Are Christmas gifts enabling?

[Lil]

Lil, I hope you are still on track for Christmas in Vegas.

Heck yeah!

We'll be leaving on Christmas Eve, spending the night at a hotel near the airport - flight leaves 9 a.m. on Christmas Day! We've got the dogs lined up to be kenneled and the cat will survive. lol I just need to put in some serious hours getting ahead at work!

Vegas awaits! (Look! Showgirls!)

 

[pasajes4]

We'll be leaving on Christmas Eve, spending the night at a hotel near the airport - flight leaves 9 a.m. on Christmas Day!

Good for you! I am thinking of going to Big Bend and spending a few days camping in the Chisos. My idea of camping is staying at the lodge. I can join the other tired of the city people at the Starlight for Christmas dinner.

 

[AppleCori]

I may 'see' you there, Pasa!

We are planning at least one day at Big Bend while in South Texas during the Christmas holidays.

Wear a big, floppy hat or something.

 

[Copabanana]

He only calls or texts if he wants me to do something for him.

Mine too.

Someone said here once that gifts are just that, gifts. There is nothing the person has to do to get them, they are given freely and without strings or reservations.

I agree.

I consider gift-giving to be more about the giver than the receiver - it makes me feel good to give gifts.

Me too.

I learned once something that always stuck with me. In many traditional societies rich and influential members gift to others to establish their own superiority and power over.

The absolute opposite of how we like to see of charity in our society. That the gifting comes from a big heart (and desire for big tax deductions.)

When I look at it that way it really brings home to me the hypocrisy of gifts. If you look at it gifts assuage guilt, they come from a sense of obligation. They are little motivated by our goodness or generosity.

They are for us, whatever the motivation.

So it makes sense to give what makes us feel better. And own it. Not to overcome a negative emotion, but so that we worry less, sleep better. We love our children and want them to be warm, fed, and safe. To try to support them to be such. To me it feels honest and correct to try to help them meet these needs. Not habitually, not continuously, not thoughtlessly but on special and meaningful days. We love them.

And as COM and others say, let go of the result. Knowing that we did what we wanted and we could.

I hope everybody has some peace tomorrow.

COPA

 

[wakeupcall]

Well, here we are the evening before Thanksgiving and I've not heard a word from Difficult Child. Maybe I won't even worry about a Christmas gift for him at all. Grrrrrr. It would be cheaper, less stress, but more of my tears. How does one stop the tears............? 'Still suffer from "what did I do wrong" syndrome..

 

[Nancy]

Wakeup, the tears will stop. I can't tell you when but one day you will get through the day without tears, you will be able to walk in his room, listen to his favorite song, fold his clothes, or think about him without tears. I thought they would never end but somehow they do and you will have passed into another phase.

You did nothing wrong. I have a very good friend who adopted her daughter at the same time we did. Just two weeks ago she moved out and moved in with her birth father. Turns out she found him three years ago and has been having a relationship with him since, unknown to her parents. My friend feels like she has been a babysitter for the past 22 years. She can't understand how her daughter could just walk out the door after everything they have been through with her. She doesn't know what to do about Christmas, whether to buy her gifts or invite her over or what. She is 7 months pregnant, unknown father, has only part time job and appears she has just repeated the cycle of her birth mother. Sad isn't it?

We all did what we thought was the best for our children. We adopted them and loved them and gave them every opportunity and sometimes they turn their backs on us so easily as if we were just babysitters.

I think he will be back, just as I told my friend I think her daughter will also. It may not be until he discovers his life is not greener on the other side or until he understands what it means to be a parent himself, but have hope. In the meantime do something nice for yourself and enjoy your grandchildren.

 

[pasajes4]

Apple, One day does not do it justice. You must stop in Terlingua to partake of the goodness that is the Starlight and up into the Chisos. I will be driving the decrepit VW bus. Perhaps our paths will cross and we will give each other an all knowing wink.