. My t-doctor is out of town - but she will help when she is back. I do know I need to go to a doctor for a physical. And I need to make friends, join things, exercise. The huge caveat is that: I can't figure out a way to make myself do these things!!!!! Any advice is welcome. I am depleted of any resources. I am so depressed I don't even want to sleep. Really I have never felt this way.