Any hope?

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by GB_42_XYZ, Nov 26, 2012.

  1. GB_42_XYZ

    GB_42_XYZ Member

    Hello all. I've been here before but it's been a while.
    My difficult child is now 18 and still at home. Same issues as before (pot and whatever other drugs he feels like taking, behavior, legal troubles, etc).
    He's been lucky enough to avoid any long term jail stints (he's been in for a few weeks a couple of times), but I'm guessing he's pushing his luck to it's limits. What's kinda funny is my wife's opinion is that he's unlucky.
    He's been talking about seeing a military recruiter which I really hope he does but I don't have much faith in that sticking. He just can't seem to be able to do anything right. He can't keep a job more than a week. He's had 3 or 4 over the past year but managed to get fired or quit each one. He seems to be incapable of doing anything. He can't get himself out of bed unless my wife visits him 5 or 6 times. It's like he's still in junior high. He has a one track mind; how do I get some more pot, who can I some some pot with?

    Is there any hope for him to ever get it together? Will a longer term jail sentence change things?
  2. pprguy

    pprguy New Member

    My difficult child is 24 and home again. 18 and still at home-could be pretty frustrating for you because I would bet it will only get worse. If you have insurance get him to an out patient program or even better in patient. Don't waste anytime. Has he graduated from HS? My difficult child is our youngest of 3. he is a true addict with real issues that we have to set very hard boundaries with while he is in our house. No car, phone is blocked. Even at 24 in our house he has severe limits on his social life. He has lived on his own in the past-and it has not been pretty. He can leave at any time-without his truck which is in my both of our names.
    If he was 18 and I knew what I know now I would have shut him down at 18 and hard. Take everything away until he agrees to your rules and shows it.
    I know we cannot control an addict-but it's our rules or the highway and he knows it now-just took to long to get here.
  3. GB_42_XYZ

    GB_42_XYZ Member

    The trouble with setting any hard rules for him is that he can get violent. Holes in walls, broken TVs, dents in cars, etc. He has gotten in my face once and we scuffled, but since then I have been letting him dig his own hole, because if it comes to that again, one or both of us will likely be arrested or in the hospital.
    I don't think living at home is ever going to work, but I don't know how to get rid of him. I have fantasized about selling the house and moving out of state. Before I get on the plane I tell him "Oh by the way you're not coming, here's a few thousand dollars, good luck".
  4. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    He is an adult. My rule was always either you are in school or working. If you are nto doing either, your job is to find a job. You tell him if he cannot live by your rules then he needs to go out on his own. If he won't go, you call the police. No way would I allow him to continue living there and damaging property. He has a cushy life right now doing what ever he wants and still have a roof over his head with all the conforts of home - why would he change anything?
  5. pprguy

    pprguy New Member

    Been there too. We are fortunate our son knows he is an addict and has asked for our help each time. We live in a nice neighborhood-just the other day an asian high school girl came running down our street screaming with her father chasing her. She was heading to a house down the street where she knew a girl. The father was yelling "call the police". My wife knows the girl from middle school where she teaches. Here the father caught the girl smoking pot in her room. The police came-what could they do? But the father-because of the culture had a pretty good house rule-smoke weed call the police.
    It took awhile for my wife and me to be on the same page with our son. I hope you can get there. It's amazing how little an 18 year old needs to have.
  6. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    The next time your son starts getting violent, throw things, punches holes in walls etc. call the police! Let them come and see the damage. Your son needs to know you will not tolerate that... there is no way you should put up with that. When my son was 18 he did something and I told him he had to follow our rules (very very basic) or he needed to find another place to live. He threatened to bash my teeth in.... I went and talked to the police and they came and told him he needed to leave. It was awful but I have to say our house is now a place I like to be rather than a place I want to escape from!!

    My son is now 21 and is hitchhiking around the country. I dont know how things will turn out BUT our relationship is in a much better place. I have come to the conclusion he needs to figure things out for himself and all I can give him is my love... and he knows we love him and support him (not financially) and that I wont put up with any abuse. He has been to several rehabs but does not think he is an addict... and so I am letting go. I have done all I can.

    However I am hearing from him a wish to get his life together which at least is an improvement.

  7. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    I don't know how to answer your post...

    but I do know that there is ALWAYS hope. Especially when your son is only 18. If he were in his 30's, I'd tell you to hang on to your hope but to plan for the worst...but 18? In a lot of circles, this would be considered typical teen (typical teen behavior) -- not that I agree.

    I too have a son who is skimming along on thin ice...and once in a while; when someone asks how he is - I will give them the unvarnished truth. (instead of the usually "Fine. How Is your son?") And 9 times out of 10, I will be told a tale about their brother or their cousin or their best friend or even their own younger self - who was "just like difficult child", vagabond, over indulging, school failing, etc... and how they woke up and straightened out. In fact, I have quite a few "former 18-22 yo difficult children" in my own life. Heck, even I flirted with a rebellious path for a while.

    But I would guess we all have an acquaintance (or a family member) who never grew up. Who still couch surfs, jumps from job to job, hops from the frying pan into the fire on a regular basis. And that's why we get so scared...

    But NEVER give up hope. Give up enabling. But NEVER EVER GIVE UP HOPE.
  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Interesting post because I am leading next weeks parents support group meetig andf the topic is hope and I am trying to find any info I can to give these parents (and myself) hope. I'm pretty much in Sig's place, my difficult child is floating through life smoking pot and drinking and living off society. She does have a serving job at a sports bar but that won't last. She hasn't paid any utilities in a year. I don't have much hope because I don't see any movement on her part, and yet I can't give up on hoping it changes. And Sig is right, give up enabling but not on hope.
  9. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I had a realization about hope recently that I think I shared here... I kind of hate that statement never give up hope because there was a point where I definitely felt like I needed to give up hope. What I realized is that I had to give up the hope that anything I could do would help my difficult child. I did not give up the hope that someday he will figure things out and do what he needs to do to change the direction of his life, but I HAD to give up the hope that I could at this point make a difference. That was an important step in my process of letting go.

  10. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm going to use that example in my meeting TL. It's a very important distinction.
  11. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks Nancy... glad I can indirectly be part of your meeting. :)
  12. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    TL, You brought me to tears.
  13. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Was he always this way?

    If not, suspect hardcore drug use. My daughter, who is NOT violent, was violent when she used drugs. She also had trouble getting out of bed. Hmmmmmm. Must have been hard because she'd take speed (snort it) and Coke all night then downers to help her sleep during the day. I finally showed her the door. She quit using drugs and today we have a great relationship. In fact, she has a good job and her own house with her SO. If you asked her, she'd tell you not to go easy on him.
  14. rita

    rita Member

    If there is life, there is hope. Something I have always believed...peace rita
  15. GB_42_XYZ

    GB_42_XYZ Member

    Yes, he's been like this a long time. It's not the drugs.