Apparently difficult child is now back on his medications

[welcometowitsend]

I spoke to difficult child and he said he is back on his medications. Not sure what to make of that. Do I believe him or not? I guess I'll find out if he calls me to replace his prescription. I don't think he'd remember to call if he wasn't legitimately taking his pills. I'm guessing he has about 3 or more weeks worth of pills on him that he hasn't taken so I'll just wait and see what happens.

I tried for several days to get hold of him to ask him if he would be willing to go to that dr.'s appointment that the paediatrician set up with the psychiatrist. When I did get him on the phone he said that he was taking his medication every day, felt great and didn't see any reason to see the psychiatrist. It's frustrating because to get an appointment that quickly for him was so generous of the doctors and he just throws it away. I can't make him go though.

Then the school called today to tell me that he "was late" for his math exam. I told them he wasn't here but they could try his cell phone and wished them luck. He won't show. Not sure if he'll pass anything this semester but that's his issue to deal with, not mine. (must keep reminding myself of that)

 

[dstc_99]

All you can do is hope for the best!

 

[buddy]

I hope he is on them and his thinking can straighten out. Too bad about the test but you sound like you are keeping the focus on who's job it is to deal with it.......can't be fun though. hugs

 

[recoveringenabler]

WTW, it's hard to know what to believe. Did he tell you that to avoid going to the Dr.? Or is he really taking them? You may never know. Sigh. You're doing a great job of recognizing that you can't do anything...........and I know it's hard too. ...........(((HUGS)))

 

[welcometowitsend]

I hope he is back on them too. I know what he was like without them and he was much worse. He isn't great now but at least he's not suicidal and irrationally angry anymore. At least he sure doesn't seem to be and he seems to still have friends so he couldn't possibly be raging on them like he was on me or they'd be out of the picture pretty quick.

He has been avoiding me this entire month. Not sure why. Usually he will at least answer me when I text him but he's not even really doing that anymore, unless it's to his benefit. I asked him if we could get together this weekend when I spoke to him on Monday and he said 'yes'. The next time we had communication was Thursday when I texted him about a 2 month past due library book that I got a call about. He responded about the library book but then when I asked him about getting together this weekend I got ignored and haven't heard from him since.

I need to call him to get his health card number for new prescription/dental coverage we are getting so I guess I'll see how he is when I call. I'm getting tired of chasing him though and I really don't think it's a good idea to chase (everyone keeps telling me to stop). I think he needs to start to realize that we have a life outside of chasing after him and that I'm valuable as a person, not just for what I can do for him. I'm seriously thinking of just sitting back and waiting for him to contact me - the thing that scares me is A) I won't know if he's alive or not and B) I'm afraid he won't call.

Sigh.

 

[recoveringenabler]

I think you hit the nail on the head with why stopping the chase is so very challenging.............you won't know if he is alive and he may not contact you. I would guess that many if not all of us feel that exact same way. However, yes, I do believe stepping out is often (not always) the best option to take. It gives them space to find their own way, make mistakes, feel as if they are not controlled and that they have choices without our input. Those tender strings that connect us are so vulnerable and we just don't want to break them.........and yet sometimes that is what is needed. I understand how hard that is. I think that your ability to see that is an excellent sigh of health on your part and whenever, if ever, you are willing to go forward with that is of course, entirely up to you.

I am always impressed at how much insight you have, along with your willingness and ability to stand strong in your convictions, yet with a very powerful sense of deep love for your son. You don't seem to get hampered in judgments of your son's behaviors or parental 'rightness,' you have a very good handle on the truth of the situation and what your control, if any, actually is. And, you take appropriate action. I always think you do an excellent job of parenting under extremely challenging circumstances.

 

[SuZir]

Even thinking of stopping the chase has to be so hard. He is so very young yet. But you are right that it does give him power that does not do anything good for him.

When mine left home, I insisted regular contact. Every Sunday he had to speak with me half n hour in certain time. If the time was inconvenient for him some Sunday, he could contact me and ask for more convenient time. But no skipping. And if I called him, he had to answer or call back during the same day. Other than Sundays I usually only called if I had a reason. But we could enforce those rules because we had some leverage. And in fact in this case the leverage was as simple as embarrassing him. If he wasn't answering the phone, I would send a text to his coach and ask if he was still alive. And coach would tell him, in front of his peers, to call mommy. Once he tried to ignore that and had to call while the coach was watching and listening. difficult child got a drift quite quickly. Early on many of those calls weren't too pleasant to either of us, but it was a contact.

But if you don't have a leverage to force him to follow the rules regarding this, it is difficult. Of course you can draw boundaries from your side, but without leverage that isn't that efficient.

If you decide to stop the chase and let him contact you, you may still want to consider some method of keeping a connection to him without chasing him. Maybe sending him a text every Monday morning a text with: "Have a nice week, love you."

He is still so darn young, so giving him too tough love just seems too, well, tough.

 

[in a daze]

I think you hit the nail on the head with why stopping the chase is so very challenging.............you won't know if he is alive and he may not contact you. I would guess that many if not all of us feel that exact same way. However, yes, I do believe stepping out is often (not always) the best option to take. It gives them space to find their own way, make mistakes, feel as if they are not controlled and that they have choices without our input. Those tender strings that connect us are so vulnerable and we just don't want to break them.........and yet sometimes that is what is needed. I understand how hard that is. I think that your ability to see that is an excellent sigh of health on your part and whenever, if ever, you are willing to go forward with that is of course, entirely up to you.

I am always impressed at how much insight you have, along with your willingness and ability to stand strong in your convictions, yet with a very powerful sense of deep love for your son. You don't seem to get hampered in judgments of your son's behaviors or parental 'rightness,' you have a very good handle on the truth of the situation and what your control, if any, actually is. And, you take appropriate action. I always think you do an excellent job of parenting under extremely challenging circumstances.

Excellent advice!

 

[welcometowitsend]

RE - Thank you so much for your kind words. They made me smile and tear up a little bit too.

In a daze - I agree. RE always has excellent advice to give.

Suzir - I could probably try and force some sort of phone contact between me and difficult child but I really do want him to feel like he has control over his life and want him to realize that whatever consequences he has are because of his choices, not my influence. He so desperately seems to want to be a grown up and seems to think he can handle everything that means.

I am still considering requesting a visit/call once a week but if he is noncompliant then I think I may have to just go the route of letting him contact me. I am sure everyone here understands how hard of a decision that is.

I was talking to husband and I think I won't tell difficult child if I am going to go that route. That way if I cave in he won't know I caved.

On a positive note - I did see him today. easy child and I stopped at McD's for lunch after church and he happened to be working. I'm happy he still has his job although he didn't look like he was putting in much effort and his boss was giving him dirty looks so I didn't talk to him too long. He was working in the restaurant lobby cleaning tables and such. He asked me for a new pair of glasses and I told him I'd think about it. I got his health card # off of him for the new benefits plan we are getting started. Then I told him that if we did get new glasses they had to be under $200 because the health plan only covers $200 every 2 years per person. His last pair cost me about $350 and he lost them after 2 months. His prescription is very low and most people would say he doesn't need glasses so I didn't get him another pair.

I talked to him about some stuff that we've been up to but he wasn't the least bit interested. He never even really responded to me but instead just started talking about himself. He said he had an appointment. today to look at a roommate situation with a bunch of guys. Kind of scary because these are people he doesn't know. $500 a month for a room. ugh. And I know he's blown over $600 of the money we gave him for rent in November. He might barely have enough to pay first and last. Still hasn't bothered to apply for social services. My initial thought was "How is he going to pay his rent?" Then when he showed me his new phone case and told me he'd been to the movies again (at least the 2nd time this month) so I decided I'd stop worrying because he isn't worried. He's having more fun than me.

Think I'll call him tonight and ask how the apartment appointment went and then tell him I'm disappointed he didn't contact me to get together this weekend. I'll tell him I'd like more contact and then leave the ball in his court and see what he does.