Anyone want to help me write a letter?

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by DammitJanet, Aug 25, 2007.

  1. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am thinking about writing a letter to Cory instead of trying to keep going over all the same old thing over and over on the phone time and time again. I think it might sink in better if he could read it a time or two.

    I dont think there is a snowballs chance in hell he is gonna get out at least until his court date in September. Then I have no idea. He could actually plead guilty at that time and get his sentence I suppose if he has worked out a plea agreement.

    I want to write to him and tell him what I think he needs to think about and do while he is in there. What do you think?
  2. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    Janet - go ahead and write the letter. It will at least help you put your thoughts in perspective.

    As to whether you actually send it to him, that's another story. But I think it would be theraputic for you to at least write it, then see how you feel about him reading it.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you are taking care of yourself in all this........
  3. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    LOL Skeeter...Im such a basket case right now my therapist actually took me out to Shoney's to do therapy last week instead of doing in her office because she felt that it would be a less sterile environment and I needed to be someplace that I could let my hair down even Someplace I could smoke, drink, and even eat if I wanted to.

    She actually asked me if I wanted to meet at Ruby Tuesdays so I could get a margarita! LMAO....Wonder if I could get an IV of them.
  4. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    I agree with Skeeter about writing the letter for your benefit at least. We wish so much that our kids hear us but until they are ready, they don't.

    I know when Rob went away I wrote many letters and never mailed them. I allowed myself the luxury of writing about my angry feelings and sad feelings and I lectured him and said "I told you so"... then I edited... and revised ad infinitum... and ultimately deleted them.

    The downside of putting thoughts on paper and sending them is that you can't take them back later if you want to. I didn't want Rob to have something concrete he could wave in my face and I'm glad I made that decision.

    I doubt if Cory is ready to hear you whether it's in writing, in person, or on the phone. So if you want to write something, do it for you, Janet, not for him and then rip it up. Let him stew for awhile- this is a phase he needs to go through. Allowing him to sit, stew, and think without your guidance, is a gift you are giving him even though I'm sure he doesn't know or appreciate it now.

  5. Jen

    Jen New Member

    First of all I like the idea your therapist had. Second , I think the idea of writing the letter for yourself is a great idea, and not nec for Corey to read. If he is anything like my difficult child (and I will post and update on that one later), he isnt ready, he just wants a fast fix.

    I understand more and more each day everyones expereinces, adn my emotions and feelings when dealing with these circumstances. We want to make it better, we want to fix it, and make it go away. We see it as a simple resolution, that for some reason they never want to take the easy approach. It kills us inside because this is our child, and no matter what we internalize and blame ourselves.

    I recently spoke with a person that deals in Adolescent psychiatric, and she said, "Jen, you have to give it up and over to the Lord, and you have to learn that you cant take it back into your own hands. You have to trust the Lord, and be patient". I am Christian, but that has always been my problem, I try that approach, and I have been 17 yrs patient with this, and nothing has changed. What made the difference this time was someone actually validating me, and objective point of view saying, " You have done all that you can possibly do, the Lord gives you permission to let go, and to trust him to find help for your son". Wow, it felt great!

    I hope and pray this helps you and others.

  6. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Hi Janet,

    I love the idea of writing him a letter. This way you will have his undivided attention. I would keep it as brief as you can. Your therapist sounds like she's awesome!-Alyssa
  7. donna723

    donna723 Well-Known Member

    It might not be a bad idea to write him a letter. Maybe if he reads it over and over again, some of what you're saying might sink in. What else does he have to do in there! And with a letter, you won't have to listen to all of the "feedback"!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    I think the letter is a good idea. At the very least it could be very theraputic for you, even if when you've finished you decide not to send it. If you do decide to send it off, will be able to tell Cory straight without interruption, emotional outburst, ect what you have to say.

    I know I've said it before, but you have an awesome therapist.

  9. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The only thing left to inform Corey of is what YOU are going to do now. You really can not tell him what he will/can do - that just does not work.
    So, explain to him exactly what role you will play in his life from now on and on what terms. That way when he is planning his life, he knows exactly what he can count on you for.
  10. SunnyFlorida

    SunnyFlorida Active Member

    I REALLY like Suz's suggestion of writing the letter(s) and not mailing them yet.

    Janet, you've got alot of emotions and "stuff" you want to get out. Write it down and get it out.

    It's ok if Cory doesn't hear or read anything from you in a while. He needs to "stew" and get a grip and think about his actions. He needs time to reflect and not get that quick fix or that mommy is coming to the rescue. He is facing the consequences of his multiple and repeated actions.

    There's plenty of time to compose an emotional support but you are in charge of your actions and reprocussions(sp) letter after sentencing.

    Just MHO, of course.

    Can we clone your therapist? :thumbsup:
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    My therapist is great! I wish we could clone She is fairly unique I think. I am so <u>not</u>the religious type but she is very much that type and at first I thought that was going to be a real problem for me. It isnt. She truly feels that it is her calling in life to be a therapist and that she was picked for Sometimes I think she is right. We are so perfectly matched. She has a difficult child son the exact same age as Cory, who had a baby girl just two months after Cory. In fact Cory and her difficult child KNOW each other!!!

    She has even had to press charges against her difficult child before. She gets it. She isnt some PP therapist who just nods their head but secretly doesnt really understand this stuff on a personal level.

    She thinks therapy can sometimes be too sterile so she has to break it up a bit. She also knows that trust is everything and that she truly likes her clients...some more than others. I have no doubt Im one of the ones that she has clicked with on a more personal level simply because we have so much in common. That makes it a great thing for both of share the grandkids together. Heck...our grandkids have had play dates
  12. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Sounds like you have found a true gem of a therapist! Good for you!
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    I love your therapist.....

    All I can say about the letter is write it from your heart. That is what I always do. Whether he reads it, or anything sinks in, you know it came from your heart.
  14. Sunlight

    Sunlight Active Member

    I wrote ant tons of letters while he was in jail. thing is he forgets it when they let him out. I like this exceprt from POTADA site:
    The following is a synopsis of a lengthy article in Al-Anon literature.

    Formerly, it was thought that it was necessary for a user to hit bottom, and become internally moved to seek help, as in the parable of the Prodigal Son. Since that person was not chemically influenced, he could come to his senses and rationally seek help.

    Typically, a user is so blind to the cause/ effect relationship between drug/alcohol use and unhappiness (and tragedy), that he blames anything but his chemical.

    Now it has been shown that a caring person can raise the bottom, or at least not allow it to be dug deeper. It is a loving thing to avoid babying the user. Sympathy is of no value; nor is a sentimental approach.

    To intervene is to confront the person with the facts of his illness, and the effects caused by drug use.
  15. standswithcourage

    standswithcourage New Member

    When I wrote my son letters while in jail I found I could write exactly what i wanted to say to him from my heart and not have to hear an argument or anything. he can always write you back with his reply. It was very theraputic for me. What have you got to lose? At least you cannot yell in a letter~ :thumbsup: