Apparently, easy child 2 isn't going to summer school. (another vent)

[Shari]

OMG, gotta vent so I don't blow...
***
I called my mom on the way back from difficult child's parent/teacher conference - she wanted to know how it went. In the conversation, she made a comment about easy child 2 not going to summer school. I said yes, she was, and she explained what easy child 2 had told her...
***
Background - 2 months ago, when easy child 2 was flunking social studies again, I talked to her mom. Her mom agreed that easy child 2 is behind in school. Even said she thinks the teachers have passed things, especially in reading, they shouldn't have - her book reports are hideous - you get NO info about the book from them because she can't pull out main ideas, main characters, etc. At the time, we knew she was reading a full grade level below where she should be. I asked her mom about summer school, and her mom wasn't going to send her to summer school cause "she didn't want to go". I told her easy child 2 didn't want to go to school ever, is that really an excuse? Her mom readily agreed and told me to sign her up.
***
Well, now easy child 2's mom has told her if she got good grades the last 4 weeks of school, she doesn't have to go to summer school. And we hear this from MY MOM!!!!?!?!?!
***
I am beyond TICKED.
***
April 14th, husband and I requested another evaulation from school to get easy child help. Help that her mother has refused to let her have. We talked to easy child and told her this was gonna tick mom off, and things might get ugly, was she willing to stick up for herself, is this what she wanted? Yes, yes, she was. So we started the process. And now she's bargaining with mom to get out of summer school?
***
I am so mad at easy child's mom. Her mother (easy child'c grandma) lives in her backyard and its no big deal if easy child goes to summer school or not to her, grandma takes care of easy child all the time, anyway, but my mommy doesn't take care of my whole life, if easy child 2 doesn't go to summer school, we gotta find a sitter for that HALF TIME SHE'S HERE, WHICH STARTS NEXT WEEK! And I am pretty darn angry with easy child 2. She wanted all this help, we stuck our necks out risking ticking off mom (which is a VERY big deal) and she's bargaining her way out of school. If she doesn't help herself, I don't think I'm willing to help her. I can barely help her, anyway. She's got Learning Disability (LD)'s that her mother won't address or let the school tutor her for. And I'm not a teacher, I don't really know HOW to help her.
***
It makes me so angry cause here's a kid who is overweight and can't read because her mom doesn't see fit to do any different. DOING something would require someone get off their arse or spending extra time with dad (mom pulled her out of soccer cause dad went the games....). I am busting my trying to keep difficult child 2 from being like his non-functioning father, doing everything under the sun I can think of and then some, we just don't KNOW what to do for him. easy child has some minor learning disabilities - she can learn, she's willing, she just needs some different instruction, and they won't give it to her. OMG it makes me irate.
***
PS - I called school and talked to her reading teacher. She tested at a 3.7 grade level on her last test, which was 2 months ago. She's going into the 6th grade!

 

[flutterbee]

I think you've mentioned possibly going for custody of easy child 2 at some point and have been working on getting your ducks in a row. (Sorry, I can't remember the particulars.) I think you would have a very good case based on educational neglect alone.

As far as her reading, why isn't the school doing anything? They don't have to wait for parent referral to start the IEP evaluation; they can teacher refer. I would be demanding to know what the sd is doing for easy child 2. There is no reason for a child going into the 6th grade who is reading at a 3rd grade level to not be receiving any services.

I also don't know that I would believe much that comes out of easy child's mom's mouth. She would have to pay for summer school. Maybe she doesn't want to do that when she has free babysitting in her backyard.

I know how frustrating it is when a child doesn't want to help themselves - I deal with that with my daughter. But, I also think you have to consider what she's living with and what kind of values she's learning from mom.

Sorry you have to deal with this. easy child's mom seems like a joke.

 

[4sumrzn]

Oh, wow. I really am not sure I can offer any advice. I know I can say I am very sorry you are dealing with all of this, it must be extremely hard. Many, many cyber {{{hugs}}} being sent to you.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Shari,

I can't even keep up with all that you are going through! I really wish I had answers for you. Just know that I hear you, and I am sorry for what you are going through. Big hugs, prayers, and lots of strength being sent your way.

 

[DammitJanet]

Im also very sorry for all that you are going through. It has to be so frustrating.

I am no where near in your shoes but I have a god daughter who I just know in my bones is on the autistic spectrum. We have felt this since she was an infant. Something just wasnt right with her and it really hasnt gotten any better with time. She has become a bit more verbal but her eye contact, rages, and appropriateness havent. She is now 4 and I have been begging the parents to get her tested for early intervention since she was 2. Nope...not happening. They just complain about what a handful she is, how they cant get her to listen...blah blah blah.

She also has an older brother who doesnt live with them who was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD and the dad refuses to believe in medications even though the mom has had him diagnosed and put on medications. Dad thinks all he needs is a firm hand and an whooping. Yeah...we have all heard that. What really makes me mad is the fact that he uses my son Jamie as his example saying that Jamie doesnt take medications and he turned out just fine. Ummmmm....he didnt know Jamie when Jamie was on medications, and yes Jamie did take medications which is why he did turn out just fine...thank you very much! Even Jamie has told him this!!!

You just cant tell some people anything.

 

[Shari]

Wynter, you're exactly right...she's the one. We've got plenty of "ammo" so to speak, we're just waiting on easy child to get close enough to the magical age in this state to have a voice. Money's an issue for us; her mom's parents will fund her legal battles, and there's no way we can compete, so we have to have a strong case. Part of which is that easy child has to be willing to stand up and say it...
Thanks for the hugs, all. I needed them. I think I need a life coach. Or someone to teach me how to handle all this garbage.
easy child's here now for the week. We'll be discussing this with her shortly.

 

[Christy]

Who is the legal guardian of easy child 2? if you are then can you petition the court for the power to make educational decsions? If you refuse to arrange childcare because you were planning to go the summer school route, what will happen? Is the mom's mom willing to keep her all day long?

Hope the mom gets some sense and realizes that academics are important, but it's doubtful.

Good lUck,
Christy

 

[Shari]

husband and her mom are supposed to have joint custody, with mom having primary physical. In this state, as a step-parent, I have equal standing as the parent to act on her behalf.

But her mom has done nothing to attempt to include husband in anything...goes to great lengths to exclude him, actually. We started asking easy child to bring her school bag on weekends, and mom will go so far as to clean out the bag before she comes...

We've requested the evaluation at the school. We'll see what recommendations they have going forward. She qualifies for an IEP but her mom won't give them the info...I have copies of the evaluations now and we are prepared to do that now, so long as easy child will stick to wanting the help. Right now, that's the problem...she wants help, so long as it doesn't mean going to extra school.

We had the talk with her last night, and I don't know if it sunk in or not...her mom is gonna be IRATE with us when she finds out we've already set the ball in motion. easy child has GOT to stand up for herself on this, and I'm not sure she will. We will see come time to get on the bus from mom's house next week.

We told her we were only willing to help her as much as she's willing to help herself - part of helping herself is getting help when and where she can - ie summer school. She claimed to not understand, so husband related it to us making her paint a wall while we sat in a chair and did nothing. She thought that might make her mad. He explained that we've been talking to school trying to get her help only to find out she's sitting on her butt not willing to go to summer school. It might have gotten thru to her, but I don't know.

She's incredibally sheltered and not real in touch with the real world. I realize she's 11, but she has no concept or grasp of any sort of future, or self maintenance. Ask her what she wants to be when she grows up and she answers with whatever job her half-sister, that she rarely sees, has at the time...right now, its walmart cashier (half sister is going to a private college on a full ride scholarship for academics...something easy child will probably never acheive, but has NO concept of...NONE). The thought that at some point she will need a job to suport herself has never entered her head, let alone the idea that not all jobs pay enough to support particular lifestyles. Her mom is silver-spooned, works factory jobs and this or that, but her parents are wealthy and hand her everything...so she makes $24 grand a year with easy child and his three kids under 10, and she has a new truck, new van, 10 year old brick ranch home on an acreage, jet skis, camper, new laptop every year or two, takes a full 2 week vacation in a resort without kids each year, and this year bought a 60 foot greenhouse. easy child's not exactly experiencing the real world down there. Ask what kind of car is her dream car and its her mom's new mini-van. Suggest that at some point it will be old and she'll have to get one of her own and its a blank stare. There's just not a lot to work with there.

 

[flutterbee]

The lack of insight, inability to plan, etc sounds like executive functioning issues which does go along with ADD. There is a thread in the General Archives on it.

I might be a bit skewed on that because it's one of my difficult child's diagnosis's, but it sounds so familiar.

 

[Shari]

There's no doubt she has issues, and ADD fits her. You're right about the exec functioning problems, however, I am not sure they are all a dysfunction or if part are from lack of ever having to do any of that sort of thing on her own.
Her grandma, who takes care of her when she's at her mom's, for the most part, fixes her breakfast plate and puts it on the table in front of her. I do not do that. Therefore, according to easy child, I "don't feed her breakfast". We have poptarts, granola bars, cereal, frozen home-made pancakes and waffles, etc, and even difficult child will blurt what he wants for breakfast, but if I don't instigate it with easy child, she won't eat, and then blames me.
A year ago she was unable to pour her own glass of milk from a gallon jug and has finally learned that simply because I stopped doing it for her...so I dunno.

 

[flutterbee]

Does grandma do this because it's how she is or does she do it because it's easier than teaching easy child how to do it for herself?

I know my difficult child will look at me like I've grown another head when I ask her to do something that to me seems very elementary, but she just has no idea where to begin.

I posted a long time ago about difficult child making cookies. She needed shortening and I had sticks of shortening rather than a tub. Well, each stick is individually wrapped and sealed inside a little plastic tub (looks similar to a butter dish). She could not figure out how to get into it. So, I pealed the foil seal off. Then she stood there exasperated and couldn't figure out how to get the stick out of the plastic tub. I walked over, picked it up, turned it over and the stick fell right out. Imagine that. She was so surprised. Now, how she can make cookies by herself but can't get the stick of shortening out it's container is beyond me....except that she had step by step instructions on making the cookies and no instructions for opening the shortening.

 

[Shari]

That I can't answer. But she did it the same way with easy child's mom, and easy child's half sister, and I know the sister does not have any difficulties. Mom doesn't even feed her own pets or change her own oil (or keep track that its even needed). She gripes about easy child's spoiled attitude, yet easy child has absolutely no chores she does at mom or grandma's, and she has pets there, so...Given that's how grandma does her daughter, and did easy child's sister, and then complains about how her daughter behaves, (and used to complain about sister being spoiled) my guess is she's griping about the end result of her own actions with them. My assumption is that grandma's just catering...husband lived there for 10 years, he agrees.