Any advice welcome!

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by lovelyboy, Jul 10, 2012.

  1. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Hi to all you wonderfull warrior parents!
    I need advice please.....be honest, I can take it!
    Ok....my difficult child is in a very fancy private school....we moved to be close to it, only 5 minutes drive!
    He is doing accademicly very well in gr 3. Got 91% for numeracy and 86% for literacy.....This is an English school and we are Afrikaans at home....he is doing ok with the English. BUT this school has a 100% grade 12 passing rate....They put alot of pressure on the children.....Lately my son start biting his hands, but hard! He has developed eczema on his hands now....he gets very painfull headaches and vomits.....My little dude needs to repeat gr 00, because he doesnt achieve this schools standards....The class average for my difficult child is 79 and if a child gets less...they will be screamed at and threatened.....
    I am very worried about my boys.....Yes this school is posh, has great security, excellent extra murals, very good facilities...Is really regarded as the one of the best in our country.....
    I am playing around with the idea to take my kids out and put them in an Afrikaans goverment school...with lower standards and expectations....BUT then my children will be in bigger classes, with more children....I am worried for sensory issues....Also I am worried what the effect of moving to new environment and friends and language and routine will do to my difficult child, Aspie-light!!!!!! And they dont have grade 00 classes, what will I do with little dude! It seems as if they do have Occupational Therapist (OT) and ST....And they are 20-30 minutes drive from where we live now!
    I really am confused about what will be best for my sons....Will they fit into the Afrikaans comunity and kids....exct?
    Any advice will be very welcome!
     
  2. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I feel for you. Here, we can have our kids in two different schools. It's called open enrollment. If difficult child is doing well, I would hate to move him. He's apparently doing very well and he's being challenged just enough. On the other hand, little dude needs the "lesser" requirements while avoiding the sensory overload. I honestly don't know what to tell you. difficult child is getting what he needs but little dude isn't. That's a hard choice if having them at separate schools is not an option. I am thankful I don't have to worry about that because it would be hard for me to choose one child's needs over another's.
     
  3. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Thanx Tedo.....What worries me is: At what cost does difficult child have to do good? Accademics is good, but emotionaly he is a wreck....But then, maybe he will still be a wreck at the new school and then we cant turn back! Maybe I must first take him for a psychological assessment to determine the reasons for his terrible anxieties!?
     
  4. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    Well, you asked for honest opinions, lovelyboy...My very honest opinion is that the school sounds crazy and it is cruel to subject your boys to it. The older one is obviously suffering and it can only get worse. Is the Afrikaans school the only other option?? I can see the dilemma, of course. But your son may be happy to change... have you discussed it with him?
     
  5. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    I guess I misunderstood. If difficult child is an emotional wreck, then absolutely pull him out. It is definitely not worth it. As for changing things for an Aspie, the more you prepare them for the change and the more positive you sound when you're talking about it, the easier the transition will be....at least it is in our case. My difficult child 1 would also need to know the WHYs about the change. You might want to start the "talk" now and get a feel for his feelings about the possibility so you know how to approach it. I pulled difficult child 1 out of public school for the very reasons you are talking about. It just wasn't worth his emotional well-being.

    Sorry I read your post completely wrong. As for little dude and the other school not having a grade 00, is it that important that he be in school right now? I would think getting him to a better place academically, now that you know where he falls, before starting school would be beneficial. Is that an option...keeping him home for another school year and work with him?
     
  6. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    I read your post and actually have a hard time giving advice as I don't really know the concequences of being in an English private school vs a public Afrikaans school. If it is strictly about high achievment, then I'd say faver their emotional states and move them to the Afrikaans school. But I imagine there might be more at stake, I don't know...
    Since your kids are already bilingual, I would not worry about changing language. Sure, they would need an adjustment period, but they would over come it quickly.
    As far as your little guy, he might benefit from some home and Mommy time. Would he still have opportunities to be with others kids if was not going to school? Community activities, church, playdates, etc? How do you feel about teaching him yourself?
    Sorry for not having any clear advise, just more questions. When does the school year start in RSF?
     
  7. allhaileris

    allhaileris Crumbling Family Rock

    As for their mental state, pull the kids out if they're suffering. I am wondering if your question about English schools vs Afrikaans schools is mostly about language, education level, or that they'll get lost in the size of the Afrikaans schools. How many kids are in a class in the other school?

    I pulled my daughter out of one school here, one that had and English-Spanish language issue. It used to be an alternative school, then they cut the program and most of the native English speakers left, and probably 90% of the kids were Latino. We have this unspoken segregation here, it's horrible. The Spanish speaking kids were picking on my daughter because she didn't speak Spanish, which wasn't the main reason we pulled her, but one of them. I'm guessing your kids will fit right into the new school since you speak Afrikaans at home.

    In the new school, would your kids get any kind of personalized education plan that comes with aides to help them one on one with their work? Here in the US we call it an IEP. It FORCES the school to provide our kids with what they need to be able to have the same educational opportunities their peers have. And our schools have class size of about 25-30 (at least here in California), and it gets bigger as they get older, they were trying to keep it at 20 in K-3 (K is Kindergarden, I assume that's 00 there). Without the IEP my daughter gets lost in a class of 20, unless she has a decent teacher and her IEP help.

    And why isn't there a govt school closer than 20-30 min?

    Screaming and threatening a child would get a teacher fired here. I can't believe they would do that there and get away with it. Who cares about the facilities, as long as your child is learning and happy. They can go to school in the ghetto and still get a decent education if there are dedicated teachers and parents.
     
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Ditto, ditto and DITTO. Did I say ditto?

    I would not put any spectrum kid into this sort of school nor one where the teachers are threatening and mean-spirited. Bet if you asked him, he'd be glad to leave. in my opinion his mental health comes first.
     
  9. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Because Lovelyboy isn't in North America... things are not quite so cut-and-dried.
    They don't HAVE the services we take for granted.
    And... unfortunately, in many parts of the world, your future success and career depend on which school you go to. Often there is no "average" school... it's either "elite" or "poor".

    While I kind of agree that I would put mental health ahead of education... there's no info to go on as to whether the public school would be any different on that front.
     
  10. Allan-Matlem

    Allan-Matlem Active Member

    Hi,
    How willing would your school be to hear you and cooperate with you to address your concerns about your child. We are talking about primary school , not high school. I would try to find solutions within the school in a collaborative way between you , teachers and your son.

    I would first try to understand what are my kids lagging skills, problems in school and what he needs to address these challenges. Parents usually make the mistake and try to fit the kit to the availiable resources before understanding what he really needs. He could get a buddy-tutor for english and his issues .

    A half an hour drive is a long way , also your kid needs friends from school . Also as already mentioned here - what does your child feel about it ?

    Allan
     
  11. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Sorry people that I didnt respond yet....was busy sorting difficult child out, taking him to pead for his bad headaches! He is going to try and get us a quick appointment with new neuro!
    Any way......Ok....I did mention the possibility of different school to difficult child....telling him about the less work, exct.....He got so upset, regressed and went and lie in fetal position on his bed! He says he loves his current school, teacher, friends and coach! He has always had great relationships with all his teachers...he is their blue eye boy because he is well behaved and get high marks.....
    Regarding homeschooling....I think its great to lessen social stress and help with his planning and stuff, but I would put him in a group with other kids and get some one else to tutor, because he doesnt like receiving info and help from me.....But the structure and routine at school helps him in some way with knowing what to expect and predictibility.
    We dont have Individual educational programs at our schools....not at all! It's either you are in, coping or they ask you to leave!
    Regarding school classes...his current class has 24 kids and they try and keep it around 20.....Goverment schools is between 30-40! The thing is...the pressure to perform and the terrible strictness at his current school contributes to the stress, but in some way it also makes him feel save! If this makes any sense?
    Allen....I have spoken to the school and in principle they are all in for helping collabirating, exct....but in practice....when overworked and stressed out they just dont always gets it.....Then the child with the little extra help becomes a hassle! The other thing is....because my son has the abbility to try and hide his anxiety and difficulty....they dont see him when he falls appart at home! So when I speek to them its like they cant believe we are talking about the same kid....then they only see me as the overprotective, hovering, paranoid mom....Then the principle will say things like mommy you need to cut him loose and let him go!
    Anyway....thanx for all your love and support!
     
  12. lovelyboy

    lovelyboy Member

    Oh....one more thing I wanted to mention.....It's not actually the amount of pressure the school puts on my son thats causing so much stress.....because he is clever....But the teachers getting upset with the other kids that misbehave, the social stress and my sons inability to always follow the social context....what is applicable to him and what not!
     
  13. Malika

    Malika Well-Known Member

    So what are you feeling now, lovelyboy? That it would be best for him to stay at the school, presumably? If he himself doesn't want to leave, then that makes it problematic. Are you saying that the school makes NO special provision for him, despite his diagnoses? That can't be right, surely. I appreciate that putting him into a school with 30 to 40 children in the class, where there won't be the same structure and routine, and where he won't be challenged academically wouldn't be the right solution either.
    Sounds like you've got to stay at the school but try again to speak to them....
     
  14. Micheal

    Micheal New Member

    I just want to say here that..
    First of all i like the topic " [h=1]Any advice welcome![/h]I think in the present world it is really very hard i mean people don't have any sufficient time for their elders, younger or even the old aged ones and all they are doing is just thinking about themselves and i just i want to say that our parents are the precious most things in our lives and when we grew up we simply just send them to the assisted living centers or the independent living centers even if the don't want to be there...
     
  15. Ktllc

    Ktllc New Member

    After you shared this info, I would lean towards not changing school. In a bigger classroom, the problem would only be worse. At least where he is at, he benefits from a high standard education.
    Maybe, try to think of one little change that would relieve some stress for him and try to have the school implement it. Kind of one baby step at a time, something they'd have no reason to say no to. A visual for transition? You could provide the visual cards and all they have to do is point at it when it's time to transition to a new assignement? Preferred sitting position (front row so he does not have to look at the other students and be stressed/distracted)? Allowed to leave the class 1 minute ahead of time to go to lunch or leave the campus so as to avoid crowds?
    Think small at first. Does your difficult child admits any difficulties or stress?
     
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