Any thoughts appreciated

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by SAMALAM, Sep 30, 2015.

  1. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    Here's my situation. My 18 yr old son going to be 19 in 3 months left our home 6 months ago to live with bio father. Left behind his 2 siblings mother and step father that raised him for 17 1/2 years has come back home crying wanting to live with us and promised to follow ALL rules. Which are simple and obvious. Well we have had nothing but issues and attitude from 18 ur old. He doesn't have a license no car no ambitious for anything. He spends his paycheck on anything he wants and doesn't help around home. Nothing. We are moving and he hasn't helped in any way to prepare for the move instead gives attitude cuz I disagree with him spending the night at 16yr old girlfriends house. So step father stated if he was to move 18yr old is to pay something every week that way he doesn't have to follow rules he then becomes a tenant. I'm having a hard time with this due to being full time student but he shows no responsibility in anything lack of respect has grown since hes been back in our home the past month. Are we wrong for telling him he needs to pay something a week or he can't move in with us? Please any advice or suggestions are deeply needed. Mind u I have 3 children and the youngest is 5 and learning very bad behavior over all the lack of respect.
     
  2. nlj

    nlj Well-Known Member

    What do you want Samalam?

    Do you want him to continue to live with you?

    He is old enough to start living independently.

    Do you think this might a good time to start afresh and make some changes to your family arrangements, as you are moving house?

    Maybe the best way your son could learn some maturity and responsibility would be to start out on his own independent adult life. You may find that this improves the relationship between him and all the other members of your family. It's difficult when there are younger children who witness unacceptable behaviour. I hope that you and your husband can maintain a united front. In my experience it's not worth allowing troubled children to cause strife between parents. I am step-mother to my husband's children and he is step-father to my troubled son. It's not easy to live in harmony in a blended family when there is one person causing unnecessary upset. You have lots to think about. I don't think I would continue to tolerate the situation as it is, so something has to change. I'm sure many other members will be along to share their experiences with you and this may help you to see better options for moving forward.

    Why did he leave his bio-dad's house? Was this his bio-dad's decision due to his unacceptable behaviour? Why did he leave your house to go to live with his bio-dad in the first place? Did he think he might be able to get away with doing as he pleased there?
     
  3. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    Thank you for your response. He left our home unexpectedly he just left one night and gave my husband the one he calls dad and has for 17 1/2 years a note saying he was going to his bio dads. He was gone for 6 months. Sadly to say things were going so smoothly. Relationships with all household members were great! We did everything as a family. As far as living with us no I would prefer him not to. I am sure that sounds cruel but mentally emotionally and physically I can not handle the stress he puts on all of us as a whole. My husband is beside himself over all of this. He didn't want him to come back due to the way he left and only allowed him to because of me and our common other 2 children. My daughter missed him they were close seeing there only 2 1/2 years apart. He left his bio dads house because of so called "being a jerk to him always riding him and wasn't treating him like an adult" but I can see why. I don't know what he thought bit obviously it didn't work and as a mom I opened my door to him. And now its bit me in the butt persay. If he left he really has no where else to go and the parent in me is keeping that in mind.
     
  4. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    He can go to a shelter. He can move in with a friend. Your parenting days ended the day he became 18. Your role after they turn 18 should be as an advisor. You did your job. He needs to do his.
     
  5. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    So its not wrong of my husband and I to persay "charge" him weekly if he has a job for room and board? Even tho he is still a full time student in high school?? Yes you heard that right still in high school. He has no interest in school so therefore ruke was as long as he wanted to live under our roof he needed to finish school.
     
  6. ksm

    ksm Well-Known Member

    Would it be better to get a GED? If I was to collect rent from him, I would, then save it fir several months, then use it as a deposit on an apartment, so he could move out for good... KSM
     
  7. mmburns670

    mmburns670 New Member

    I am so sorry for what you're going through! I have one thought...kids love to demand to be treated as adults, yet they want to behave like children! You can't have the freedom of an adult with the expectations of a child, it's one way or the other! Try sitting him down and explaining that and ask which he wants. If he wants to be treated like an adult, then either live on his own or pay rent to you. That will also have expectations like a landlord does for a tenant...no excess noise, keep it clean, outdoor maintenance, and also divide up utilities for him to pay a percentage. If there are 5 of you in your family, He pays 1/5 of mortgage or rent for his, 1/5 water, etc. If he doesn't want that, then he has to live by same expectations as the other kids. Either way he decides, have him sign a contract with very specific consequences if he doesn't comply. If he doesn't comply, he leaves, period. I know how hard it is, my 16 year old daughter thinks I'm Satan and wants to be emancipated, but because I have very strict expectations. I called Job Corp today because I'm seriously considering sending her there. She was never like this till she met her :censored2: boyfriend! Does anyone have any experience with Job Corp? Good luck to you! I'm praying for you!
     
  8. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Still in HS after age 18 without a compelling reason? If he'd missed school for a year due to illness, or had other conditions that would slow down his education, maybe there would be a reason. Otherwise? After his "normal" graduation date, it's absolutely fine to be charging him to live at home. He's not "just" a high school student any more - he's an ADULT. And adults pay their way.
     
  9. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    I thank everyone for there input. Update in such a short period of time, after speaking with son telling him to go "do something" apparently meant he packed his bag that he moved back in with and left. He didn't agree with our rules or agree with paying anything towards room and board so he left. He stated he was going to a friends house. However now I have his school calling me to find out why he wasn't in school today. Great is all I can come up with. I worked hard to get him back into school and the program he is in to not show up. I don't know if he even showed up for work today. I wanted to call and find out but then that is just creepy lol. He hasn't told his sister either where he is staying. Well like my husband states he's almost 19 what can ya do about it??? The mother in me has a stomach ache.
     
  10. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    Hi and welcome, SAM

    It may be for the best that he chose to move out on his own. He does not want to follow the rules or contribute to the household. He has the attitude that many of our young adult Difficult Child do: me, me, me.

    I hope that you will join us in the Parent Emeritus forum, where most of us parents of adult DCs hang out.

    Stay with us!

    Apple
     
  11. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    again I appreciate all the support. I did find out where he was staying the only unfortunate information I learned which really wasn't learned I kinda already figured he would state we kicked him out. Smh... I did clear that up with the adults that allowed him in there home. So hopefully this will bring a light to there curiosity of "how can a parent do such a thing". What they do with that information is now on them. Buy what I don't understand is how can another adult a grandmother of a girlfriend allow him not attend school or work. Smh again.
     
  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    That is to be expected. These young adults seem to always find someone that will buy their story. It gets old eventually. The grandmother was probably told some made-up story about why he isn't in school, too.
     
  13. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    I did not think of that. Because of his age he technically should be out of school. So I'll go with the I've already graduated or something to those sorts. I did state to the adult that he's missed 2 days now of school and that was unacceptable. But yet is there something I can physically do?? We live in new York and again he is 18 will be 19 in Jan. I have thought about what I have wanted and what is best for my other children and what is best for my marriage and I have come to a conclusion that it is better that he doesn't live with us. With him leaving like he did not only once but now twice. So that bridge has been burnt. Of course I'll always be here for him as his mother and support but I will not allowed to be walked over,disrespected, or our rules being broken. We have 2 other children that see all of this going on and I won't tolerate this behavior and our other 2 need to see there are consequences to bad behavior. Again I wouldn't nor did kick my child out I gave an altamatium he chose to leave..
     
  14. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    Hi Sam, welcome. So sorry for you troubles, a rough road to be on. We all want the best for all of our children, when they make bad choices it is hard on us.
    You are handling this well. You have done your job raising your child and he has shown by his attitude and actions that he does not want to be told what to do. He has basically said " It is my life and I will live as I choose.That is his right as an adult, just not in your home!
    You are very wise to focus on your young ones. They need your attention.
    I have been helped tremendously here. I hope your son is able to make better choices. With you remaining firm he will have to, that is a good thing.
    Great job Sam, keep it up!
     
  15. SAMALAM

    SAMALAM New Member

    Thank you very much for your reply. I am trying very hard to handle this in a calm matter and once I found out where he was I actually slept all night. My husband says I won't be able to know all the time where he is all the time but I tried to explain that when he leaves my home I should know. Especially when he's leaving on anger. It's just the mother in me. I just hope I'm making the right choices myself by standing firm. I feel as if a mother should always have there doors open to there children I know my mom's where. And I gave her a run for her money but laws have changed since then lol if I back talked and disrespectful I knew I was wrong she definitely showed that lol now u can't do crap to them except ground them lmao and what does that show them? When they are always in there room anyways. I can honestly say I do not miss the negative attitude the tip toe around
    And everyone on edge.
     
  16. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    I feel for you Sam, as mothers we want to know where our children are, even when they are adults. I thought too, my door should always be open. It is definitely different times, cost of living is high. In the old days, families stayed together. The key was, everybody HELPED. They did not hole themselves up in their rooms and affect the household with negativity and snarkiness. My daughters were like that. We tried and tried to help. We were all MISERABLE! The more we helped, the worse they became. We had a series of door closing and openings. Their behavior became so unacceptable, they kicked themselves out, ok we did, but essentially, they did. Then after awhile, they would come around with promises of change wanting to come back home. Not both at the same time, so it became even more crazy with two difficult children one with children of her own going through a revolving door. Our poor young son went through this too. We finally learned the open door policy just didn't work for these two. You see we wanted to help them, they wanted to USE us, and use drugs and all the other stuff that comes with that. They pull at our heartstrings and mother love. They despise our rules, they just want housing. We have homes, they are supposed to be our sanctuary, not a battle zone.
    Yes, you will wonder where your son is. You will miss him, the boy he was, the memories. He is grown up, not the age you would normally separate, but his attitude and choices have forced your hand. You will do yourself, your babies, your husband and your son a big favor, by standing firm. Be strong Mama Bear, fight for your younger Cubs while showing this rebellious one you will not stand for his shenanigans. You have a chance to show them all that you will not put up with the ugliness, it is unacceptable. You have a chance to help your son understand that you will not be participating in his "nightmare" lifestyle. You may never know, it may just be the thing he needs to wake up.
    Keep visiting and posting. You are not alone, we understand.
    (((Hugs)))
     
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