any ideas?

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Jena, Sep 4, 2008.

  1. Jena

    Jena New Member

    hi to all,

    I hope everyone's difficult child's first days back at school were calm and uneventful such a hard time all around it seems the transitioning back after long summer.

    So, i wanted to throw this out and see if anyone had any ideas........

    my difficult child sweet girl of mine i love her so struggled thru first day. she doesn't eat lunch in lunchroom, she has no friends had one but she as we used to say flat left her for someone else. so she sits alone in lunchroom and stares off. i thought of getting her bag of candy for her lunchbox tomorrow so she can offer it to other children a way to break the ice so to speak.

    other was how do you explain to your child why they are the way they are? how do you respond when they say i just want to be normal i don't want anymore doctors or pills or when they describe themselves as being weird?

    it's very hard to always say the right thing. i do the best i can but was curious what others say. i at times have to excuse myself and say i have to go to bathroom so she doens't see the tears in my eyes. it stinks. as i'm sure you all know.

    ok thanks!!!!

    Jen :)
  2. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    Do you belong to a Parent/Teacher organization? If so, maybe you can suggest some family events (movie night at school with popcorn or game board night at school). That would give you a chance to meet the other kids and their parents. Maybe a back-to-school party and as soon as possible the better - this can be a pot-luck at a near by park. If there is something the kids like to do (play on the playground) parents will more likely come.

    Or you can set up your own class gathering. I am sure others parents would like to meet each other also.

    Is there a girl that lives not too far away that you can invite over on the weekends. If difficult child has even one friend it may help. However, this is the age that triangles start. Girls learn how to put down each other - they just don't understand that it is possible to have more than one friend. If you ask difficult child which girl she would like over, she will probably choose the most popular girl who will not really be a good friend and may end up using difficult child to make herself look better. (girls don't plan on this, it just happens) If you can ask a teacher which girl in the class would best match difficult child in a friendship that is the person to ask over. Then have some things planned or they will just sit and look at each other.

    Maybe difficult child can provide a special snack - We found ice cream cake had eveyone's attention (not all kids would eat a cupcake or cookie but they all love icecream). Is there anything coming up to celebrate? difficult child's birthday or half birthday?, first day of fall?

    Look ahead in her social study and science book - find a handout that will add to a lesson. The teacher will publically thank difficult child for the item that each kid gets to take home.

    Kids seem to give attention to material items. You want to avoid difficult child "buying" friends, but if you are careful, you can use items to get their attention to notice difficult child. (like you candy idea)

    Is she involved in anything outside of school (Girl Scouts, dance, sports) were she can join other girls in an activity?
  3. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    I wish I had ideas. Are kids allowed to "share" food - ie give another kid candy? At our school they are not allowed to do this because so many kids have diet restrictions and so many will not eat if they are allowed to give it away. (It lets the cafeteria ladies who stand by the trash cans send kids back to sit down if they have the whole tray of food still there when they go to throw everything away- and it is AMAZING how many kids do this!)

    I would ask the teachers to help, if that is possible.

    As for what to tell her, I really don't know. thank you struggled some last year, mostly because he is sooo much smarter than most of the other kids. This year he is in the same class with the other kids who are way ahead (last year they were all spread between the teachers so each teacher would have at least one really smart kid, made zero sense to me.) Usually the teacher can help assign them to groups where the kids can and must work together, so it helps kids who don't have friends make some.

    You just have to help her appreciate her own strengths where and when possible. I would also ask teh guidance counsellor to help her - they are usually pretty good at this.

    I am sorry this week has been so lonesome and rough for her. I remember how horrible it feels, I spent a number of years that way.
  4. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The idea of class snacks is really good. There was a section in the latest Family Fun on back to school treats that had some great ideas. One idea was a "cake" made by stacking quartered slices of watermelon and topping iwth some other fruits to make a "fruit cake" that really looked cute AND easy. I thought of it because our teachers are always stressing healthy snacks. I have a carrot cake that has been a huge hit at school each year also - and is quite easy to make. But ANY treat is usually appreciated by the other kids.
  5. BestICan

    BestICan This community rocks.

    If you can't find a way to influence things at school, what about enrolling her in one or two extracurricular activities so that she has a shot at making friends in a smaller setting? Can she join a scout troop or take a gymnastics class? I've found that our Sunday School is very welcoming to kids with various issues - maybe you could look into something like that?

    I know at my difficult child's school he wasn't allowed to give out candy to the other kids - he tried today! But he did it after the bell rang and that worked out ok.
  6. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Hugs to you both. Miss KT was diagnosis'd about that age, and I'd been looking for an out of school activity that she would be good at, so she would have success at something. For her, it was karate. It gave her confidence, she got the positive reinforcement from Sensei and the aides, and she met people from all over the district, which was also good for her since there was always someone she could say hi to nearly everywhere we went.

    When she asked me why she had ADHD, I remember telling her that the front part of her brain had some damage to it because her heart rate went down right before she was born (I had an emergency C-section), and that it didn't mean she wasn't smart at school, it just meant she thought in a different way than some other people did. Everybody has one special talent, and we just needed to find hers.
  7. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    Wynter has always struggled with the friend and lunch room thing. It hoovers. When she was in elementary school (and before my relationship with the guidance counselor became adversarial), I spoke with the guidance counselor. She asked me who Wynter used to be friends with or who she would like to and she organized a group that met once or twice a week in her office after lunch. Another part of the reason is that one of the little girls that Wynter was friends with was friends with another girl and that friendship had become very exclusive and the guidance counselor was wanting to work on that, too.

    It wasn't a cure, but it helped a bit.
  8. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I know how hard this is. My difficult child has told me has no friends at his new school and hasn't been playing with anyone at lunch time (yet he seems so happy with his new school). It just breaks your heart. I think the others have given some really good suggestions. Sending hugs for your hurting mommy heart.
  9. Jena

    Jena New Member


    Thanks for all the responses. i appreciate your thoughts and time. the snack integrated in lesson plan is a kinda cool idea i never thought of that. i'm going after that one today at the school mtg. hard to think outside box at times.

    we are going to do medications at sept 9th pyscho doctor meeting. so that will help i'm sure to some extent.

    she just keeps having anxiety attacks when she feels self conscious and alone she oges to the nurse with whom i absolutely adore to no end she calms difficult child hugs her gives her a pretzel and makes her feel like there's someone there that loves her and is there for her.

    outside activities is very hard. she doesn't fair well at all. ex husband and i tonight are going to try to register her in a theatre group she has shown a great interest in singing and dancing so we are hoping she does it. she's already saying that she won't go on stage Occupational Therapist (OT) try out so we will see hwat happens.

    she's always afraid of everythign for the most part to be quite honest. so she doens't join anything and i've tried pushing it does not work. if tonight fails i'm going after brownies that i did last year and they had no troops left, then going to see if cheerleading has availability.

    she's got so much going on it's so hard to figure my way around it all for her. between the depression and anxiety and marked manic episodes then throw in the Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) obsessional thinking she feeds negativity to herself constantly.

    thanks though for all the ideas. i'm going to have to sit down later after school mtg and carefully read thru them again.

    in regards to telling her what is wrong with her. i cna't do it. i'm going to have to ask pyschdoc. it's too many things. if it was one thing i could wing it. she knows she has the anxiety disorder, yet to throw in depression, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), tics, and possible BiPolar (BP). whooo too much.

    have a great day everyone and thanks again!!!

  10. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I haven't read all responses because I need to get ready for work but two things that helped here- I always try to reinforce that it's good to be different (ie- unique, special, etc). As far as jump-startiing a social life- it isn't always easy or affordable, but throwing a party usually works. If her b-day isn't close, it could be a back-to-school party. If you don't want one at your home, we've done the skating rink, swimming pool, and Chuck-E-cheese's (when he was younger).
  11. Christy

    Christy New Member

    I would contact the school guidance counselor and explain the situation. Perhaps she/he could think of a few other students that could use a friend and arrange a "lunch bunch" as a way to get them acquainted.
  12. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Aw, Jen, I feel for you.
    You've gotten some great ideas here about snacks and items to share, and social groups. I'm glad you're having more testing done, but I bet she's getting sick of it! If the psychiatric is like yours, s/he will say things in a certain manner to your child and then you can imitate it when you get home. Our might say, "See how your foot is tapping like that, and your hand is going? That's what your mom is talking about when she tells you to calm down. That is caused by excess frontal lobe electrical impulses. Do you know what the frontal lobe is?"
    8 is not too young. (I know people who teach their kids about sex at 8 and I think the issues on this bb are at LEAST as important. :) ) But you don't have to overload her with-everything at once.