Any advice? Refuses to work.....etc...

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by Pops, Feb 26, 2016.

  1. Pops

    Pops New Member

    My oldest is 21, using daily, mostly pot, but drinks too. Every day, says he has to be high to live. Had threatened suicide many times since middle school. Has never held a job longer than 2 weeks. Tried college and quit. Bounces around with different freinds, never seems to stay with freinds for too long. Lives in basement and has excuses why he can't find a job, most jobs he refuses to apply for. Has a bad temper when confronted. It's causing lots of stress for my wife and i. We have a younger daughter and not sure what to do next. My son quit AA, went to rehab twice and a 10 month juvenile boot camp program. He went back to using at the end of the programs. He is now 21, and I don't know what to do. Just really stressed, I tried alaon, but it's too emotional for me to attend right now. :( advice, I am worried if something happens to him because I make him leave home I will get blamed by my wife, but I don't want my family living like this, it's horrible watching him like this.
  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Strongly suggest marriage counseling for you and wife. You need to be on the same page with spouse and she with you. Nothing will do any good if son knows he can play you against his mother. At the same time, no matter if son lives at home or is on the streets there is no way to protect a drug user. They will be around dangerous people no matter if they live with you or not. Drug users cant be protected as long as they seek out dealers and other drug abusers.
    When my daughter so called lived at home, she would sneak out at night and be on the streets at late hours, while we slept. Bad things happened to her even though she technically lived at home.

    She quit about a year after we finally made her leave. She was nineteen then and has been clean now ten, elevin years. by the way, I thought she was mostly using pot too but she told us speed and meth were actually her drugs of choice when she used. Color me shocked.
    We never know ehat our adult kids really use unless we catch them. Most will admit to pot and alcohol. But if an adult child is not functioning normally it is a good idea to assume the drugs have escalated to harder drugs. Not that alcoholism cant cause severe issues. It can.
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    Last edited: Feb 26, 2016
  3. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Pops, welcome to the forum. I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through right now. I have been in a similar situation, walking on eggshells, wanting change and not knowing what to do. It is a hard place to be in. We love our kids with all our hearts and want the best for them.
    This is hard. I know you must be concerned for your son. If anyone threatens suicide, it is a serious thing and the police should be called.
    That said, your house is your sanctuary. If adult children wish to continue to live in our homes, they need to follow house rules, respect being #1.
    Your son is considered an adult in the eyes of the law and will do as he pleases. This is what most of us here have encountered.
    So, it does come down to follow the rules, or there is the door.
    I actually think the kids push and push, expecting us to do something, and when we don't, they get more disrespectful. It is as if they are saying "So, what are you going to do about this? Huh?' Well then, how about this.......and this?"
    He is holding you both hostage. Our d cs are very clever this way. My daughters were the same, very disrespectful and hostile to talk with. It was insidious, a game of wills. They used our love for them, to walk all over us. What I learned, Pops, is that I was not really loving my children, by allowing them to live in our home and disrespect themselves and us. I was desperate for something different then what they were doing, and thought I could help them. What I was doing by having them live in our home, was unknowingly funding their lifestyle. They weren't getting any better, and our lives were quickly going down the drain with theirs. Soon, their attitude and activity worsened, and their disrespect became more outrageous. Looking back now, I can't believe the things we put up with.
    I have a young son. He saved us. You know why? All along, he was living through this nightmare, watching crazy things unfold before his eyes. Finally, he began to question things. "Mom, why do we have people (his sisters) live with us, who steal from us?" "Why are my sisters so disrespectful?" and many more comments. I finally realized that he was being so badly affected by having this go on. He didn't want to be home. It wasn't a safe, secure haven for him. I had raised his sisters to adult years, and they were still taking advantage of us. I decided 6 months ago, after an ugly exodus of my daughter with my grands, that the door was shut.
    No more.
    My 14 year old son lay curled up on my bed, sobbing uncontrollably.
    My focus had to turn to him.
    My focus also had to turn to myself, and look at the pattern of responses that I had developed towards my daughters and their using drugs.....and us.

    Perhaps you can share this with your wife, and invite her to post here, too.
    Our minor children deserve our attention.
    I am thinking your daughter has grown up in the shadows of her brothers acting out.
    Doesn't she deserve a peaceful home?
    She is watching and learning from this.
    What are your responses teaching her?

    It is horrible watching our children go this route. Worse, when they are in our homes. Many here will tell you, their kids did not get better staying at home. I feel we just prolonged the problem. I feel, when we allow our kids to live at home, as they go off the rails, they begin to resent us. We look weak to them, and we are weak, because we do not stand up to their taunting. They are taunting us, when they live in our homes and do anything they want. We respond with stress, worry and desperation, we don't know what to do. They see this, and use it to their advantage, to continue to go off the rails. It is a cycle that only worsens. But there are answers and there is help.
    It will not all happen at once, it is a learning process.
    Take deep breaths and slow way down, one step, one day at a time.

    There is a wonderful article on detaching in the P.E. forum

    I read it often to help me stay on course.

    Keep posting here, Pops. It has helped me tremendously to read, write and respond here these past months. So, post as much as you can.
    While it is sad that there are so many folks out there in similar situations, at least we have a safe place to come to share one another's stories, give, and get help.

    I am so sorry for your heartache Pops, please know, you are not alone.

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  4. ColleenB

    ColleenB Active Member

    I hope you can find some support here with posting and sharing . I know your pain and wish we were not a part of this "club".

    I also know if my husband and I weren't on the same page most of the time we would have a much harder time. Try to talk or go see someone to help.

    Again, I hope you find some support, I know I come here often when I am feeling overwhealmed or sad. It helps.
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  5. Praecepta

    Praecepta Member

    He uses / does not work, then out the door he goes! Simple as that. Take him to a homeless shelter. If something "happens" to him because he left home, it is HIS fault!
  6. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    This is just my opinion.
    I would not "make him" leave home - as in, I don't think it will work between you and your wife to just simply kick him out.
    BUT. It is YOUR house and home we are talking about here. Which means, YOUR house, YOUR rules.

    Can you and your wife get on the same page as to what reasonable expectations are for anyone living at home?
    Such as... keeping normal hours so as to not disturb others, being OUT of the house for 6-8 hours every single day (during business hours) - he can work, look for work, attend some form of upgrading, attend AA if he wants to, go sit in the library... anything but sit around home. If he isn't working, he needs to contribute to the household in other ways - shoveling snow, cutting grass, washing windows, doing his own laundry, helping with dishes (and cooking if possible)... what are YOUR rules. Then, the reality is, NOBODY gets to say in your house if they don't live by YOUR rules. The rules need to apply to everybody equally, so don't try to prevent HIM from doing things that YOU like to do.
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  7. toughlovin

    toughlovin Well-Known Member

    I agree with Insane.... The first step is for you and your wife to be on the same page. Kicking a kid out of the house is heart breaking and emotionally very difficult. Sometimes it is absolutely the right thing to do..... But to get through it you need to be together on this. I think if you are not on the same page it will tear the two of you apart and you don't want that.

    My husband and I have been through many years of difficulty with our sons substance abuse problems. We have had to let him live on the streets and it was awful but necessary. Yet I don't think either one of us would have gotten through it if we didn't have each other. I think it ended up making our relationship stronger.
  8. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Pops we finally threatened our son with eviction if he did NOT go to rehab and guess what. He is in rehab right now. I was terrified to make that threat because I was afraid he wouldn't go to rehab but he did even though he said it was only because we forced him. I didn't care anymore. I let my husband take over and deal with it. We have been going through this with him for 5 years on and off and now he is 20. Working is a trigger for him as well as taking two college courses so we were at the end of our ropes really. Came to the end of the road so to speak. Not sure where we go from here but taking one day at a time and so far he seems to be doing well in rehab and after that probably a 12 month program out of state but he doesn't know it yet and is gonna freak the hell out when he finds out.