Any Warrior Moms Reading Right Now? Need Some Quick Help...

[DaisyFace]

thank you will LET his mother live???

Ok, so I know your deadline is past but really, we should turn this into a game of sorts don't you think? Who can come up with the "best" positive goal for difficult child?

Let's see, safety is the main thing. So how could you write that as a positive goal -

When frustrated, difficult child will only break the dishes purchased for this purpose after asking her mother for permission in 9 out of 10 trials.

Mmm no.

When upset, difficult child will go to her room when asked and stay there for 2 minutes in 9 out of 10 trials.

Better.

When upset, difficult child will go to her room when asked without touching, hitting, pinching, biting, kicking or otherwise assaulting DS in 9 out of 10 trials.

Getting in the groove here.

When enraged, difficult child will leave the house without assaulting a family member in 9 out of 10 trials.

When enraged, difficult child will leave the house without assaulting a family member and voluntarily return home the same day in 9 out of 10 trials.

There. How's that for a start? she asked smiling brightly.

LOL! I love it!!! Too funny!

 

[DaisyFace]

Yes...the deadline is past.

I came up with 13 goals (all positive) such as difficult child will refrain from threatening family members throughout each day....and difficult child will maintain passing grades in all classes...

I haven't heard back yet.

I guess we'll see...

 

[Star*]

thank you will let his mother live ?????? GOOD ONE! Definitely a keeper.

Daisy I'm positive you did remarkable as usual! I'm however, NOT so sure about your caseworker. (as usual)

 

[HaoZi]

A little late to the party, but
difficult child will learn to manage and express her anger and disappointment in ways that do not damage the physical and/or psychological well-being of others.

 

[JJJ]

Given 1-2 prompts, difficult child will stop hitting easy child with 70% compliance.

Remember that we must praise 'successful approximations' of our goals.

 

[Marguerite]

When requested difficult child will cease choking the living &(* out of any other individual in the home, no matter how annoying they may have been.

Daisy will also refrain from trying to physically knock some sense into the head of the therapist, no matter how extreme the provocation.

Marg

 

[DaisyFace]

These are hilarious!!!

I needed that...

 

[DDD]

Glad it's behind you. Also glad you included a school one. Great job....of course, it will be interesting what the response may be from the system. DDD

PS: I bet the Board could come up with some outstanding measurable goals for "the system".
Number One suggestion: The system shall listen to the parent and accept that the parents know best.

 

[susiestar]

Exactly who wrote the rule that all brains must be removed before a person can get a job as a case worker/"system" employee? Cause I swear that is what we have encountered. I know a woman who works for the system in my area. Knew her in high school too. I swear that ALL of her brains/common sense/ability to even recognize logic has been removed. It is sad to say but she had a LOT more common sense and ability to think in high school. And she was one of the wild behavior/bad grades crowd. But your case worker could be her sibling.

 

[Shari]

DF, I'm sorry, I hate &^^%$@&^%)*&^&%#$^%@#)*)&$&( behavior charts.

So tell case worker to write that as a goal "difficult child will respond to the $(*&@*&^$&@_*_%^&^@#%^)(%*^&%_(*@ behavior chart"

 

[Marg's Man]

Now I'm confused...
Do you mean a &^^%$@&^%)*&^&%#$^%@#)*)&$&( behavior chart

or a

$(*&@*&^$&@_*_%^&^@#%^)(%*^&%_(*@ behavior chart?

These are different types of behavior chart but both have an equal level of [large goldfish the site censor disallows].

 

[Marguerite]

Now who's being a naughty boy? Wait til you see the behaviour chart I've got for you when you get home!

marg

 

[TerryJ2]

OMG, ROFL! I love this board!

I have nothing useful to add here, not to mention I'm a day late ... but just wanted to commisserate, DF. OMG, to think that our tax dollars pay for these bureaucrats.

Slsh, ROFL!

 

[HaoZi]

Have you gotten their reaction yet?

 

[slsh]

Glad you enjoyed thank you's goal - it must've worked 'cuz I'm still here.

Seriously though I've been thinking about this whole behavior chart crud and am on a slow burn over it (again). We started a behavior chart at 3, with a heavy reward system. It became rapidly apparently that rewards actually provoked negative behavior in thank you, consistently. School/daycare did reward chart with the same stellar results. By the time he was 6, thank you was breaking out windows in our home and putting holes in our walls. At 7, during a Ritalin-induced rage, he took scissors and cut my phone line when I was trying to call 911. Daily hitting/kicking/biting/spitting had become the norm, as well as destruction of property. All sharps/medications/poisons were locked up by age 8, and there was nothing fragile left in our home because he'd broke them all. Because the situation wasn't improving (and because of 3 moves between the age of 5 and 7), we had contact with a lot of new professionals, and every stinking one of them would start with the behavior chart. AGAIN!

I wonder why that seems to be the default solution. Is that the best the psychological community has to offer us? Are parents held in such low esteem in that community that it's assumed we're total idiots and therefore incapable of implementing a behavior chart/reward system without them holding our hand? Is it laziness? Or done just to have the appearance of "doing" something? It is ennui or incompetence? It's all fine and good to reward good behavior (negative response to it notwithstanding), but I feel like the psychiatric community is *completely* missing the point that for some of our kids, anything remotely resembling "good" behavior is rare and in the meantime, family members and school staff are having the crud beat out of them or are subjected to some very scary threats - and you have to assume follow thru in a kid with zero impulse control. To say nothing of how utterly insane it is to "reward" a kid for not punching Mom when directed to brush his teeth (real goal). I mean, when you end up with goals like that, you've seriously crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

It seems to me that any rational person would take a look at DF's goals and say "whoa, we're way past a behavior chart." The kid is 15, has got cause/effect down, obviously couldn't give a rat's behind about cause/effect much less the impact her choices are having on herself to say nothing of the people around her, and yet there DF is, expected to put stars on a behavior chart (figuratively hopefully, but literally wouldn't surprise me). It's like a bandaid for a brain hemorrhage.

It's frustrating because people's physical safety as well as emotional health are being put in serious jeopardy, with the full knowledge and apparent complicity of the professionals who are supposed to be able to help us.

Sorry - I know this reads like a slam against the entire psychiatric community. It's not meant to be - only the one-trick ponies. There have been some really good professionals out there who were on the ball and understood what we were dealing with, who paid attention from the get-go and got the paradox that was my kid.

I'm wondering if somehow we, the parents, aren't saying the magic words to get the behavior-charters off their backsides and take notice of dangerous situations. Obviously, "we've already done that" isn't working. Has anyone ever gotten a professional to skip behavior chart #4,352,413 and move on to the next step in behavior mod/mgmt? What did you say?

 

[DaisyFace]

I wonder why that seems to be the default solution. Is that the best the psychological community has to offer us? Are parents held in such low esteem in that community that it's assumed we're total idiots and therefore incapable of implementing a behavior chart/reward system without them holding our hand? Is it laziness? Or done just to have the appearance of "doing" something? It is ennui or incompetence? It's all fine and good to reward good behavior (negative response to it notwithstanding), but I feel like the psychiatric community is *completely* missing the point that for some of our kids, anything remotely resembling "good" behavior is rare and in the meantime, family members and school staff are having the crud beat out of them or are subjected to some very scary threats - and you have to assume follow thru in a kid with zero impulse control. To say nothing of how utterly insane it is to "reward" a kid for not punching Mom when directed to brush his teeth (real goal). I mean, when you end up with goals like that, you've seriously crossed over into the Twilight Zone.

It seems to me that any rational person would take a look at DF's goals and say "whoa, we're way past a behavior chart." The kid is 15, has got cause/effect down, obviously couldn't give a rat's behind about cause/effect much less the impact her choices are having on herself to say nothing of the people around her, and yet there DF is, expected to put stars on a behavior chart (figuratively hopefully, but literally wouldn't surprise me). It's like a bandaid for a brain hemorrhage.

It's frustrating because people's physical safety as well as emotional health are being put in serious jeopardy, with the full knowledge and apparent complicity of the professionals who are supposed to be able to help us.

Exactly!

I feel like you - it's ridiculous that we are going to be expected to reward our just-about-16-year-old for NOT injuring her little brother. At her age, she should be able to babysit the neighborhood children - but NO...I'm going to be putting stickers or marking stars or promising ice cream cones cause "she only hit him once this week! Yay!!!".

husband is just disgusted.

An No (for anyone keeping track) I have NOT heard back yet....so despite the "urgency" and the need to get my goals to her THAT DAY - there has been precious little follow-through.

Perhaps I should submit a behavior chart for the caseworker, too? Will respond to emails / phone calls within 24 hours 7 out of 10 times...

 

[TerryJ2]

Daisy will also refrain from trying to physically knock some sense into the head of the therapist, no matter how extreme the provocation.

What? No beating the CPS workers and therapists? What will we do for fun?

 

[TerryJ2]

I love this: It's like a bandaid for a brain hemorrhage.

 

[DaisyFace]

Daisy will also refrain from trying to physically knock some sense into the head of the therapist, no matter how extreme the provocation.

What? No beating the CPS workers and therapists? What will we do for fun?

No, No - apparantly, if we phrase it correctly....I might be able to get a few licks in and still get a gold star!

"Daisy will refrain from physically knocking the therapists and caseworkers more than 2x per week."

Only knocked them once this week? Yay! I get ice cream!

 

[rlsnights]

Wonder what would have happened if you'd said No I won't do the behavior chart. This is so far past behavior chart that we are talking about my daughter having her brother's blood on her hands. Are you prepared to take responsibility for that? Because if it happens while you guys are trying to make her do a behavior chart you can bet I will be talking to anyone and everyone including the media about it. And you will not look good. I want to speak to your supervisor. Today.

Has anyone ever tried calling their local Congressional representative or Senator's office for help with these situations? Your State Department of Health - or whichever agency oversees the agency you're dealing with?

I think the behavior chart thing comes up because it really does work with a lot of kids and the parents actually haven't done it. Plus it's the easiest intervention to put in place quickly, it's easy to define and describe to families, it's totally on the family to enforce ... and it's the easiest thing for the social worker to remember from his/her classes don't you think?

But our kids are not "a lot of kids" they are the ones that are special and for whom behavior charts don't work or are negative reinforcers/triggers.

I do think we have to get really literal with these folks about our kids and clearly describe the potentially lethal or injurious behavior we are dealing with. In words of one syllable or less. If they still don't listen, then we may have to make it very clear to them that our family could be on the front page tomorrow if they don't act today.

That's when pictures of injuries and damage to your prooperty, a diary of police calls, medical follow ups - evidence of the danger may be needed.

The scary thing for us is knowing that making this clear to "the authorities" also means that what happens next may be out of our control. Every time we call the police we know they may decide to take him to juvie and charge him and the judge may decide he cannot come home, etc. But not to call them is not a solution.

Patricia