Mattsmom277
Active Member
My s/o's sister lives in town here. She is his only family local to us, along with her husband and 2 teen children. I actually met s/o through her. She and I lived for a few years about a block or so apart on the military base, and in base communities, you meet everyone. Anyhow, we were more acquantances than friends when I met her bro, and obviously by involving my life with his, our "friendship" grew. As I got to know her more in depth, she seemed to find me to be her "go to person" with her "issues".
Over about 2 years I learned more and more about her marriage woes, her financial woes, etc. I didn't particularly want to know all her lifes inner workings. It was tough to escape however as I was by then immeshed via my s/o, into the family. I learned that I probably wouldn't have chosen to be "friends" but would have remained at a acquaintance level, had s/o and I not been together. She and I are very different people, and the more I learned of her life and doings, the more I really didn't respect her as a person, a friend, a mother, a wife, at all really. She has some lovely qualities, however her life is a total train wreck and she owns none of it, and has the blame game down to a art.
Anyhow, over 6 years we've watched her addiction to gambling drown her family. I learned she already bankrupted her husband twice, and I couldnt' understand what kept him with her. (He's a good guy, finally realized that he just can't leave her, he loves her, loves his kids, more importantly, was an orphan raised in orphanage and she and her family are his only family, he'd sever an arm before walking out on his family or before losing the only family he has). Her children are both having major problems and I've watched her actions affect them in so many ways for a long time. Recently her son (15) was caught attempting to do something sexual to his sister (17). She doesn't back her husband in his insistence that her son leave the home and get intense help. Last year, her husband retired from the military. Due to her financial past, he of course needed to find a new civilian career as despite full pension, he can't afford to retire. He has been living since last summer, a 5 hour drive away and working on a military base in a civilian position. Her and the kids are here still and the more freedom she has had, the more problems that have occurred.
She has become highly addicted to narcotic painkillers. She is hanging out with complete low lifes. Lies constantly, a given considering the high level of addiction and abuse going on. Her life is in shambles. Her kids are a mess and she is NEVER home. Her husband is desperately trying to fix his family and his wife, from a long distance away, while unable to get a handle on day to day things from such a far distance.
I've been increasingly worried about her driving. She is literally out and about from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed. She might pop home long enough to tell kids what to make for dinner, or drop off something for them to eat when more often than not there is nothing in the house for them unless she stops home to drop some groceries. Nobody knows for sure where spends her time, day in and out. She did have an affair but it seems to be over. Druggie friends homes is the new guess. She is driving daily from place to place to avoid going home. driving in her state is absolutely a bad plan. She has shown up here so many times just a complete wreck, slurring, stumbling, nodding off mid sentence. She is so far up the denial road. She has admitted her addictions, played up on attempts for sympathy, pretended she was invested in her own recovery, etc. She has taken to buying methadone on the street when her husband is home for weekends or holidays. In attempts to not appear to be still using to him, and to avoid withdrawl while he is home. We always know that within minutes of him heading back to work out of town, she is off again and won't be seen much until his next trip home.
She often manipulates us into loaning her money. I HATE IT!!!! And my s/o hates it. We get sucked in when she shows up broke (all her money spent at $20 a pill - oxy's - which she takes 3-4 of at a time, several times a day) with one or both kids in tow, and there is no food. We end up giving the money to her oldest to get groceries. We want the kids to eat obviously. Yet it is NOT okay with us and we want to stop. Period. We care for the kids, but she is manipulating us via that. She knows we'd never give her money to use for drugs. So she uses her husbands money for the drugs, then uses the kids to get grocery money out of us. Another time it was having her daughter call us when their power went out due to unpaid bill.
Things are coming to a head. Last Tuesday, she had her first ever car accident. Crashed into a van in front of her, doing about $6K worth of damage to her vehicles front end (a new vehicle, pricey SUV). Thankfully nobody was hurt. S/O and I both knew she was high and nodding off at the wheel. Two days later, on Thursday, the rental given to her while her SUV is in the shop, turned up with a huge dent and missing paint on the rear end. She claimed someone must have swiped her and drove off while in a parking lot. We know it was a lie, it was obvious. It was completely her doing the swiping and driving off. Then on Saturday she drove straight through a highway intersection against the light, slammed on brakes half way through the intersection and cursed herself, then backed up into the lane she should have waited in. In doing so, she made a bad situation as cars were crossing through at the time, and her backing up was what NOT to do, she should have continued through. She of course said it was the sun in her eyes. Her husband is freaking, the poor man. Later that night, s/o and I were eating a late dinner outside and enjoying our first bbq of the year. She showed up, apparently had been missing from home for hours. Had some really out of it looking very young girl in the car. She staggered (literally) across the lawn to us and tried to hock us 2 bottles of pricey his and hers perfume/cologne. With hubby home, she has zero access to funds. My s/o was in tears after she drove off (of course we didn't purchased it). She stumbled and nearly fell crossing the lawn to her car to leave. He immediatly called her husband, which was hard on him as he hates to stress out her husband any more than he is. That is when we learned that she'd lied (again using us as a excuse) and told him she was popping over here for a tea/visit, and been gone for hours as easter dinner was cooked and drying up. S/O told her husband what was happening, that he was very worried about her driving but didn't have the rentals license plate number or he'd have called the police for impaired. Her husband broke down and ended the call quickly to call police himself. Guess they must not have found her, as we've not heard that she was picked up.
So, we're trying to figure out what we can do in our house to stop this madness. We don't want her here when she's high, period. And we no longer want to hear a word about her situation unless and until she is actively in rehab. We no longer want to give her a penny, even if its for groceries. We know that this is no different than buying her drugs for her. We no longer want to hear her "plans" to get clean. We are in the awkward position that as only family in town, her husband gets info from us that he can't find out otherwise given his job being so far away. Yet having a strung out junkie in our home is not working for us, and I'm sick of my young easy child asking what is wrong with auntie K. Worse even, she has never clued in to my subtle (and sometimes not subtle but rather, in your face direct) implying that I do not want to be her therapist, her confidante, her bank, her anything. She seems to think I'm the go to person to unburden. She knows s/o's schedule and shows up when he is not here to tell her to back off (or better yet, leave???) and I end up hearing all this stuff and it drives me nuts. She asks my advice, gets ****** if I give it to her, gets mad if I tell her I have no advice to offer.
I've told s/o that since this is his sister, he has to do something. He avoids conflict at all cost, he's very quiet and just avoids things. In many ways a good trait, we can talk problems out without drama due to this aversion of his to confrontation. But it is a hindrence when I need him to be the one to take a stand on something such as this. I've tried to show his sister that he and i are done with her situation and want well for her but don't want this in our lives any longer. I've even had 2 pretty nasty dramatic scenes with her over the past year. She continues. It really is time for s/o to do whatever he must to get it through to her.
Anybody have any suggestions I can make to my S/O? He really does want to put a stop to it, he will work himself up to what to do/say when we think she's showing up, then she won't show. (typical of her) Then she shows up out of the blue and he's not prepared and the opportunity passes. I want to support him and help him in addressing this with her. He isn't avoiding doing something or saying something simply because he doesn't want to. He is literally stuck on how to say something as he's not one to bring up problems. What he would like to tell her is: He doesn't want her here when he is not home as it puts a burden on me to cope with her games and he is fed up with her doing that. He does not want to loan her another penny, period. He does not want to see her if she is on something, period. He does not want to hear her speak about her problem any more as she always tries to play us and say she is clean when she's higher than a kite. He wants her to know that if he sees she is under influence, he will report her to police to hope they find her and stop her driving, even if it means an obvious arrest. He wants her to know that he loves her but she's ruining her life and destroying her family and that he will stand by her if she gets help and takes it seriously but he will meanwhile be there for her husband and children if need be instead of her.
He has, to his credit, gotten into it with her several times in the past month or so. Challenging her lies of being clean, asking pointed questions. But she stalks off in a huff and it isn't effective or helpful really. He knows that, he is just floundering, trying to say and do what he wants to do, but clueless on how to do it.
I'm very sorry this is so long. It is such a prevelent issue in our lives right now and as much as I don't like her much or respect her at all at this time, she is his sister and he loves her very much. We both do want well for her. We are just at our wits end and it is invading our lives and we want off the roller coaster. Any ideas that might help S/O constructively approach her would be so appreciated. He is a wreck about it, and starting to feel ashamed I think that his own aversion to conflict is permitting her to continue to bring her problems into our lives. I know he truly does want to put a stop to our involvement in the situation. I know he'd be open to me reading him any words of advice, wisdom, been there done that experiences any of you might have.
Over about 2 years I learned more and more about her marriage woes, her financial woes, etc. I didn't particularly want to know all her lifes inner workings. It was tough to escape however as I was by then immeshed via my s/o, into the family. I learned that I probably wouldn't have chosen to be "friends" but would have remained at a acquaintance level, had s/o and I not been together. She and I are very different people, and the more I learned of her life and doings, the more I really didn't respect her as a person, a friend, a mother, a wife, at all really. She has some lovely qualities, however her life is a total train wreck and she owns none of it, and has the blame game down to a art.
Anyhow, over 6 years we've watched her addiction to gambling drown her family. I learned she already bankrupted her husband twice, and I couldnt' understand what kept him with her. (He's a good guy, finally realized that he just can't leave her, he loves her, loves his kids, more importantly, was an orphan raised in orphanage and she and her family are his only family, he'd sever an arm before walking out on his family or before losing the only family he has). Her children are both having major problems and I've watched her actions affect them in so many ways for a long time. Recently her son (15) was caught attempting to do something sexual to his sister (17). She doesn't back her husband in his insistence that her son leave the home and get intense help. Last year, her husband retired from the military. Due to her financial past, he of course needed to find a new civilian career as despite full pension, he can't afford to retire. He has been living since last summer, a 5 hour drive away and working on a military base in a civilian position. Her and the kids are here still and the more freedom she has had, the more problems that have occurred.
She has become highly addicted to narcotic painkillers. She is hanging out with complete low lifes. Lies constantly, a given considering the high level of addiction and abuse going on. Her life is in shambles. Her kids are a mess and she is NEVER home. Her husband is desperately trying to fix his family and his wife, from a long distance away, while unable to get a handle on day to day things from such a far distance.
I've been increasingly worried about her driving. She is literally out and about from the time she wakes up until she goes to bed. She might pop home long enough to tell kids what to make for dinner, or drop off something for them to eat when more often than not there is nothing in the house for them unless she stops home to drop some groceries. Nobody knows for sure where spends her time, day in and out. She did have an affair but it seems to be over. Druggie friends homes is the new guess. She is driving daily from place to place to avoid going home. driving in her state is absolutely a bad plan. She has shown up here so many times just a complete wreck, slurring, stumbling, nodding off mid sentence. She is so far up the denial road. She has admitted her addictions, played up on attempts for sympathy, pretended she was invested in her own recovery, etc. She has taken to buying methadone on the street when her husband is home for weekends or holidays. In attempts to not appear to be still using to him, and to avoid withdrawl while he is home. We always know that within minutes of him heading back to work out of town, she is off again and won't be seen much until his next trip home.
She often manipulates us into loaning her money. I HATE IT!!!! And my s/o hates it. We get sucked in when she shows up broke (all her money spent at $20 a pill - oxy's - which she takes 3-4 of at a time, several times a day) with one or both kids in tow, and there is no food. We end up giving the money to her oldest to get groceries. We want the kids to eat obviously. Yet it is NOT okay with us and we want to stop. Period. We care for the kids, but she is manipulating us via that. She knows we'd never give her money to use for drugs. So she uses her husbands money for the drugs, then uses the kids to get grocery money out of us. Another time it was having her daughter call us when their power went out due to unpaid bill.
Things are coming to a head. Last Tuesday, she had her first ever car accident. Crashed into a van in front of her, doing about $6K worth of damage to her vehicles front end (a new vehicle, pricey SUV). Thankfully nobody was hurt. S/O and I both knew she was high and nodding off at the wheel. Two days later, on Thursday, the rental given to her while her SUV is in the shop, turned up with a huge dent and missing paint on the rear end. She claimed someone must have swiped her and drove off while in a parking lot. We know it was a lie, it was obvious. It was completely her doing the swiping and driving off. Then on Saturday she drove straight through a highway intersection against the light, slammed on brakes half way through the intersection and cursed herself, then backed up into the lane she should have waited in. In doing so, she made a bad situation as cars were crossing through at the time, and her backing up was what NOT to do, she should have continued through. She of course said it was the sun in her eyes. Her husband is freaking, the poor man. Later that night, s/o and I were eating a late dinner outside and enjoying our first bbq of the year. She showed up, apparently had been missing from home for hours. Had some really out of it looking very young girl in the car. She staggered (literally) across the lawn to us and tried to hock us 2 bottles of pricey his and hers perfume/cologne. With hubby home, she has zero access to funds. My s/o was in tears after she drove off (of course we didn't purchased it). She stumbled and nearly fell crossing the lawn to her car to leave. He immediatly called her husband, which was hard on him as he hates to stress out her husband any more than he is. That is when we learned that she'd lied (again using us as a excuse) and told him she was popping over here for a tea/visit, and been gone for hours as easter dinner was cooked and drying up. S/O told her husband what was happening, that he was very worried about her driving but didn't have the rentals license plate number or he'd have called the police for impaired. Her husband broke down and ended the call quickly to call police himself. Guess they must not have found her, as we've not heard that she was picked up.
So, we're trying to figure out what we can do in our house to stop this madness. We don't want her here when she's high, period. And we no longer want to hear a word about her situation unless and until she is actively in rehab. We no longer want to give her a penny, even if its for groceries. We know that this is no different than buying her drugs for her. We no longer want to hear her "plans" to get clean. We are in the awkward position that as only family in town, her husband gets info from us that he can't find out otherwise given his job being so far away. Yet having a strung out junkie in our home is not working for us, and I'm sick of my young easy child asking what is wrong with auntie K. Worse even, she has never clued in to my subtle (and sometimes not subtle but rather, in your face direct) implying that I do not want to be her therapist, her confidante, her bank, her anything. She seems to think I'm the go to person to unburden. She knows s/o's schedule and shows up when he is not here to tell her to back off (or better yet, leave???) and I end up hearing all this stuff and it drives me nuts. She asks my advice, gets ****** if I give it to her, gets mad if I tell her I have no advice to offer.
I've told s/o that since this is his sister, he has to do something. He avoids conflict at all cost, he's very quiet and just avoids things. In many ways a good trait, we can talk problems out without drama due to this aversion of his to confrontation. But it is a hindrence when I need him to be the one to take a stand on something such as this. I've tried to show his sister that he and i are done with her situation and want well for her but don't want this in our lives any longer. I've even had 2 pretty nasty dramatic scenes with her over the past year. She continues. It really is time for s/o to do whatever he must to get it through to her.
Anybody have any suggestions I can make to my S/O? He really does want to put a stop to it, he will work himself up to what to do/say when we think she's showing up, then she won't show. (typical of her) Then she shows up out of the blue and he's not prepared and the opportunity passes. I want to support him and help him in addressing this with her. He isn't avoiding doing something or saying something simply because he doesn't want to. He is literally stuck on how to say something as he's not one to bring up problems. What he would like to tell her is: He doesn't want her here when he is not home as it puts a burden on me to cope with her games and he is fed up with her doing that. He does not want to loan her another penny, period. He does not want to see her if she is on something, period. He does not want to hear her speak about her problem any more as she always tries to play us and say she is clean when she's higher than a kite. He wants her to know that if he sees she is under influence, he will report her to police to hope they find her and stop her driving, even if it means an obvious arrest. He wants her to know that he loves her but she's ruining her life and destroying her family and that he will stand by her if she gets help and takes it seriously but he will meanwhile be there for her husband and children if need be instead of her.
He has, to his credit, gotten into it with her several times in the past month or so. Challenging her lies of being clean, asking pointed questions. But she stalks off in a huff and it isn't effective or helpful really. He knows that, he is just floundering, trying to say and do what he wants to do, but clueless on how to do it.
I'm very sorry this is so long. It is such a prevelent issue in our lives right now and as much as I don't like her much or respect her at all at this time, she is his sister and he loves her very much. We both do want well for her. We are just at our wits end and it is invading our lives and we want off the roller coaster. Any ideas that might help S/O constructively approach her would be so appreciated. He is a wreck about it, and starting to feel ashamed I think that his own aversion to conflict is permitting her to continue to bring her problems into our lives. I know he truly does want to put a stop to our involvement in the situation. I know he'd be open to me reading him any words of advice, wisdom, been there done that experiences any of you might have.
