Any experience, thoughts, suggestions...?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Shari, Jun 9, 2008.

  1. Shari

    Shari IsItFridayYet?

    I'm not sure how to word this, so please ask if it doesn't make sense.
    easy child 2 wanted a friend over Sunday. Couldn't find anyone home (she has THREE friends in a class of 120). I have a friend with a daughter the same age, so I called her. They had plans at home, but invited easy child to join them. She did and had a great time. When I went to pick her up, tho, my friend said easy child had absolutely unloaded about her mother; how she wanted to spend more time at our house because all she does at her mom's is sit in front of the tv, video games, or sit in the house whlie mom and her hubby mom work in the greenhouse. She doesn't get to have friends over because her step-siblings are always there (mom won't allow extra kids), they never go camping or swimming cause the step-siblings are there, etc etc etc. She said she likes bedtime at our house, cause even if we stay home all day, she's been active and she's tired and can go to sleep.
    Before the new hubby showed up, easy child and her mom went camping nearly every weekend, visited cousins in Iowa, etc. They were never very social, but they didn't sit at home all the time.
    husband and I have a large, close family. We get together with my brothers often for various things. Of course, easy child 2 only gets to go if it happens to fall on our weekend or is a VERY special event (like a funeral), even tho they sit at her moms and do nothing. She has actually said this to 4 or 5 random people that we know of in the past year. She used to save her homework to do at our house because we helped her, still says we help her more than mom. We are basically the ones that made her go to summer school, and this took place even after she knew we were making her go, which she was very angry about. Point being, she wants to be here more and we see no reason why she shouldn't be able to spend more time with us. Her mom says "NO" simply because she doesn't think we should be allowed anymore than the visitation schedule. Don't get me wrong, time with her mom is good, whether they are doing something or not. She needs it, and this isn't all about running around all the time or having fun all the time. This is about the fact that she spends 70% of the time with her mom, and misses family oriented activities with her dad and I simply because its "mom's time".
    We haven't pushed easy child 2's mom to get her help for a couple of years, except for back in December when she stole a box knife and took it to school. But still, easy child's mom has ignored any and all recommendations fot easy child to get help.
    We're getting her evaluation'ed for tutoring, probably some place like sylvan. I would also like to get her into counseling and an activity. This is what was recomended 18 months ago when she was finally evaluation'ed. We are sure her mom will not contribute to the bill and will probably not allow any of these things to happen on "her" time.
    We want to get her the help AND try to get her more time with us. Our thought was to start taking easy child to tutoring, counseling, etc, just hope mom will "give" us the time to do it so that's not all easy child does when she's with us. Do that for a few months, then ask to change the custody agreement to 50/50, or something that will give easy child more time with us, and ask to reduce child support in order to continue getting her this help.
    Does that sound like a good idea? Do we need to ask her mom before we do the evaluation? Or does history of doing nothing, even tho we haven't pushed it in a while, reason enuf to do this without asking her? Is "just wanting to spend more time with dad and mom won't let me for no good reason" reason enuf to change custody? If we pay for all this ourselves up front, does that set a precedent that we may not be able to reduce the child support later?
    Just thoughts bouncing thru my head...any input or ideas on this?
  2. 4sumrzn

    4sumrzn New Member

    It sounds as if you have some great ideas to help her. She's very lucky to have you in her life. Saying that.....the "other" Mom might end up with issues if you don't address her at all about your ideas. I'm not up to date on what age can easy child "decide" by law she wants to live with you or spend more time???? It used to be 12 around here...may be less or more now!?!? That may be able to help you.