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<blockquote data-quote="scent of cedar" data-source="post: 346153" data-attributes="member: 1721"><p>Gran2Angels, I think you ARE taking those first steps that will see you reclaiming your right to your own life. You recognize your daughter's behaviors for what they are. That is a huge first step for all of us, I think. Acknowledging that our son was less victim than opportunist was a personal devastation for me. As I think may be happening to you now, I couldn't reconcile the dream child in my heart with the real, grown-to-adulthood man who seemed to hate me, who swore I had never done enough to help him, who accused me of stringing him along to keep him dependent, and who, while gobbling up incredible amounts of money, time, and emotional currency, threatened continually never to see me again. </p><p></p><p>I had always seen my son as a child (even when he passed his thirtieth birthday) and as an innocent victim. Excusing behaviors I should never have allowed, I fought for my victimized child with every ounce of energy I had. It was horrible to understand that the enemy I was fighting for the sake of the child of my heart was the person that child had chosen to become.</p><p></p><p>Horrible.</p><p></p><p>My heart goes out to you, and to your grandchildren. It may help you to start a bank account for them. Nothing much, nothing more than you can afford, but over time, when they are old enough to come to you on their own, there will be proof of your love for them, proof that you never forgot them. (This part is really important. Use the money you would have given your daughter to start and add to the account. If you normally would have bought the kids school clothes, stick that in there, too. When your daughter calls for money, say no. But put it in the account for the kids. In this way, you are reclaiming yourself. When our children are monsters, one of the things that happens is that we can never be generous, like other grandparents. We can never love our families freely, without having the child change it into something awful, something that wasn't enough, or that came too late.) In the interim, you can send cards ro your grandchildren with McDonald's certificates inside, or pieces of gum or quarters taped inside. Children remember. Especially if their lives are difficult, those acts of kindness from someone outside the chaos who loves them will mean everything to them.</p><p></p><p>I am using one of my older screen names, as the most recent "Scent of Cedar" would not come up. I think there will be a link at the end of my posts to a detachment site that will help you see the dynamics of your relationship to your daughter more clearly. If that listing isn't at the bottom of this post, I know that Suz has that link at the bottom of her posts. However we do it, we will try to post that link for you. It helped me more than I can tell you.</p><p></p><p>Know that we wish you well, Gran2Angels. Everyone seems to think that when a problem child hits 18, the worst of it is over. But that is not true. Part of a woman's life (and a man's, too) is loving her children's children. Generosity is a part of that. We can so easily give the things we could not afford, for our own children. We understand life differently, we love differently, by the time we have grandchildren. These things, this growth and fulfillment, are taken from us by our monster children, our difficult child children.</p><p></p><p>That is a sad and terrible thing. Nonetheless, that is our situation. We must face it head on and deal with it through choice. Refuse to be a victim to your daughter any longer. </p><p></p><p>It will take time for you to recover from the violence done you by your daughter. But you will recover. There will always be a missing place at the table, a place in your heart that echoes because it will never be filled with the images and memories other parents and grandparents are so fortunate to have.</p><p></p><p>I know you are strong enough to accept and go on, from here.</p><p></p><p>Barbara</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="scent of cedar, post: 346153, member: 1721"] Gran2Angels, I think you ARE taking those first steps that will see you reclaiming your right to your own life. You recognize your daughter's behaviors for what they are. That is a huge first step for all of us, I think. Acknowledging that our son was less victim than opportunist was a personal devastation for me. As I think may be happening to you now, I couldn't reconcile the dream child in my heart with the real, grown-to-adulthood man who seemed to hate me, who swore I had never done enough to help him, who accused me of stringing him along to keep him dependent, and who, while gobbling up incredible amounts of money, time, and emotional currency, threatened continually never to see me again. I had always seen my son as a child (even when he passed his thirtieth birthday) and as an innocent victim. Excusing behaviors I should never have allowed, I fought for my victimized child with every ounce of energy I had. It was horrible to understand that the enemy I was fighting for the sake of the child of my heart was the person that child had chosen to become. Horrible. My heart goes out to you, and to your grandchildren. It may help you to start a bank account for them. Nothing much, nothing more than you can afford, but over time, when they are old enough to come to you on their own, there will be proof of your love for them, proof that you never forgot them. (This part is really important. Use the money you would have given your daughter to start and add to the account. If you normally would have bought the kids school clothes, stick that in there, too. When your daughter calls for money, say no. But put it in the account for the kids. In this way, you are reclaiming yourself. When our children are monsters, one of the things that happens is that we can never be generous, like other grandparents. We can never love our families freely, without having the child change it into something awful, something that wasn't enough, or that came too late.) In the interim, you can send cards ro your grandchildren with McDonald's certificates inside, or pieces of gum or quarters taped inside. Children remember. Especially if their lives are difficult, those acts of kindness from someone outside the chaos who loves them will mean everything to them. I am using one of my older screen names, as the most recent "Scent of Cedar" would not come up. I think there will be a link at the end of my posts to a detachment site that will help you see the dynamics of your relationship to your daughter more clearly. If that listing isn't at the bottom of this post, I know that Suz has that link at the bottom of her posts. However we do it, we will try to post that link for you. It helped me more than I can tell you. Know that we wish you well, Gran2Angels. Everyone seems to think that when a problem child hits 18, the worst of it is over. But that is not true. Part of a woman's life (and a man's, too) is loving her children's children. Generosity is a part of that. We can so easily give the things we could not afford, for our own children. We understand life differently, we love differently, by the time we have grandchildren. These things, this growth and fulfillment, are taken from us by our monster children, our difficult child children. That is a sad and terrible thing. Nonetheless, that is our situation. We must face it head on and deal with it through choice. Refuse to be a victim to your daughter any longer. It will take time for you to recover from the violence done you by your daughter. But you will recover. There will always be a missing place at the table, a place in your heart that echoes because it will never be filled with the images and memories other parents and grandparents are so fortunate to have. I know you are strong enough to accept and go on, from here. Barbara [/QUOTE]
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