We had this problem with the local school when difficult child 1 was 6. The school counsellor visited once a fortnight on a Tuesday. I got a phone call one Tuesday telling me that a meeting had been scheduled for me with the school counsellor, a note had been sent home with difficult child 1 to which I had failed to respond (because by the time any notes made it home with difficult child 1, they were papier mache). The teacher said with obvious annoyance that I'd have to wait for the next opportunity (in 2 weeks time) to find out what the meeting was about. I asked, "What is the problem? I really do need to know. I mean, can't you give me a hint? Is he attacking other kids? Stealing? Molesting teachers? Running a protection racket? What? And why can't you tell me? This is ridiculous!"
I still had to wait.
In our case the problem was difficult child 1's inability to sit still in class, coupled with other problems which ten years later w were finally to identify as Asperger's. But when I turned up to the meeting, I was definitely ambushed - the school counsellor had done an assessment (without my knowledge or permission) and then used the poor results (because difficult child 1 failed to complete the test, he was too fidgetty, but she scored it as if he had paid full attention and completed it) to browbeat me and attack me for being pushy with easy child but neglectful of difficult child 1. First time I've ever experienced an IQ test used as a weapon. Definitely a blunt instrument!
What I would have done with hindsight - I would have said, "I thought we were all in agreement that our primary aim is difficult child's welfare. To that end, the more information we all share, as early as possible, is in everyone's best interests. PLaying guessing games and mind games is counterproductive and frankly, inappropriate. Even if you don't know for sure what the problem is specifically and you just have concerns, then darn well say so. 'I have concerns about your son, he doesn't seem to be progressing well and we'd like to talk to you about it.' You don't have to be specific, but you do have to be informative and communicative, to the best of your ability in the situation. After all, you want us to be open and communicative with you. Do us the same courtesy."
If they protest and say, "But of course we weren't playing mind games, how dare you accuse us of such behaviour!" then the obvious reply is, "What else were we supposed to think? Perhaps you could have made it more clear to your office staff when they rang to set up the meeting. We did ask for more information about the reasons - your office staff should have relayed our concerns to you so you could communicate to us. We have had to re-schedule other responsibilities in order to make this meeting. Of course tis is appropriate if the matter is serious. We have had to assume it is a serious matter; if it turns out to be fairly minor, then husband has cancelled an important meeting at his work, for a triviality at the school that we could have handled without him. THAT is why we need full and frank communication."
I don't stand for this sort of rubbish any more. Thankfully difficult child 3's current placement is just the opposite - they will call me at the beginning of a concern. Plus they put it up on his file on the school computer, which all teachers have access to. So when I told the school about my breast cancer and the resulting increased anxiety and dropped work output in difficult child 3 - it went on his file. All staff who need to access his file, know about my cancer. I knew this would happen and was OK with it, because they need to know. Although all school staff can access all student files, in practice only the ones dealing with difficult child 3 are likely to. This means that if any teacher is on leave and a substitute is appointed in the meantime, the sub gets immediate access to all info re difficult child 3, so they know right away how we have to work hard to support him and encourage him.
Maybe they didn't want to tell you in case the info you got was too 'second hand' and distant from the source (so you get the wrong info anyway) or maybe they're not wanting to worry you unduly over something you can't change. Or maybe they just want to hit you with it all at once to gauge your reactions and not give you time to prepare a cop-out answer (as some parents might do).
As I said, I don't stand for it, even if they believe they have a sound, compassionate (in their mind) reason.
Marg
